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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26484961">regarding non-sequiturs</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human'>i_was_human</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lost in Translation (Webcomic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Death, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Memory Loss, Mild Blood, Murder, Mutual Pining, No beta we die like mne, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reunions, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, dongho: theatre major in the making, endgame dongdae, inspired by Erased, minwon snuck up on me, my plot is once again getting derailed because dongdae are just too gay, soft</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:53:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>32,489</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26484961</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In 2020, Sohee kidnaps Jaewon instead of staying in his apartment.</p><p>He steers the car off the road, running them into a tree and killing both on impact.</p><p>Three years later, Sohee's older sister returns for vengeance, and succeeds in killing all three members of MAYHEM.</p><p>To prevent this, Dongho and Daehyun are sent to one month before the day with Sohee so they can stop it - which would be great, if not for the fact that neither of them have any idea what they're doing.</p><p>Oh, and Minsoo really isn't helping at all.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/Lee Minsoo, Kang Dongho | D.Min/Kim Daehyun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>53</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. regarding stories cut short</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamlessGenius/gifts">JamlessGenius</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>for jamless: thank you for throwing me into this dongdae hole</p><p>i can't climb out what have you done-</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Daehyun remembers it like it was yesterday.</p><p>He remembers Dongho pacing the floor, remembers Minsoo calling everyone and anyone who might know where their missing bandmate is. </p><p>Remembers the news footage.</p><p>Remembers the bodies pulled out of the wreckage.</p><p><em>An attempted kidnapping</em>, they said, phony smiles plastered on their faces. <em>He was going to be taken away, so he stopped it.</em></p><p>Three years, and nothing goes away.</p><p>Jaewon's smile is nothing more than a wisp - the details lost to time - but he knows it was something blinding, something bright, something too brilliant to be cut this short.</p><p>(he remembers Jaewon's mom screaming at Minsoo at the funeral, demanding to know <em>why why why</em>-)</p><p>The reason Daehyun says this is because that day is feeling a lot more recent than <em>yesterday</em>.</p><p>He's holed up in a closet, hand pressed to his mouth and shoulders shaking with unshed tears. Dongho's lying across the room, one arm pinned under him and his free arm stretched across the carpet, trying in vain to reach for his phone.</p><p>Daehyun pulls his knees to his chest and <em>thinks</em>.</p><p>The woman - Soyeon - is still out there.</p><p>Minsoo's still out there.</p><p>Minsoo's still out there, and Dongho isn't moving <strike>because she stabbed him four times in the chest</strike> because he passed out and is perfectly fine, but Minsoo is still out there and Daehyun isn't calling the police.</p><p>Daehyun has to call the police.</p><p>He pushes open the closet door as slowly as he can and rises to his feet, trying not to gag as the acrid stench of blood fills his nose.</p><p>Dongho's still lying there.</p><p>Daehyun tip-toes across the floor to grab the phone (it's Dongho's phone, the password is <em>2027</em>) and pulls up the phone app with shaking hands, trying not to look at the background for too long.</p><p>It rings once, twice, and then finally connects.</p><p>
  <em>"Hello?"</em>
</p><p>"Help," he gasps, and oh, he can hear footsteps coming up the stairs, knows she's coming back. "There's a woman in our apartment, and she stabbed my hyungs-"</p><p>The door slams open.</p><p>"You!" the woman howls, primal and betrayed and <em>broken</em>, and Daehyun screams, scrambling back as the phone slips from his hand.</p><p>No, no, no-no-no-</p><p>She tackles him to the ground, knife hovering over his chest, and she's about to bring it down when someone grabs her wrist.</p><p>"Don't..."</p><p>Dongho raises his head, dark eyes dazed and blood trickling from his lips. "Don't you... don't you <em>dare</em>..."</p><p>"Why won't you <em>die</em>?"</p><p>She shakes his grip off, and Daehyun gags as the knife comes down, embedding itself in his chest.</p><p>He can feel the knife, and he can feel the pain, and <em>oh</em>, it burns and aches and hurts, and Dongho's trying to do something over there, though with how covered in blood he is, it won't do much, and Daehyun's sobbing and begging as warmth spills over the carpet, because he <em>just wanted to leave-</em></p><p>"It's his fault she's dead!" Soyeon shrieks, bringing the knife down once more. "And if I can't kill him, I'll just kill you!"</p><p>Again.</p><p>Again, again, again, again-</p><p>Soyeon finally crawls off him, arms coated in blood to the elbow, and she wipes her palms on her jeans, stumbling to her feet. "See, Sohee-yah...? I avenged you."</p><p>She stumbles out of the room, and Daehyun stares at the ceiling, in too much pain to move.</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh, it hurts.</p><p>It's such an underwhelming word for it, but Daehyun can <em>feel himself dying</em>, and with this much blood loss, <em>hurt </em>is all he can think.</p><p>"Dae..."</p><p>The carpet rustles, and Daehyun cries out as he's enfolded in a pair of arms, someone's chin coming to rest on his head. </p><p>"You're not... not gonna die... alone, 'kay?"</p><p>A shaking hand comes up to brush his cheek, and Daehyun blinks, trying to focus on the figure in front of him.</p><p>"Dong... ho..."</p><p>"I'll be here," Dongho promises, and Daehyun can only attempt a nod as hot liquid drips onto his cheek. "Until... until you go to sleep, Dae."</p><p>"...pr'mise?"</p><p>"I promise."</p><p>Daehyun exhales, gaze landing on the ceiling.</p><p>
  <em>I wish... I wish I could change it. Change everything. I wish we could change it.</em>
</p><p>He stares at the ceiling for a moment longer, vision going spotty, and his eyelids drift shut against his will.</p><p>
  <em>I wish...</em>
</p><p>Daehyun dies on that floor, the sound of distant sirens in his ears and Dongho lying next to him. Daehyun dies there, his hand clasped in Dongho's and tears drying on his cheek, but something somewhere hears his wish nonetheless.</p><p>
  <em>I wish I could change it.</em>
</p><hr/><p>Daehyun opens his eyes in his parent's house in 2020, the ghost of Dongho's touch still present and a series of scars on his chest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>stay tuned 0-0</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. regarding time travel and opera singers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Dongho opens his eyes, he immediately knows something's off.</p><p>For starters, he isn't sore at <em>all</em>. </p><p>The new dance they're learning leaves all of them aching and bruised - especially Daehyun - but Dongho's no stranger to bruises painting his arms and knees from whenever the more difficult moves trip him up.</p><p>The second thing he notices is that he isn't in the dorm.</p><p>He's not in his room, his room with the photos on the walls and the stuffed cats on his bed. </p><p>No.</p><p>Instead, he's in a room that's oddly clean and sterile,</p><p>The third thing he notices is that he is very much not dead.</p><p>That's odd, actually, because Dongho's almost certain he's supposed to be dead.</p><p>His phone buzzes on the table, and a song by some girl group that disbanded years ago blasts through the air. Dongho sighs, reaching over to unplug it and press it to his ear, and as soon as he hits accept, he immediately regrets it.</p><p><em>"Kang Dongho!" </em>Minsoo shrieks, and Dongho holds his phone at arm's length so as to spare his eardrums. <em>"Where the fuck are you? Dance practice started two hours ago, and you're not picking up, and Daehyun-ah isn't picking up, and where the hell are you?"</em></p><p>"What?" Dongho replies, slowly pulling his phone back to his chest. "Where are you?"</p><p>
  <em>"At dance practice! Like you should be!"</em>
</p><p>"...I'll call you back."</p><p>
  <em>"Dongho-"</em>
</p><p>He hangs up.</p><p>His phone screen blinks back at him - a photo of Boba instead of the photo the three of them took in Paris - and he stares at it for a moment until his eyes land on the date.</p><p>
  <em>7 October 2020.</em>
</p><p>Oh, fuck.</p>
<hr/><p>Daehyun may or may not be freaking out.</p><p>Although, honestly, considering his last memory is of <em>brutally being murdered</em>, he thinks he can get away with it.</p><p>His hand presses at his stomach, feeling the raised lines over it, and he sucks in a breath, trying to stop the impending panic attack before it starts.</p><p>He's unsuccessful.</p><p>
  <em>Dongho. Where's Dongho?<br/>
</em>
</p><p>As if on cue, his phone buzzes.</p><p>It's a default ringtone - the kind Daehyun assigned to Dongho in the days before he discovered the eldest's love for musicals - and he nearly slaps his phone off the dresser in his hurry to grab it.</p><p>He hits accept, and <em>oh</em>-</p><p>
  <em>"Dae?"</em>
</p><p>"Hyung," Daehyun gasps, harsh and broken and razor-edged. "Hyung, hyung, oh my god, is it-"</p><p>
  <em>"Where are you?"</em>
</p><p>"At my old house," Daehyun breathes, and Dongho pauses for a moment.</p><p>
  <em>"Where is that?"</em>
</p><p>"You have my location."</p><p>
  <em>"No, I don't."</em>
</p><p>"Oh. Let me- let me send it to you."</p><p>
  <em>"Dae. Daehyun. Breathe."</em>
</p><p>Daehyun puts his head between his knees and sucks in a bit of air, nearly choking on it. "Hyung-"</p><p>
  <em>"One more time, Dae."</em>
</p><p>He sucks in air as he screws his eyes shut, and Dongho hums.</p><p>
  <em>"You're doing great, Daehyun-ah."</em>
</p><p>"I thought we were past 'Daehyun-ah'," Daehyun jokes - or tries to, at least.</p><p>
  <em>"...Dae, then."</em>
</p><p>"Y'know," Daehyun starts, still trying to regulate his breathing, "for the longest time, I thought you liked opera."</p><p>
  <em>"Really?"</em>
</p><p>He can actually <em>hear</em> Dongho's disgust.</p><p>"You were a rich kid!" Daehyun protests, lips pursing into a pout. "How was I supposed to know you treat opera like the plague?"</p><p>
  <em>"It's not even singing. It's just... tuned warbling."</em>
</p><p>"Wow, hyung. You're really burning all those opera singers."</p><p>
  <em>"If they chose to waste their life on sounding like a dying bird, then it's my moral responsibility to point it out."</em>
</p><p>"I don't... think that's how it works, hyung."</p><p>
  <em>"That's exactly how it works."</em>
</p><p>"What if I was an opera singer? Would you still say that?"</p><p>
  <em>"You're too good to be an opera singer."</em>
</p><p>"Pfft-"</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, by the way, I'm here."</em>
</p><p>Daehyun swears, racing out of bed and nearly tripping on his laptop. "Fuck-"</p><p>
  <em>"So coarse, Daehyun-ah."</em>
</p><p>"Oh, like you didn't curse out the karaoke machine attendant for not having our music."</p><p>
  <em>"We won album of the year in three different award shows. That was a genuine complaint."</em>
</p><p>"And not because you got a twelve on 'Cutie Cutie'?"</p><p>There's a very guilty silence on the other end of the line.</p><p>
  <em>"...just come open the door, Dae."</em>
</p><p>Daehyun stuffs his phone into his pocket and yanks open the door, nearly whacking himself in the nose with it.</p><p>And oh-</p><p>Dongho looks just like he did back in 2020, hair slicked back and outfit tailored to perfection. Daehyun still remembers the time he caught the eldest in a ratty t-shirt and sweatpants - a one-time thing, but Dongho does have a pair of suspiciously well-worn sweatpants and a hoodie - and his heart twinges in his chest.</p><p>"Wow," Dongho states, leaning against the door. "You look twelve."</p><p>"I am <em>not twelve</em>!"</p><p>"You <em>look </em>twelve."</p><p>Daehyun scowls, reaching up to poke his cheeks. "I finally managed to get rid of my chubby cheeks, and now they're <em>back</em>. How is this fair?"</p><p>Dongho gives him a crooked sort of grin, and <em>god</em>, Daehyun thinks, <em>they're standing here in 2020 after literally dying, and yet he still feels completely at ease.</em></p><p>"You know you have to be a dick," he blurts instead, and Dongho stares at him, unimpressed.</p><p>"I was not a <em>dick </em>in 2020."</p><p>"You were," Daehyun simply replies, grabbing Dongho's wrist and pulling him inside the apartment. "You totally were."</p><p>"No."</p><p>"You were! Minsoo-hyung agrees with me, right-"</p><p>Daehyun cuts himself off, a fresh wave of <em>grief </em>washing over him. "God, Minsoo-hyung- I didn't even think- is he-?"</p><p>"No," Dongho replies, and Daehyun's no fool.</p><p>He can <em>see </em>the pain flickering in his hyung's eyes, can see the ill-contained grief, and he <em>knows </em>that no matter what, this Minsoo isn't the Minsoo they know.</p><p>This Minsoo didn't go to Paris, didn't take shots on the roof of their dorm, didn't hug them for dear life when they got their first win, didn't scream one of Dongho's favorite songs off-key at a hole in the wall karaoke bar while the eldest was passed out on a chair, didn't spend all of the hundreds of thousands of hours with them that made them <em>family</em>.</p><p>And Daehyun <em>grieves</em>.</p><p>He pitches forwards, burying himself in Dongho's chest, and the eldest's arms come up on autopilot, wrapping around his back and pulling him closer.</p><p>His clothes smell like sterile laundry detergent and not the strawberry kind they all like, Daehyun realizes, and for some reason, that's what makes him start crying in full.</p><p>Minsoo is dead.</p><p>His Minsoo-hyung, his hyung who taught him how to do a flip and held back his hair while he puked in the toilet, his hyung who cheered with him as they sped along the highway, his hyung who punched Minseok in the nose and started their dorm tradition of game night - he's dead.</p><p>Daehyun can't breathe.</p><p>"It's okay," Dongho whispers, hand rubbing slow circles into Daehyun's back, and <em>oh</em>, he's not alone.</p><p>Dongho's here.</p><p>His hyung who sat by his bed when he was sick, his hyung who took him to a puppy cafe for his birthday, his hyung who got so confused in Europe that he eventually just resorted to Google Translate, his hyung who hates opera more than anything else in the world, his hyung who held Daehyun as he bled out on the floor and promised he'd stay until Daehyun fell asleep.</p><p>Somehow, Daehyun doesn't think he's asleep yet.</p><p>"Stay," Daehyun all but begs, and Dongho's hand stills for only a second.</p><p>"Always."</p>
<hr/><p>Minsoo is going to murder a man.</p><p>"Where <em>are they</em>?" he snaps, throwing his hands in the air. "Oh, it would be <em>one thing </em>if they just slept in and were coming, but Dongho-hyung <em>hung up on me</em>, and now he's declining my calls! If I knew where he lived, I'd drag him here, no matter what he's doing or who he's with-"</p><p>He throws a glance over his shoulder, lips pursing into a thin line. "Oh. No offense."</p><p>"None taken?" Jaewon helplessly replies, and Minsoo dips his head in agreement.</p><p>"Hmm... what if I hid a cat in the ceiling?"</p><p>Jaewon slowly takes another sip from his water bottle, hoping and praying to whatever's out there that Minsoo never finds a cat he can actually put in the ceiling.</p><p>...mostly for Minsoo's own safety.</p>
<hr/><p>They're lying on Daehyun's bed, faces inches apart and legs tangled together, and a phone lies between them, two earbuds snaking out of it.</p><p>"You don't have AirPods?" Daehyun murmurs, and Dongho shakes his head.</p><p>"I like the cords."</p><p>"...weird."</p><p>The tinny soundtrack of Dongho's favorite musical blasts into Daehyun's ears, and if he closes his eyes, he can pretend he's at home - can pretend he's sitting on the couch, one earbud in and dozing while Minsoo screams at the television screen and Dongho reads some old book in English.</p><p>He's not home, though.</p><p>He's not home, and he's never going to be home again.</p><p>"You're thinking."</p><p>Dongho reaches up to poke the space between his eyes, and Daehyun <em>knows </em>that's something he got from Minsoo - knows it's from all those days just after Jaewon's death where Minsoo would sit on Dongho's lap and poke the space between his brows until he stopped frowning.</p><p>God, Minsoo-</p><p>"Stop thinking," Dongho advises, and Daehyun rolls his eyes.</p><p>"Incredible advice, hyung. Thank you so much. My entire worldview has shifted now that I'm just <em>not thinking</em>."</p><p>The soundtrack blares on - something about British history, Dongho told him, though they were five beers into a six-pack, so Daehyun's giving himself a pass on remembering - and Daehyun almost wants to rip out the earbuds, wants to stop this pretending, wants to <em>stop this</em>, but Dongho's looking at him with desperate eyes, and <em>oh</em>, Daehyun thinks, <em>Dongho lost his best friend</em>.</p><p>"I have to make friends with Minyoung again," Daehyun lamely mutters, and Dongho makes a small commiserating sound. "I don't <em>wanna </em>do that, hyung."</p><p>"Mm."</p><p>Dongho's phone rings once more, and he fishes it out of his pocket, pressing accept before chucking it to the other end of the room.</p><p>"Wha-"</p><p>
  <em>"Kang fucking Dongho!"</em>
</p><p>Ah.</p><p>Daehyun understands now.</p><p>
  <em>"Where the hell are you guys? Jaewon-ah had to go to a meeting, and I know you're together, so you'd better tell me where you are before I hunt you down myself!"</em>
</p><p>Jesus Christ, this Minsoo needs to relax.</p><p>Daehyun still remembers last week (three years from now) when Dongho and Daehyun got caught up in a jamming session in the studio and Minsoo just winked at them and asked if they showered first.</p><p>God, Daehyun misses Minsoo.</p><p>"Calm down," Dongho sighs, and Daehyun can hear Minsoo's brow twitch from here.</p><p>
  <em>"Calm down? Calm down! You want me to calm down? You missed practice! Comeback is in two weeks! You cannot miss practice!"</em>
</p><p>"Do you remember the moves?" Daehyun hisses, and Dongho shakes his head.</p><p>
  <em>"Jaewon-ah was here! He worked a lot harder than you guys, too!"</em>
</p><p>Minsoo says something else, but Daehyun can't hear it over the growing roar in his ears.</p><p>He pulls his phone out of his phone, and he stares at the date once more, taking it in with fresh eyes.</p><p>
  <em>7 October 2020.</em>
</p><p>The accident was November 7th, 2020.</p><p>They have one month to save Jaewon's life.</p><p>One month to get close enough to him to stop him from getting kidnapped by Sohee.</p><p>And the worst part?</p><p>Daehyun has absolutely no idea how to do that.</p><p>"Do not come here," Dongho sighs, and Daehyun blinks, shaking his head. "Minsoo-"</p><p>
  <em>"I'll come over if I want to!"</em>
</p><p>"Minsoo."</p><p>
  <em>"Where are you?"</em>
</p><p>"No."</p><p>
  <em>"Where are you, Dongho-hyung?"</em>
</p><p>"...I'll call you back in an hour."</p><p>
  <em>"What? Dongho-hyung, wait-"</em>
</p><p>Dongho presses the hang up button with an utterly deadpan expression, and Daehyun stares at him, bewildered.</p><p>Silence hangs in the air between them for a moment, during which time Dongho stares around the room, eyes slowly narrowing as he takes in the mess.</p><p>"...so, do you want to move in with me until we get a dorm?"</p><p>"Please."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>dongho hates opera i don't make the rules</p><p>also the musical is six in case you were wondering</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. regarding aliases and dates</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Come to think of it, Daehyun's never actually been inside Dongho's house.</p><p>He knows it's nice - though that's mostly second-hand - and he knows it's <em>fancy</em>, but he's completely unprepared to step into a <em>mansion</em>.</p><p>Or, well. A mansion apartment.</p><p>Dongho's brow ticks upwards as Daehyun's mouth drops open, lips curling into a tiny grin. "You like it?"</p><p>"It's so <em>clean</em>," Daehyun breathes, and Dongho snorts.</p><p>"Nobody's home right now, if you wanna bring your stuff to my room."</p><p>"How do you keep it this clean?"</p><p>"Jeongmin-hyung cleans," Dongho simply replies, picking up Daehyun's suitcase and heading down the hall. "C'mon."</p><p>Daehyun follows at a more sedate pace, gaze flitting over the images on the walls.</p><p>Family, huh?</p><p>"Here we are," Dongho states, and Daehyun blinks as they enter the room.</p><p>It's incredibly different from Dongho's room back home - clean and almost oppressively sterile as opposed to the clean but lived-in feel of the eldest's room in the dorms - and Daehyun's chest aches at the realization that <em>all of that is gone</em>.</p><p>Dongho's signed poster, his collection of photos they all took, the albums sitting on the table - it's all gone.</p><p>"It's not that bad," Dongho mutters in response to Daehyun's silent horror. "It's not... not anything, really."</p><p>"Your poster," Daehyun gasps, and Dongho's lips quirk into a half-grin. </p><p>"It's fine."</p><p>"<em>It was signed!</em>"</p><p>"We'll just have to see it again, then."</p><p>Dongho places Daehyun's bags against the wall, and his eyes light up at the sight of something under the table. "Oh-"</p><p>"What's up?" Daehyun asks, dropping into a crouch. "<em>Oh</em>-"</p><p>A small ball of black fluff is curled in a miniature cat bed, chest rising and falling as her tail occasionally twitches. </p><p>"Boba," Dongho whispers, reaching over to run his fingers along the cat's forehead. "Boba, wake up."</p><p>The cat blinks lethargically at him, standing and stretching with a jaw-breaking yawn, and Daehyun feels his heart flutter.</p><p>"Oh my god, she's adorable."</p><p>Boba walks over to sit in Dongho's lap, and the eldest gazes at her with a look of undisguised adoration. "Hey, Bo'..."</p><p>Daehyun's heart flutters once again.</p><p>"Wanna pet her?" Dongho asks, and Daehyun gasps, staring at the calm cat in Dongho's lap.</p><p>"Are you sure?"</p><p>"You're not going to break her."</p><p>Daehyun reaches out, hesitating for a moment before he presses his fingers to Boba's head, and <em>oh</em>-</p><p>"She's soft, isn't she?" Dongho murmurs, reaching over to scratch Boba's chin. "She was probably brushed yesterday."</p><p>"You brush her?"</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>Daehyun slides over to sit next to Dongho, their arms brushing as he reaches down to scratch Boba's chin. "She's so pretty..."</p><p>"Isn't she?"</p><p>Daehyun's gaze flits to Dongho's face - the elder's eyes shining with adoring softness - and he smiles, hand shifting to scratch Boba's forehead. "I love her."</p>
<hr/><p>"Do you have <em>anything </em>edible?"</p><p>Daehyun shuts the last cabinet and plants his hands on his hips, eyes sparking with irritation. "There's nothing in these cabinets!"</p><p>"I have granola bars and cereal?" Dongho replies, and Daehyun shakes his head. </p><p>"No can do. We're going to the store."</p><p>He stuffs his hands in his pockets, and he's thrown for a loop when he comes up empty. "I thought I put a mask in here..."</p><p>"I'll grab two from my room," Dongho volunteers, and Daehyun stiffens as reality crashes over him once more. </p><p>Of course he doesn't have his mask.</p><p>He's three years in the past.</p><p>"Catch," Dongho states, jolting him out of his reverie by tossing him a medical mask.</p><p>Daehyun snatches it out of the air and hooks it over his ears, pulling it down to his chin as he grins. "So, who're you gonna be today?"</p><p>"I don't know," Dongho muses, and Daehyun's grin widens.</p><p>It's a game they've played for years. They'll create entirely new personas for a single shopping trip, and whoever can make their persona the most outlandish but believable wins.</p><p>Daehyun usually wins.</p><p>"...how about Jason Smith?"</p><p>"I <em>hate </em>Jason Smith," Daehyun whines, draping himself across the counter. "How about Pietro Popov?"</p><p>"No," Dongho frowns, nose scrunching up just slightly. </p><p>Daehyun may or may not think it's adorable.</p><p>"...Park Jaehyun?"</p><p>"You don't look like a Park Jaehyun," Daehyun informs him, "but I'll take it. Park Jaehyun, a down-on-his-luck guitarist looking for love..."</p><p>"I'll be Kang Youngho, then," Dongho grins, and Daehyun squawks, folding his arms over his chest.</p><p>"Hey! You can't use your real last name!"</p><p>"Min Youngho," Dongho corrects, grin widening further, and Daehyun rolls his eyes. "A struggling business major with dreams of being a pianist..."</p><p>"You are <em>so cliché.</em>"</p><p>"You're the one who started with the music theme."</p><p>"Are we a couple, then, or not?"</p><p>Daehyun frowns, lips pursing into a thin line. "...first date off a dating app."</p><p>Dongho's grin widens for a moment before falling into a serious frown. "I should pick you up at the door, then."</p><p>"We live in the same place."</p><p>"It's the spirit that counts."</p><p>"Are you going to take me on a romantic date to Burger King?" Daehyun teases, and a faint grin creeps onto the eldest's lips.</p><p>"Maybe."</p><p>"Then you have to ask me out first, <em>god</em>, hyung."</p><p>Dongho grins, dropping down on one knee to grasp Daehyun's hand. "Kim Daehyun-"</p><p>"Park Jaehyun."</p><p>"Park Jaehyun," Dongho continues, somehow managing to hold a poker face, "will you do me the ultimate honor of coming to Burger King with me?"</p><p>"Why, Min Youngho," Daehyun grins, "I'd be honored."</p><p>Dongho stands, and Daehyun reaches over to grab his hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing for an instant.</p><p>"You're such a sap," Dongho mutters, and Daehyun squeezes his hand once more.</p><p>"Yeah, but you like it."</p>
<hr/><p>Another addition to Daehyun's "Little-Known Facts About Dongho" book (he's keeping a running count in his mind) is that Dongho, for some incomprehensible reason, absolutely adores fast food fries.</p><p>He hates everything else, but he specifically loves their fries.</p><p>Daehyun doesn't understand it either.</p><p>(his working theory is that it's because they're so salty, but even <em>that </em>makes no sense.)</p><p>Still, Dongho's sitting across the table from him, dark hair messy and a tiny smile on his lips, and Daehyun is so stupidly happy to see him.</p><p>"Are you seriously just going to have a meal of fries?" Daehyun asks, and Dongho shakes his head.</p><p>"There's a-"</p><p>"If you say granola bar at home, I will scream."</p><p>Dongho shuts his mouth.</p><p>"Honestly, Youngho-yah," Daehyun grins, "how do I eat better than you when you're the businessman and I'm the street musician?"</p><p>"No sense of nutrition," Dongho hums, picking up another fry. "I think half the blood in my veins is caffeine."</p><p>"How are you not dead yet?"</p><p>"Sheer spite, Jaehyun-ah."</p><p>"But you're so cute," Daehyun frowns, and Dongho chokes on his fry. "I can't believe you're motivated only by spite."</p><p>"I am many things," Dongho sagely replies, "but cute is not one of them."</p><p>"Lies-"</p><p>"<em>Yah</em>!"</p><p>Daehyun's gaze flits to the door, and he pales upon seeing an irate Minsoo storming forwards, fury sparking in his eyes. </p><p>"You didn't call him back-"</p><p>"I didn't call him back."</p><p>"You!" Minsoo shouts, storming forwards to jab his finger into Dongho's chest. "You never called me back!"</p><p>"Is this one of your exes, Youngho-yah?" Daehyun asks, and Dongho's eyes spark with mischief as he turns back to Minsoo.</p><p>"Jaehyun-ah, I'm so sorry about this-"</p><p>"I don't know what the hell you're doing," Minsoo snaps, "but you skipped practice today <em>and </em>you didn't call me back, so I don't know what's happening with both of you, but we're going to practice <em>right now</em>!"</p><p>"I'm on a date," Dongho blandly states, and Daehyun gives Minsoo a tiny wave.</p><p>"Wha-"</p><p>"Park Jaehyun," Daehyun grins, offering Minsoo a hand. "Street musician extraordinaire."</p><p>"And modest, too," Dongho remarks, and Daehyun winks at him.</p><p>"Are you two pod people?" Minsoo asks, pointing between the two of them as if to figure something out. "You're being weird."</p><p>Dongho and Daehyun exchange a look, a million words communicated in a moment, and Dongho shakes his head.</p><p>"Daehyun wanted to do acting practice," Dongho replies, and Daehyun frowns for an instant - mourning the loss of Jaehyun and Youngho - before bounding over to sling an arm over Minsoo's shoulder, lips curling into a bright grin.</p><p>"Aren't we great?"</p><p>Minsoo stares at him, unimpressed, and Daehyun's grin turns a little crooked.</p><p>"Aw, c'mon-"</p><p>"We're going to practice," Minsoo flatly replies, and Dongho sighs, hopping off the stool. </p><p>"C'mon, Dae."</p><p>"Wait," Daehyun whispers, darting to Dongho's side. "Do I have to call him hyung? Because technically, I'm twenty-seven, so-"</p><p>"<em>Oh my god, Dae</em>."</p><p>"It's a real question!"</p><p>Dongho opens his mouth, then pauses.</p><p>"<em>You don't know either?</em>"</p><p>"Pick up the pace!" Minsoo snaps, and Daehyun rolls his eyes, leaning forwards to grasp Dongho's hand.</p><p>"Hey, do you remember the steps?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Oh, good. I don't, either."</p>
<hr/><p>By the time Minsoo finally lets them leave, it's so late it's early.</p><p>Daehyun sighs once he flops into the passenger's seat, sagging into the cushions as his eyes slide shush. "Ah..."</p><p>Dongho watches him with a fond smile, and his gaze lingers for an instant before he turns on the car.</p><p>This - this is familiar. Dongho giving Daehyun a ride home from practice while Minsoo stays behind, the sky pitch-black and multi-colored lights beating down on them.</p><p>(Dongho misses Minsoo enough that it's a stabbing ache - one that never goes away, reinforced with every text unsent and word left unsaid.)</p><p>But Daehyun's here.</p><p>Daehyun's here, curled up and asleep in the passenger's seat with multicolored lights reflecting on his face, and Dongho's so horribly grateful.</p><p>When they pull up to a red light, he reaches over to pull a bit of greasy hair out of Daehyun's mouth, thumb ghosting over the younger man's forehead, and he holds the position for a moment, paralyzed.</p><p>Because that-</p><p>that isn't a thing friends do.</p><p>His hand drifts back to the wheel, and he grips it as tight as he can, gaze pinned on the road in front of him.</p><p>He's not going to think about it.</p><p>He's not going to think about it, because <em>it doesn't matter</em>.</p><p>Daehyun sighs, curling in on himself, and Dongho sighs, gaze drifting to the younger man's form once more.</p><p>"...love you, Dae."</p><p>His words go unanswered.</p>
<hr/><p>When he pulls up to the apartment complex, Daehyun's still asleep.</p><p>Dongho weighs pros and cons for a moment before pulling open the door and pulling Daehyun into his arms, leaning the younger man's head against his shoulder and kicking the door shut.</p><p>Daehyun doesn't stir as Dongho carries him up the stairs, and he doesn't stir as Dongho pulls open the door, toeing off his shoes and working Daehyun's off his feet. </p><p>He likes to imagine that it's because Daehyun feels safe with him.</p><p>Finally, he places Daehyun on his bed, tucking the younger man under the sheets and brushing his hair out of his face.</p><p>Boba yawns, climbing across the bed to snuggle up by Daehyun's side, and Dongho smiles, something warm settling in his chest.</p><p>He can just take the couch.</p><p>"...hyung?"</p><p>Daehyun's eyes open into thin slits, and he reaches out to grab the hem of Dongho's shirt, weakly tugging it a few times. "Stay..."</p><p>Dongho's heart lands in his throat.</p><p>"Sure," he murmurs, yanking off his sweat-soaked shirt and pulling on an almost-new hoodie. He kicks off his jeans and pulls on a pair of shorts, giving Boba a quick scratch on the head before climbing into bed.</p><p>There's around six inches between them, and this is fine, Dongho thinks.</p><p>This is great, actually.</p><p>"<em>Hyung</em>..."</p><p>Daehyun rolls over, and Dongho stiffens as the younger man hugs him like an overexcited octopus.</p><p>How is this even possible?</p><p>"Go to sleep," Daehyun mumbles, burying his face in the fabric of Dongho's hoodie, and, well-</p><p>who is Dongho to refuse?</p>
<hr/><p>When Daehyun wakes up the next morning, he's caged in by Dongho's arms, the eldest's nose pressed to his hair and legs tangled in Daehyun's.</p><p>His gaze flits to the foot of the bed - Boba's still asleep, dark fur shining with the rising sun - and he exhales, snuggling closer to Dongho's warmth.</p><p>This is nice.</p><p>He could get used to this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>youngho and jaehyun are references to younghyun and jaehyung from day6 btw</p><p>comments fuel me... just saying o3o</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. regarding rain and longing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dongho watches as Daehyun fiddles with his phone, lips pursed and gaze pinned on the glowing screen. It's some game that was popular three years ago - <em>is popular now</em>, and Daehyun looks like he's desperate for a distraction, so Dongho leaves him be.</p><p>He <em>gets it</em>.</p><p>They're going to see Jaewon today, and that-</p><p>he doesn't want to do that.</p><p>He doesn't want to see Jaewon, doesn't want to see the walking, breathing version of a corpse so mangled they could only identify him with his blood-covered phone.</p><p>He doesn't want to see a dead man walking.</p><p>Still, he pulls up to the company and cuts the engine, the both of them sitting in the car for a moment.</p><p>"We have to go in," he finally states, and Daehyun nods - quick and jerky.</p><p>"Yeah. Yeah. Let's- let's go."</p><p>Daehyun was the closest to Jaewon out of all of them, Dongho remembers, though that's not saying much.</p><p>
  <strike>(he remembers them coming back from vacation, remembers having to stare down at the mangled body and identify it-)</strike>
</p><p>He doesn't want to see Jaewon.</p><p>But if they're going to save his life, they have to.</p><p>They move through the hallways in a haze, and once they reach the practice room, Daehyun reaches out to grasp Dongho's hand, fingers interlacing with the eldest's.</p><p>
  <em>"Don't go."</em>
</p><p>Actions speak louder than words, so Dongho holds on tight.</p><p>He pulls open the practice room door-</p><p>and <em>oh</em>.</p><p>Jaewon's sitting near the far wall, red hair as bright and brilliant as it was that day (and Dongho had forgotten how red it was, always associated it with the deeper red of blood, but it's the color of cherries and lipstick) and legs spread in a stretch, his hands in front of him and chest nearly pressed to the floor.</p><p>"You're actually here," Minsoo snorts, and Daehyun's grip tightens painfully on Dongho's hand. "Wyld-ah, they actually came today."</p><p>Did they call Jaewon "Wyld"?</p><p>Dongho can't remember. </p><p>Jaewon raises his head, and he gives them a small smile before turning back to his stretches, and <em>oh</em>, the sight makes his heart ache.</p><p>"Hyung," Daehyun mutters, and Dongho turns, gaze landing on Daehyun's pale face. "Hyung, 'm gonna throw up."</p><p>Oh, fuck.</p><p>Dongho pulls Daehyun into the hallway, shoving a trash can in front of his face just in time for him to expel the contents of his stomach.</p><p>And, well-</p><p>they'd all seen the body.</p><p>Dongho rubs his back as Daehyun gasps for breath, tears dripping down his chin and bile sticking to his lips, and the younger man turns to stare at him, eyes welling with <em>grief</em>.</p><p>"What are we supposed to do?"</p><hr/><p>Daehyun never told anybody, but his home screen wasn't the same photo of Paris.</p><p>His lock screen was - something nice to greet him every time he turned on his phone - but his home screen was a photo of the four of them from just after debut.</p><p>All four of them, including Jaewon.</p><p>And that-</p><p>seeing Jaewon again just-</p><p>they saw the body.</p><p>Jaewon's dead, was <em>very, very dead</em>, but here he is in front of them, alive and breathing and <em>still here</em>, and if Daehyun can save him, he has to try.</p><p>He <em>has to try</em>.</p><p>Dongho's stretching across the room, and Daehyun can tell he's going slow to figure out how flexible he is - the answer would normally be <em>very</em>, but this isn't 2023, and Dongho's got to figure out his limits - but because Daehyun is both a fool and a masochist, he plops down next to Jaewon.</p><p>"Hey!"</p><p>Jaewon chokes on his water.</p><p>"Um," the redhead eloquently replies, scrubbing his chin with his sleeve, "hi?"</p><p>"So," Daehyun grins, dropping into a stretch, "what did you do last night?"</p><p>He bends over, and immediately regrets it.</p><p>Looks like he should've gone the Dongho route.</p><p>"Are you okay?" Jaewon gasps, and Daehyun nods, biting his lower lip to keep from screaming.</p><p>This was a mistake.</p><p>"Hoo... I'm - <em>gah </em>- I'm fine."</p><p>"Stretching isn't for tearing yourself apart," Dongho admonishes from the other side of the room, and Daehyun groans.</p><p>"You've been saying that for <em>forever</em>, hyung-ah. Why not just get it tattooed on your forehead? It'd save you time."</p><p>Dongho scowls, but there's a hint of a grin in the twist of his lips nonetheless.</p><p>"So," Daehyun continues, leaning back on his hands, "what did you do last night?"</p><p>"Me?" Jaewon asks, pointing at himself, and Daehyun snorts.</p><p>"<em>Yes</em>, you, silly. So, did you meet up with someone?"</p><p>Jaewon hesitates, and Daehyun laughs, leaning over to elbow his side. "I'm just joking, hyungie. You don't have to answer if you don't want to."</p><p>"Ah... I went to get coffee."</p><p>"Last <em>night</em>?"</p><p>"Yeah..."</p><p>"Wow, that's cooler than what I did. Hyung and I just went out for dinner and practiced until two."</p><p>He opts to leave out the fact that they slept together.</p><p>"You and Dongho-hyung are really close, huh?"</p><p>Daehyun can hear a hint of envy in Jaewon's voice, and the old wound of his hyung's death aches once more.</p><p>"We can be close, too," Daehyun grins, sliding closer to lean into Jaewon's side.</p><p>(the "not as close as me and Dongho, though," goes left unsaid.)</p><p>Jaewon stares at him, vaguely stunned, and Daehyun elbows him once more, lips curling into an impish grin. "Right, hyung-ah?"</p><p>"Um," Jaewon eloquently replies, and Daehyun beams.</p><p>"Awesome!"</p><hr/><p>During their break, Daehyun plops down next to Dongho and rests his head on his shoulder.</p><p>He's <em>exhausted</em>.</p><p>This body isn't trained in dancing like his own is (will be) and every part of him is worn-out and sore.</p><p>And practice is only <em>half over</em>.</p><p>"Kill me now," Daehyun groans, mashing his face into Dongho's shirt. "Please, hyung. It would be a mercy."</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>Dongho reaches up to press at a space just to the left of Daehyun's right shoulder-blade, and the younger man groans, relaxing into the elder's touch. "Oh my god, hyung, please-"</p><p>"How are you holding your shoulders?" Dongho asks, pressing at a particularly difficult knot.</p><p>"I - <em>ah</em> - don't know?"</p><p>"You look like you've been carrying thousands of pounds. <em>Relax</em>."</p><p>"This isn't a relaxing situation," Daehyun mutters, and Dongho flicks his head.</p><p>"Yah. Think positive. And besides, aren't we supposed to be acting?"</p><p>"We could," Daehyun grins, tilting his head back so it's resting on Dongho's shoulder, "but I missed you."</p><p>He catches sight of Minsoo and Jaewon staring from across the room, and his lips quirk into a grin as his eyes flutter shut.</p><p>"You never miss me this much," Dongho remarks, and Daehyun snorts.</p><p>"I miss you a lot."</p><p>"We live together."</p><p>"Am I not allowed to miss you?"</p><p>Dongho snorts, fingers pressing into a particularly sore spot at the nape of Daehyun's neck. "I'm just saying. You don't get sick of me?"</p><p>"You're not a very obtrusive presence."</p><p>"Obtrusive?"</p><p>"I listen when you talk <em>sometimes</em>, hyung-ah."</p><p>Dongho snorts once more, and Daehyun relaxes into his touch, eyes fluttering shut.</p><p>"...I miss Minsoo-hyung."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>"If you miss me so much," Minsoo cuts in, and Daehyun blinks up at the irate leader, his hands planted on his hips, "you two can stop being weird in the practice room and get back to work!"</p><p>"But <em>hyung</em>," Daehyun whines, slithering out of Dongho's arms and turning into a sad little Daehyun-shaped puddle on the floor. "I'm so <em>sore</em>."</p><p>"You'll be less sore if you eat a banana," Dongho volunteers, and Daehyun groans.</p><p>"Hyung, I don't <em>have </em>a banana. <em>You </em>don't have a banana. Why do you <em>always say this</em>?"</p><p>"I read it somewhere," Dongho states, voice leaving no room for arguments, "so it must be right."</p><p>"Potassium," Daehyun groans, mashing his face into the floor. "Yes. Potassium. Can't I just take a painkiller?"</p><p>"Bananas are nature's painkiller. Now c'mon."</p><p>Dongho offers him a hand, and Daehyun takes it, letting the eldest pull him upright.</p><p>("Did you see that?" Minsoo whispers, and Jaewon nods, not entirely certain why Minsoo's standing by him but excited nonetheless.)</p><p>"You probably think trees are nature's antidepressants," Daehyun snarks, and Dongho stares at him, impassive.</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Wha-"</p><p>"Back in order!" Minsoo barks, and Daehyun curses under his breath, scrambling to get back in position.</p><p>Drill sergeant. Really.</p><hr/><p>Being in his old studio is weird, Dongho decides.</p><p>There's his old keyboard from back before Minsoo spilled soda on it, there's his old laptop with the sticky "O" key. There's his mic - he doesn't use it enough to warrant a new one - and there's his folder of sheet music, papers sprawled across the table.</p><p>He reaches over and brushes them back into the folder, shutting it and placing it on his bookcase.</p><p>Daehyun's guitar isn't in the corner.</p><p>That's a new development, really - Daehyun's position in the corner of his studio, a mic and stand set up for him. It's only been a thing for the last few weeks, but it's already nicer than working alone-</p><p>Dongho shakes himself out of his reverie, staring at the sound equipment in the corner.</p><p>That's not a thing.</p><p>That's not reality. Not now.</p><p>He eases his headphones on and pulls up his saved tracks, running through a few and trying to remember what - if anything - he did with them.</p><p>It shouldn't take more than ten minutes.</p><p>Ten minutes turns to thirty turns to an hour turns to four, and he's jolted out of his stupor by his phone buzzing on the table.</p><p>Daehyun's calling.</p><p>He yanks off his headphones and picks up his phone, pressing "accept" and pressing it to his ear. "Hello?"</p><p><em>"Hyung," </em>Daehyun sniffs, then sneezes. <em>"It's raining. Can you come get me?"</em></p><p>Dongho presses save and shuts off his computer, grabbing his jacket and pulling it on. "Sure. Where are you?"</p><p>
  <em>"At Coffee Temple. It's near the company."</em>
</p><p>"Why didn't you just come back and meet me in person?"</p><p>As if in reply, thunder booms, and Daehyun exhales, long and low.</p><p>
  <em>"That's why."</em>
</p><p>"I'll be there in five."</p><hr/><p>When Dongho pulls up to the coffee shop, he's only moderately surprised to see Jaewon there as well.</p><p>Daehyun climbs into the passenger's side, catching the towel Dongho chucks at him with ease, and Jaewon winces as he climbs into the back, red hair dripping over the seats.</p><p>"You should've told me you were bringing Jaewon-ah," Dongho admonishes, and Daehyun shrugs.</p><p>"Does it matter?"</p><p>"I would've brought another towel."</p><p>Jaewon's looking at them like he suspects they're pod people, which - really? Dongho'd like to think a pod person would at least try to act normal - and he quirks a brow, gaze flitting to Jaewon's eyes.</p><p>"You mind if I bring you back to our place?"</p><p>"Um," Jaewon eloquently replies, and Daehyun leans over to grin at him.</p><p>"It's great! He has a cat!"</p><p>"Sure?"</p><p>"Great. I'll get Jeongmin to set up the guest room."</p><p>"You have a guest room?" Daehyun asks, and Dongho stares at him.</p><p>"...is Minsoo going to be joining us or not? I need to plan."</p><p>"You have a guest room?"</p><p>"Am I just collecting the entire group by this point?"</p><p>"Hyung, do you really have a guest room?"</p><p>"...maybe."</p><p>"Aww," Daehyun teases, "you <em>do </em>like me."</p><p>"Of course I do."</p><p>"And you admit it! Wow, this is awesome - hey, can you sing for me next?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"I don't sing."</p><p>"<em>Li-ar</em>. Everyone sings! Even Jaewon-hyung sings!"</p><p>Jaewon looks like he isn't quite certain whether to be offended by being the "even" or not, and Dongho sighs.</p><p>"Don't antagonize Min- Jaewon-ah."</p><p>"I'm not antagonizing him, I'm antagonizing you!"</p><p>"...I'm not singing, Daehyun-ah."</p><p>"I'll get you to sing soon," Daehyun grins, folding his arms over his chest. "And seriously, why won't you just call me Dae?"</p><p>"I'm not singing, Dae."</p><p>"...you suck."</p><p>Dongho grins - a quick, fleeting thing - and turns his attention back to the road. "Let me drive, you little gremlin."</p><p>"<em>Gremlin?</em>"</p><hr/><p>Dongho's house is fucking <em>huge</em>.</p><p>Jaewon gawps as Daehyun pushes through the entryway, rubbing his hair with a towel and toeing off his shoes. "I'm gonna go shower, hyung!"</p><p>"Don't use all the hot water," Dongho sighs, and Daehyun winks.</p><p>"There's unlimited hot water, 'cause you're rich, remember?"</p><p>Dongho pauses for a moment before nodding, and he stuffs his hands in his pockets, lips pursing into a thin line. "Still. Don't take too long."</p><p>"I <em>won't</em>," Daehyun sing-songs, and Dongho seems satisfied with that answer.</p><p>Jaewon-</p><p>has no idea what the <em>fuck </em>is happening.</p><p>First, Daehyun comes up to him at the coffee shop and chats about video games and girl groups, and now he's in Dongho's living room, where he and Daehyun apparently live together (and share a room!) which is probably a new development?</p><p>They've been acting weird for the last two days, and Jaewon has no idea how to feel about it.</p><p>On the one hand, Daehyun's actually talking to him and engaging him in conversation, which is weird but enjoyable. On the other hand, Daehyun is <em>engaging him in conversation</em>, which is <em>very, very weird</em>.</p><p>And now Dongho's staring at him, and Jaewon realizes he may have stood there like an idiot for a few seconds too long.</p><p>"Ah- thank you for your hospitality," he stammers, and Dongho gives him a weird look, stuffing his hands in his pockets. </p><p>"Of course. You're my groupmate."</p><p>And <em>oh</em>, that stings.</p><p>Groupmate, not friend.</p><p>"You can borrow some of my clothes if you need to change," Dongho offers, and Jaewon stares down at his dripping shirt and jeans, a shiver wracking his body before he can stop himself. "Aigoo, kid, don't catch a cold..."</p><p>Kid?</p><p>That's new.</p><p>"You're finally acting your age," Daehyun calls, seemingly delighted, and Dongho's eyebrow twitches.</p><p>"Yah, Dae, what does that mean?"</p><p>"Nothing," Daehyun innocently replies, poking his head out of the bedroom. "Just saying it's nice to see you finally acting like the old man we know you are-"</p><p>"<em>Yah!</em>"</p><hr/><p>Daehyun opts to sit with Jaewon in the living room while Dongho makes cocoa in the kitchen - an open space, so Daehyun can keep an eye on him - and he notices the way Jaewon stares around the room, looking as if he expects a hidden camera to pop out at any second.</p><p>"Nobody else is here," Daehyun assures him, reaching over to pat Jaewon's shoulder. "Nobody else can see you."</p><p>Jaewon doesn't relax.</p><p>Daehyun's gaze flits to Dongho - he's in the kitchen, earbuds in and hands busy - and his lips curl into a grin despite himself.</p><p>God, he just... he just adores Dongho.</p><p>"What do you wanna watch?" he asks, grabbing the t.v. remote and flicking it on. "I don't know what hyung has - <em>hey hyung, what do we have</em>?"</p><p>"Netflix and Hulu!" Dongho calls, and Daehyun nods.</p><p>"Okay, so we can watch Netflix and Hulu. What do you wanna watch?"</p><p>"...I heard there was a new rom-com?"</p><p>"Let's watch that new documentary," Dongho states, placing two mugs on the table. "The one about the sharks."</p><p>"No," Daehyun whines, leaning over the black of the couch. "'Blackfish' is neither new nor about sharks, and it's <em>sad</em>."</p><p>"Jaewon's the guest," Dongho points out, and Daehyun groans.</p><p>"Hyung, I'm technically a guest, too-"</p><p>"A guest who leaves his underwear <em>in my bed</em>?"</p><p>"That was <em>one time</em>, and I <em>told you </em>I was drunk-"</p><p>"You don't get drunk, Dae. And besides, I don't remember you drinking that night."</p><p>"Well, of <em>course </em>you wouldn't remember! You were so plastered you said Minyoung was the best member of MARSHMELL-O - which she <em>is</em> - and cried into my shirt over how small Minsoo-hyung is!"</p><p>"Now I <em>know </em>you're lying."</p><p>"Wha- <em>I'm telling the truth</em>!"</p><p>Dongho and Daehyun lock gazes for a moment before Daehyun sighs, patting the couch next to him. "C'mere."</p><p>Jaewon watches, bewildered, as Dongho takes a seat next to Daehyun, and his disbelief only mounts as Daehyun curls into his side, resting his head on the elder's shoulder and staring at the t.v.</p><p>"So," Daehyun starts, as though he hasn't done anything worthy of attention in the slightest, "what are we watching?"</p><hr/><p>Jaewon falls asleep halfway through the documentary, but Dongho and Daehyun watch it until the end.</p><p>They watch it until the credits are rolling and the only sound is the pitter-patter of rain on the windows, and after that, they just sit there for a moment.</p><p>It's nice.</p><p>"...you have a nice view from up here," Daehyun finally murmurs, and Dongho nods, resting his cheek on Daehyun's head.</p><p>"I don't see it much."</p><p>"Then let's go look."</p><p>Daehyun spreads a blanket on the floor, and they take a seat in front of the massive windows, staring out at the multicolored city below. The distant roar of the rain fills the air, and Dongho fishes his phone out of his pocket, holding up an earbud in silent invitation.</p><p>Daehyun grins at him, accepting the offering and pushing it in his ear, and he slides over to rest his head on Dongho's shoulder as music starts to play.</p><p>Tinny guitar music floats through the air as Dongho's hand comes up to toy with Daehyun's hair, gaze pinned on the distant buildings. He relaxes into his touch, eyes fluttering shut as he curls closer to the elder, and Dongho's lips quirk into the tiniest of grins as his gaze drops to Daehyun's face.</p><p>Daehyun doesn't say a word.</p><p>Dongho's gaze drifts back to the view, and Daehyun's eyes open to thin slits, gaze flitting to his friend's face.</p><p>And oh-</p><p>Dongho's crying.</p><p>Daehyun reaches up to brush a tear off his cheek, thumb brushing over Dongho's cheekbones, and the dark-haired man gives him a small smile, gaze pinned on the distant horizon.</p><p>It's not right without Minsoo.</p><p>It's not right with just the two of them, not right without Minsoo-</p><p>but it's nice nonetheless.</p><p>The song ends, and they sit in silence, the only sound the pitter-patter of raindrops on the windowsill.</p><p>And oh, Daehyun thinks, hand dropping to his lap, he could stay like this forever.</p><p>Even if it meant never moving forward, he could stay like this forever.</p><p>Dongho's arm drapes over his shoulders, and Daehyun curls deeper into his touch, tears stinging his eyes.</p><p>He's not sure when he drifts off, not sure when the sound of the rain disappears, but he knows that he heard Dongho sing - at least for a moment.</p><hr/><p>Dongho stares down at Daehyun's sleeping form, brushing a lock of hair out of the blond's face and tucking it behind his ear.</p><p>And oh-</p><p>he loves him.</p><p>Isn't that a stunning realization?</p><p>(not so much.)</p><p>He stands, pulling Daehyun into his arms once more, and with the sound of the rain as a backdrop, he takes Daehyun back to bed, placing him under the covers and pulling them up to his chin.</p><p>Boba blinks at him as he takes his side, a fresh ache settling in his chest, and before he can think better of it, he slides over to gather Daehyun in his arms.</p><p>The blond curls into his touch, breathing evening out, and Dongho runs his fingers through his tangled hair, nails gently scratching against his scalp and eyes slowly drifting shut.</p><p>He dozes off at some point, hand in Daehyun's hair and arm wrapped around his waist, and he has a blessedly dreamless night.</p><hr/><p>When Jaewon wakes up the next morning, the living room is empty.</p><p>Someone covered him with a blanket in the night, and he kicks it off, stumbling to his feet and heading down the hallway.</p><p>The door at the end of the hall is ajar, he notices, and he grabs the handle, pushing it open just slightly-</p><p>until he stops.</p><p>Daehyun's curled up in Dongho's arms, hair strewn across the pillow and eyes shut. Next to him, Dongho has his arms wrapped around Daehyun, and Jaewon stares at them - their noses inches apart - and comes to a realization.</p><p>He doesn't know how it happened, but they're in love.</p><p>He tip-toes away, heading for the kitchen, and he searches through the cabinets for a bit before coming up with a box of granola bars.</p><p>...does Dongho have <em>any </em>food?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the song they're listening to is "so big/so small" from dear evan hansen</p><p>i chose that for the lyrics "no matter what/i'll be here"</p><p>different dynamic (mother/son vs boyfriends) but similar message</p><p>also once again dongdae are incredibly gay and fucked up my pacing</p><p>thank them for this 3.3k chapter</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. regarding breakfast and friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"They what?"</em>
</p><p>Jaewon nods, watching as the pair interact in the kitchen. "Are you sure they aren't dating?"</p><p><em>"Dongho-hyung would've told me," </em>Minsoo replies, but Jaewon knows he's frowning. <em>"He doesn't keep secrets like this."</em></p><p>Jaewon watches as Dongho says something that causes Daehyun to burst into peals of laughter, the younger man hooking his chin over Dongho's shoulder and wrapping his arms around his waist. And-</p><p>Dongho <em>lets him</em>.</p><p>
  <em>"Wyld-ah?"</em>
</p><p>Jaewon watches, paralyzed, as Dongho leans back to say something, and Daehyun grins, tightening his grip. The elder sighs, dipping his head to focus on breakfast, but Jaewon catches sight of a small smile creeping onto his lips, and <em>holy shit</em>.</p><p>He's never seen Dongho smile before, and definitely not like this.</p><p>"...are you sure, hyung?"</p><p>
  <em>"Do you wanna find out?"</em>
</p><p>A little bit, but-</p><p>there are two big problems with that.</p><p>Number one: if Dongho and Daehyun haven't told Minsoo, then they probably don't want him to know.</p><p>Number two: Jaewon isn't close enough to any of them to get involved.</p><p>"...that's fine, hyung. I've got a lot of work to do later, so..."</p><p>
  <em>"Oh."</em>
</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>Jaewon's gaze drifts to the window, landing on a distant skyscraper. "If... if Dongho-hyung hasn't told you, then I must just be reading this wrong."</p><p>
  <em>"You sure?"</em>
</p><p>"Yeah. It's fine."</p><p>
  <em>"...'kay. See you at practice!"</em>
</p><p>"See you then, hyung."</p><p>"Jaewonnie-hyung!"</p><p>Jaewon blinks as Daehyun places a plate on the table in front of him, and his gaze falls to the pancake on it, lips curling into a smile once he catches sight of the face drawn on it. </p><p>It's a smiley face, chocolate chips making the eyes and whipped cream forming the smile.</p><p>
  <em>Cute.</em>
</p><p>Daehyun places his plate on the table across from him, lips curled into a bright grin, and Jaewon gives him a small smile in return, which only seems to make Daehyun's grin grow even wider.</p><p>"Dig in!"</p><p>"What about Dongho-hyung?" Jaewon asks, and Daehyun shrugs.</p><p>"He doesn't do the whole pancake thing. Weird, huh?"</p><p>Jaewon picks up his knife and fork and cuts into his pancake, grabbing a piece with whipped cream and stuffing it in his mouth. And <em>oh</em>-</p><p>"This is amazing, Daehyun-ah."</p><p>"Isn't it?" Daehyun beams, resting his chin on his hand. "So you like it?"</p><p>"Of course!"</p><p>Daehyun's grin widens even more, and he leans back to stare into the kitchen. "Hyung-ah, aren't you gonna come out here and eat with us?"</p><p>"Calm down," Dongho sighs, emerging from the kitchen with a granola bar in hand. "I'm doing the dishes."</p><p>"Aww," Daehyun grins, staring at the elder with an expression Jaewon can only call <em>hopelessly besotted</em>. "You're such a good roommate, hyungie..."</p><p>"If doing the dishes is your standard for being a good roommate, I hate to see what your other standards are," Dongho mutters, and Daehyun laughs, bright and pealing.</p><p>"Aw, c'mon, you know my standards! Don't wake me up in the middle of the night with shouting, don't spend more than two days straight awake-"</p><p>"Sounds like you're describing someone in particular," Dongho points out, and Daehyun winks.</p><p>"You know I love you-"</p><p>He cuts himself off, smile disappearing as his gaze falls to his plate, and <em>okay, what happened</em>?</p><p>Daehyun looks like he wants to <em>cry</em>.</p><p>"You're a pretty good roommate," Dongho states after a moment of silence, "if you ignore the underwear-"</p><p>"That was <em>one time</em>," Daehyun whines, head falling into his hands. "Are you <em>ever </em>gonna let that go?"</p><p>"Not until you acknowledge you did it on purpose."</p><p>"I <em>didn't</em>!"</p><p>Jaewon feels remarkably like a third wheel here.</p><p>"Anyways," Dongho states, cutting Daehyun off mid-protest, "I hope the couch wasn't too uncomfortable."</p><p>"Ah- no, it's fine!"</p><p>Dongho scrutinizes him for a moment, and Jaewon withers under the force of his glare. </p><p>Man, he can be scary when he wants to be.</p><p>"You're glaring," Daehyun notes, popping another piece of pancake in his mouth, and Dongho blinks, gaze flitting to the back of Daehyun's head. "If you make him cry, then you'll be three for three."</p><p>Dongho winces, and Daehyun leans over the back of the chair to nudge his arm. "At least you haven't made me cry in a year or so?"</p><p>Dongho stares at him for a moment, apparently trying to communicate something with his eyes, and to Jaewon's surprise, Daehyun seems to get it immediately.</p><p>"He's not scary," the youngest grins, and Jaewon doesn't feel particularly comforted by that. "He's actually a big softie-"</p><p>"<em>Yah</em>."</p><p>"Aw, c'mon, you know it's true!"</p><p>"You're going to ruin my reputation," Dongho mutters, but he doesn't sound particularly distraught about it.</p><p>"Good," Daehyun hums, winking in Dongho's direction. "Let it be ruined."</p>
<hr/><p>Daehyun runs off to take a shower before practice starts, and Jaewon's left in the kitchen with Dongho.</p><p>It's... unnerving, to say the least.</p><p>Dongho occasionally gives him a long look from his position at the sink, hair pushed out of his eyes and tucked behind his ears, and Jaewon isn't sure what to make of the emotions swirling in his eyes. Chief among them is wariness - he deserves that, Jaewon thinks - but there's also a bit of distrust, a bit of worry, and a bit of... regret?</p><p>Dongho called him <em>kid</em>.</p><p>That-</p><p>that's <em>weird</em>.</p><p>He doesn't call Daehyun anything like that, and Daehyun's even younger than he is, so why-</p><p>He blinks, and Dongho's standing in front of him, hand on the cabinet next to his head and lips pursed in a small frown.</p><p>"You okay?"</p><p>Wow, Jaewon's not doing so hot at his <em>one </em><em>job</em>.</p><p>"Yeah," he laughs, taking a step to the side. "I'm- I'm fine."</p><p>Dongho eyes him for a moment, all the emotions on his face disappearing into a measured blankness in an instant, and he reaches up to put the plates in the cabinet, lips twisting into a frown. "You lie a lot, Jaewon-ah."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I know liars," Dongho simply replies, turning back to the sink. "I know liars, and I know almost every word out of your mouth is a lie."</p><p>"That's not-"</p><p>His mouth clicks shut, and his gaze drops to his feet, guilt washing over him. "I'm not lying."</p><p>It sounds fake even to his ears.</p><p>Dongho tilts his head to stare at him, something Jaewon chooses to call <em>pity</em> shining in his eyes. "Things are easier if you're honest," he states, "but if you have something you absolutely can't share, then just don't let it destroy you."</p><p>There's more compassion in his voice than Jaewon expected, and for a moment, he wonders if Dongho's speaking from experience.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <strong>2022</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>"You're hiding something."</p><p>Dongho quirks a brow, lowering his book as his gaze drifts to Minsoo. "What?"</p><p>"You're hiding something," the leader repeats, dark eyes boring into Dongho's. "You've been off all day."</p><p>"I'm not hiding anything."</p><p>"You," Minsoo states, pulling the book from Dongho's hands and chucking it across the room, "are a lying liar who <em>lies</em>. And you are going to <em>tell me what is going on before I drag it out of you</em>."</p><p>"I'm not telling you anything."</p><p>"<em>Dongho</em>."</p><p>Dongho stares at his best friend for an instant before his gaze drops to his hands, nails digging into the fabric of his jeans. "It's not a problem."</p><p>"You'll feel better if you tell me."</p><p>"What is this, group therapy?"</p><p>"If it has to be."</p><p>Minsoo places his hands on Dongho's shoulders and leans in, their gazes meeting and staying there. "Please, Dongho-hyung. I'm asking you to trust me."</p><p>And <em>oh</em>-</p><p>oh.</p><p>Dongho stares at him - at his best friend, at the person who's stood by his side, at the person who grew up so much so quickly to pull their team together - and in that moment, he can't think of a single person he trusts more.</p><p>"I like boys."</p><p>Minsoo stares at him for a moment, then nods.</p><p>"Is that it?"</p><p>"Um," Dongho eloquently replies, and Minsoo plops down on the couch next to him, leaning over to rest his head on his shoulder. </p><p>"It doesn't matter, hyung. You're my best friend, and you could - you could secretly be three trolls in a trenchcoat, and that wouldn't change the way I think about you."</p><p>"Three trolls in a trenchcoat?"</p><p>"Shut up."</p><p>"But you're... you're really okay with this?"</p><p>Minsoo nods, curling impossibly closer into Dongho's side. "Of course I am, hyung. You're my <em>best friend</em>. <em>Nothing </em>is going to change that."</p><p>Dongho's heart <em>aches</em>.</p><p>He reaches up to sling an arm around Minsoo's shoulders, and his best friend grins, raising his head to prop his chin on the elder's shoulder. "What's this? Am I actually getting reciprocated cuddles from Dongho-hyung?"</p><p>"...thank you, Minsoo-yah."</p><p>"You don't need to thank me," Minsoo firmly replies, leaning down to rest his head on Dongho's chest. "That's just what best friends are for."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"Wh- are you crying? Oh my god, hey, hey, it's okay, you don't need to cry-"</p><p>"I'm not... not crying."</p><p>"C'mere, hyung. You can lean on me."</p>
<hr/><p>It would hurt less if someone stabbed him in the chest.</p><p>Every single action Minsoo takes, every word he says - hell, even the way he acts when he <em>isn't </em>moving is a harsh, jarring reminder that he isn't Dongho's Minsoo.</p><p>And that-</p><p>(<em>"things are easier if you're honest-"</em>)</p><p>it <em>aches</em>.</p><p>Dongho's a good enough dancer that he can slip into autopilot on days like this, trusting his body to know the steps when his mind's years away, and it's <em>nicer </em>to be there than here.</p><p>He's not sure how it didn't hit him sooner - the fact that <em>Minsoo is gone</em> - but here with a stranger wearing his best friend's face, it's hard to breathe.</p><p>Minsoo is dead, and Dongho could've- <em>should've</em> done something.</p><p>"Focus!" Minsoo snaps, gaze flitting to Dongho in the mirror, and for a split-second, all he feels is<em> overwhelming grief</em>.</p><p>His best friend is <em>dead</em>.</p><p>The song ends, and Minsoo studies their reflections in the mirror, watching as Jaewon and Daehyun gasp for breath. "Alright, guys, take five."</p><p>Dongho's already heading out the door.</p><p>His sneakers tap against the tile as he moves on autopilot, feet carrying him towards the bathroom as his eyes glaze over. Nobody else is here - their company isn't big enough yet for that to be a concern <strike>and there were trainees that looked up to him and said they wanted to be like him and what if they never even try in this timeline</strike> - though, hopefully, it will be.</p><p>He pushes open the bathroom door and leans against it as it shuts, the harsh "thud" ringing in tandem with a broken hiccup of a sob.</p><p>God, he's pathetic.</p><p>His back slides down the door as he falls, and he curls up in a small ball against the door, burying his face in his knees as memories wash over him.</p><p>He has three minutes to grieve, and then he has to pull his shit together.</p><p>He has a job to do.</p><p>So for three minutes, he cries. </p><p>He cries for his best friend, cries for all the memories they shared together and all the hundreds of hours they poured into a dream that's just been brutally reset. He cries because this Minsoo doesn't know all those things <em>his </em>Minsoo knows, doesn't know how much coffee Daehyun can have before his words start slurring into franken-words, doesn't know that Dongho secretly loves sugary cereal and sneaks it onto the grocery list every week. He doesn't know that Daehyun has a certain alcohol threshold and that he turns into an over-affectionate, giggly mess once it's passed, doesn't know that Dongho has a secret stash of things Daehyun made that he eats in private whenever he wants to feel a little bit better.</p><p>He wasn't there when Daehyun was tripping on a potent combination of pills, wasn't there to push back his hair and promise him it'd be okay. He wasn't there to sit at the kitchen table with Dongho on a week the nightmares got so bad he couldn't sleep, wasn't there to listen as Dongho spilled the entire gruesome story and waited for judgement.</p><p>That moment, Dongho thinks - the moment where he sat there, Jaewon's death laid bare for Minsoo's judgement, and Minsoo just stood up and <em>hugged him</em> - that moment might just be the most important moment they've ever shared.</p><p><em>"I'll always be here," </em>Minsoo promised, and he believed it, too.</p><p>God, if only Dongho could tell him how wrong he was.</p>
<hr/><p>When Dongho comes back, Daehyun knows he's been crying.</p><p>There's a faint redness around his eyes, a slight tremor to his hands, and he just looks <em>drained</em>.</p><p>It's Minsoo, Daehyun knows - it's always Minsoo when he gets like this.</p><p>He catches Dongho's eye and tries to ask - <em>"are you okay? do you need to leave? can you talk to me?" </em>- but Dongho's gaze hardens, chin tilting up just slightly.</p><p><em>"I can handle this," </em>but much harsher.</p><p>Daehyun ducks his head, cheeks burning with humiliation.</p><p>He's not Minsoo. He can't fix everything.</p><p>Still.</p><p>He presses Dongho's water bottle into his hand before heading over to sit next to Jaewon - a silent peace offering - and when his gaze drifts to the eldest, Daehyun can see a hint of that familiar softness in his gaze.</p><p>
  <em>"Thank you."</em>
</p><p>"Ah-" Jaewon starts, then cuts himself off mid-sentence. "What... what do you like to do?"</p><p>"I'd like to try photography," Daehyun grins, a bit of pride welling in his chest at the fact that he managed to avoid tacking the "again" onto it. "I mean, we have a model in our group, so why not?"</p><p>"A model?"</p><p>"Two, actually," Daehyun winks, leaning over to elbow Jaewon's arm. "Once I get a camera, will you pose for me?"</p><p>"Ah-"</p><p>"Since when do you like photography?" Minsoo chips in, and to the untrained, it sounds like a civil question, but Daehyun can hear the hidden demand under it.</p><p>(<em>"tell me the truth, Kim Daehyun!"</em>)</p><p>"I think it sounds cool," Daehyun grins, leaning back on his hands. "Photography and composition, maybe?"</p><p>He blinks as Minsoo pokes his nose, the leader's eyes narrowing to thin slits. </p><p>"I'm onto you, pod person," Minsoo states - <em>very seriously states</em> - and Daehyun bursts into laughter.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this chapter is so much angstier than the title suggests</p><p>there may be no plot movement whatsoever but at least dongho gets to be sad with daehyun there</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. regarding nights forgotten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Comeback preparations fucking <em>suck</em>.</p><p>That, at least, is one thing that's never going to change.</p><p>As soon as they make it home, Daehyun collapses on the couch, a drawn-out groan escaping his lips. "Ahh... cushions... softness... I'm never moving from this spot, hyungie."</p><p>"Fine," Dongho snorts, and Daehyun can hear the grin in his voice as a few pots clank in the kitchen. "I'll make dinner then."</p><p>A long pause.</p><p>"<em>Hngh</em>... I'm getting up."</p><p>"I can handle it," Dongho states, a hint of affront slipping into his voice, and Daehyun groans even louder, finally shoving himself upright.</p><p>"No, hyung, not- I wanna make it."</p><p>"Let me treat you," Dongho simply replies, and Daehyun exhales, flopping back to the cushions with a sigh.</p><p>"...'kay."</p><p>He's not sure when he dozes off, only that he does, because when he opens his eyes again, Dongho's crouched in front of him, hair dripping from a shower and the smell of food wafting through the air.</p><p>Daehyun leans forwards, mashing his face into the crook of Dongho's neck, and his lips curl into a grin as the familiar scent of strawberry fills his nose.</p><p><em>Home</em>.</p><p>"Dinner's ready," Dongho states, and Daehyun relaxes into his touch as the elder rubs small circles into his back. "...unless you just wanna sit here?"</p><p>"Sit for a sec," Daehyun replies, and Dongho nods, moving over to curl up on the couch.</p><p>Dongho has nice arms, Daehyun thinks - perfectly sized for giving hugs.</p><p>No, he's not biased. This is just an objective truth.</p><p>He's not sure how long he sits there, wrapped up in Dongho's grasp and halfway between sleep and lucidity, but at some point, Dongho moves away, and Daehyun whines as his walking hot pack disappears. </p><p>"<em>Hyung</em>-"</p><p>"We need to eat," Dongho points out, and Daehyun grumbles, forcing himself to his feet. </p><p>Stupid stomachs and their need for food. He just wants to sit there and cuddle his boyfriend.</p><p>As soon as the thought enters his head, he stops short, eyes widening.</p><p>What the fuck was that?</p><p><em>Boyfriend</em>? No. He and Dongho are- they're just friends. No homo, but actually no homo.</p><p>Even if he is hot as fuck.</p><p>But that doesn't mean anything. All that means is that Daehyun has eyes.</p><p>Right?</p><p>"Dae?" Dongho calls, and Daehyun swallows as the dark-haired man places a pair of plates on the table, hair pushed back with one of Daehyun's headbands and an apron wrapped around his waist.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>Daehyun's in love.</p><p>"Dae?"</p><p>"Yep!" Daehyun calls, stumbling towards the table and collapsing in a chair. </p><p>Holy fuck. Is this what they call a midlife crisis? Daehyun can't be having a midlife crisis, though, 'cause he's only twenty seven.</p><p>Twenty four.</p><p>Semantics.</p><p>Dongho takes a seat across from him, and it is <em>so fucking unfair </em>that he looks just as hot at twenty-eight as he does at thirty-one, and Daehyun was not emotionally prepared for this, no fucking sir. It should be illegal to be this hot.</p><p>Jesus Christ. Daehyun had his epiphany five seconds ago, and he already wants to kiss him.</p><p>Which is not what he is going to do.</p><p>Dongho is his <em>best friend</em>. Not his boyfriend. <em>Best friend</em>.</p><p>"Are you okay?"</p><p>Daehyun blinks, gaze refocusing on Dongho's face. "Oh- yeah. I'm fine!"</p><p>Dongho frowns, and Daehyun watches as his nose scrunches up a bit with confusion.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>"Just really excited for dinner, y'know?"</p><p>"...yeah," Dongho slowly replies, gaze flitting over Daehyun's face. "Are you sure you're okay, Dae?"</p><p>"Just tired," Daehyun lies, and for a moment, he misses Minsoo something painful.</p><p>That's the thing about Minsoo - he knows <strike>(knew)</strike> Daehyun liked Dongho before even Daehyun did. He'd always tease them whenever they went out together, always let pauses linger for an instant too long, was always teasing, joking, playing, as if to nudge them to a realization they should've had a long time ago.</p><p>A hand presses against his cheek, and Daehyun blinks, head jerking up and gaze landing on Dongho's face.</p><p>"You're crying," the elder simply replies, and Daehyun reaches up to touch his cheek, blinking in bewilderment when his hands come away wet.</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>"What's wrong?"</p><p>"I just..."</p><p>A long exhale.</p><p>"I miss Minsoo-hyung a lot."</p><p>He blinks, and Dongho's arms are around him, the elder's hand in his hair and Daehyun's face buried in his hood.</p><p>"I know," Dongho whispers, and for a moment, Daehyun thinks about snippets of memory - the way the fur of Dongho's hood tickled his chin, Minsoo's laugh, Dongho's hands on his arms - and wishes he had more.</p><p>There was more from that night.</p><p>(there's always been more.)</p>
<hr/><p>(what they've forgotten:</p><p>dongho's hands on daehyun's waist, the scent of alcohol hanging in the air between them.</p><p>minsoo's flirtatious wink, advice given in the night - <em>"that boy is crazy about you" </em>- before disappearing off to who-knows-where.</p><p>bright laughter - daehyun's - and extended metaphors slurred on their apartment roof.</p><p>daehyun's head resting on dongho's chest, hand reaching up to grasp at the stars, and <em>"aren't they so pretty?"</em> and <em>"</em><em>not as pretty as you"</em>.</p><p>dongho's lips brushing against daehyun's, the stars beating down on them, and confessions placed in the night sky like stars.</p><p>the feeling of hands on daehyun's wrists, dongho's touch hot, searing, desperate, and the fact that they won't remember this in the morning blanketing every movement.</p><p>daehyun's head resting on dongho's chest while the elder toys with his hair, exhaustion weighing him down and dongho's hands keeping him grounded.)</p><p>(what they never saw:</p><p>minsoo, coming back in in the dead of night to see the two of them curled up in dongho's bed, daehyun's head tucked under dongho's chin and the two of them pressed so close that it's impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins.)</p>
<hr/><p>"Is everything okay, hyung?"</p><p>Minsoo nods, and Jaewon shrinks a bit under the force of his stare. "Wyld-ah. Wy-Wy-yah. I need your help."</p><p>"What do you need?"</p><p>"I need you to help me find out whether or not Dongho-hyung and Daehyun-ah are dating."</p><p>Jaewon chokes on his coffee.</p><p>"I mean," Minsoo continues, oblivious to Jaewon's mounting panic, "they never mentioned anything, but they <em>act </em>like it. Did you see the way Dongho-hyung looked at Daehyun-ah? There has to be <em>something </em>going on."</p><p>"I-"</p><p>"I can't believe he wouldn't tell me," Minsoo continues, and Jaewon tries to take another, more calm sip of his coffee. "I mean, we're best friends! Why wouldn't he tell me?"</p><p>"Maybe he's nervous?" Jaewon suggests, then promptly banishes the thought.</p><p>Dongho? Nervous? No way. </p><p>"Maybe," Minsoo muses, and Jaewon chokes on his coffee for the second time. "You okay?"</p><p>"Fine," Jaewon wheezes, though he's really anything but. "Why- why do you think he's nervous?"</p><p>"I don't know," Minsoo frowns, gaze dropping to his hands. "Call it a gut feeling."</p><p>Ah.</p><p>"...I'll help you, hyung."</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>Jaewon flinches as Minsoo tackles him in a hug, the silver-haired man squeezing him so tightly that he's sure he's going to pass out. "Ah- hyung-"</p><p>"Thank you!" Minsoo enthuses, and Jaewon's protests die on his tongue. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"</p><p>"...you're welcome," Jaewon finally replies, and Minsoo grins.</p>
<hr/><p>"So," Minsoo states, apropos of nothing, "are you two dating?"</p><p>Dongho chokes on his water.</p><p>"What?" Daehyun squeaks, leaning over to pat Dongho's back. "Why do you think we're dating?"</p><p>"You two just have that <em>vibe</em>, y'know?" Minsoo asks, and Daehyun blinks at him.</p><p>"We <em>what</em>?"</p><p>"You give off <em>boyfriend energy</em>," the leader grins, and Daehyun's sure Minsoo's going to murder him at this rate. "Y'know? That energy that comes from two people being totally in sync?"</p><p>"You've had one boyfriend," Dongho mutters, quiet enough that Daehyun knows it's only meant for his ears. "What the <em>fuck </em>are you on about?"</p><p>Oh, man, they are <em>not </em>going to talk about that.</p><p>Suffice to say, mistakes were made.</p><p>"So," Minsoo declares, pointing a finger at them, "are you two dating?"</p><p>Daehyun hesitates for an instant, but Dongho replies immediately.</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Would you tell me if you were?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Wha- <em>then why should I listen to you</em>?"</p><p>"Because I'm your hyung," Dongho simply replies, and Minsoo scowls.</p><p>"You never act like it!"</p><p>"Because you're <em>ten</em>."</p><p>If Daehyun closes his eyes, he can almost imagine he's at home.</p><p>"Wha- I'm <em>twenty-seven!"</em></p><p>And <em>there </em>goes his delusion.</p><p>"Yah," Dongho snaps, "are we going to practice or not?"</p><p>"You're <em>embarrassed</em>," Daehyun sing-songs, and Dongho shoots him a long-suffering look.</p><p>"You are the only member of this band I like."</p><p>"Wha-" Minsoo squawks, throwing out his arms as if to accentuate something. "In front of my salad?"</p><p>Daehyun's gaze drifts around the room, eventually landing on Jaewon. The redhead's curled up against the mirrors, arms wrapped around his legs and gaze pinned on his feet, and he nudges Dongho's side, gesturing vaguely in Jaewon's general direction.</p><p>"...Jaewon-ah is fine too," Dongho decides, and Minsoo squawks once more.</p><p>"Wha- but he's <em>him</em>!"</p><p>"And you're you," Dongho simply replies, as if that explains everything.</p><p>"But-"</p><p>"When you're as old as he is," Daehyun teases, delighting in the way Dongho's eyebrow twitches, "you get a different perspective-"</p><p>"I am <em>not old</em>!"</p><p>"Old man," Daehyun teases, scrambling out of Dongho's reach. "Old man- didn't you find a gray hair the other day?"</p><p>"I <em>swear to god</em>, Daehyun-"</p><p>"Jaewon-ah!" Daehyun shrieks, diving into Jaewon's lap and clinging to him like a koala. "Save me!"</p><p>"Ah-"</p><p>Jaewon stares up at Dongho, then down at Daehyun.</p><p>Then back up at Dongho.</p><p>"Help?"</p><p>Dongho bends down and pulls Daehyun out of Jaewon's arms, tossing the blond over his shoulder and heading for the door. "I'll be right back," he states, and neither Jaewon nor Minsoo have the presence of mind to argue with him.</p><p>The door clicks shut, and Minsoo slowly turns to him, eyes wide.</p><p>"They're totally dating."</p>
<hr/><p>"'Old man', huh?"</p><p>"It's not my fault that it's true," Daehyun mutters, and Dongho flicks his forehead. "<em>Ow</em>!"</p><p>"I'm only four years older than you, brat."</p><p>"Yeah, but that's a <em>big </em>four years."</p><p>"<em>Yah</em>."</p><p>"Hey," Daehyun shrugs, fiddling with his nails, "at least you'll be a hot old guy."</p><p>"What does <em>that </em>mean?"</p><p>"Like a silver fox," Daehyun replies, and Dongho quirks a brow.</p><p>"Silver fox."</p><p>"Yeah! Like, forty but you look like twenty."</p><p>Dongho's brow ticks higher, and Daehyun sighs, hopping up on the sink. </p><p>"You're, like, a solid nine, hyung-ah."</p><p>"A nine?"</p><p>"Well, I have to take a point off 'cause you're old."</p><p>"You don't mind," Dongho states, and Daehyun shrugs.</p><p>"How do you know? I could be attracted only to people under the age of thirty."</p><p>"That-"</p><p>"<em>I know how that sounds!</em>"</p><p>Dongho snorts, and Daehyun pouts, folding his arms over his chest. "You know what I mean."</p><p>"It's a good thing I'm twenty-eight, then."</p><p>Daehyun chokes on air.</p><p>Dongho either doesn't notice his suffering or ignores it. He hops up on the other side of the sink, leaning back on his hands and staring up into the fluorescent lighting, and Daehyun stares, mouth going dry. </p><p>
  <em>Gorgeous.</em>
</p><p>"What are you looking at?"</p><p>"You," Daehyun automatically replies, and Dongho quirks a brow.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"You're the silver fox," Daehyun teases, and Dongho rolls his eyes. "Of course I'm gonna look."</p><p>"Sure. Wanna listen to a song before we head back to practice?"</p><p>"Can it be a long one?"</p><p>"Don't wanna see the drill sergeant?" Dongho teases, and Daehyun nods.</p><p>"He's <em>scary</em>."</p><p>"He's also a baby."</p><p>"True," Daehyun snorts, and Dongho grins, loose and calm.</p><p>"Our Minsoo would squish his cheeks, y'know."</p><p>Daehyun does know.</p><p>He knows <em>very well</em>, in fact.</p><p>(his cheeks still ache from the ghost of Minsoo's touch.)</p><p>Dongho offers him an earbud, and Daehyun grins, taking it and sliding it in his ear. The familiar electro-bass fills his ears, and he grins, leaning over to rest his head on Dongho's shoulder.</p><p>"Can we stay here for a minute?"</p><p>"Five minutes," Dongho relents, and Daehyun sighs, eyes drifting shut as he curls into Dongho's side. </p><p>He'll be able to wheedle ten minutes out of him, he knows. </p><p>Dongho's a sap like that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>LOOK AT ME!! BEING PRODUCTIVE!!!!</p><p>look at them!!! figuring it out!!!!!</p><p>everyone's doing great!!!</p><p>let's see how long that lasts</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. regarding nightmares and clothes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Are you nervous?"</p><p>They're sitting in Dongho's studio, the elder at his desk and the younger in the corner, idly strumming his guitar. Occasionally, they'll lob a lyric or a beat at each other, and Dongho will write it down in his idea notebook, but for the most part, they're working on their own things.</p><p>It's nice.</p><p>It's nice, working with Dongho. </p><p>Even if it's more like tangentially related work, it's still nice.</p><p>Daehyun pulls out a sheet of paper and waits for Dongho to put his headphones back on before he strums, brows scrunching together as he tries to find the opening chord.</p><p>It would be nice to figure out an acoustic version of the song Dongho loves, right?</p><p>(<strike>and maybe he could find out if Dongho likes him singing it.</strike>)</p><p>No. Stop. Bad. Dongho invited him to his studio as <em>friends</em>. No homo, but actually no homo.</p><p>He tries out a few things before finding the correct chord, and he leans in to pencil it in, tongue peeking through his lips.</p><p>If he looked, he'd see Dongho's not actually working on anything, and is instead looking at him out of the corner of his eye, a gentle smile on his lips and pencil perched between his fingers.</p><p>If he looked even closer, he'd see a phrase on the page - lyrics scrawled in slanted handwriting with small notes in the margins.</p><p>
  <em>"<strike>About Dae</strike> For Dae."</em>
</p><p>Daehyun's lips purse into a tiny frown, and he scribbles the notes on the paper, brows scrunching together. </p><p>God, Dongho's in love.</p><p>He turns back to his computer, pulling his lower lip between his teeth as his pencil skitters over the paper and the sounds of Daehyun's guitar floats through the air. </p><p>It's nice.</p><p>(he hopes this never changes.)</p>
<hr/><p>Some nights, Daehyun doesn't sleep.</p><p>Those are the nights where the nightmares keep him awake, the nights where his dreams are haunted by crazed eyes and messy hair and the bright glint of metal caked with blood. Those are the nights where he wakes up screaming, tears streaming down his cheeks and eyes open but unseeing.</p><p>Those are the nights where Dongho will jolt awake, cradling Daehyun in his arms until he falls asleep. Those are the nights where he'll hold Daehyun tight, whispering gentle promises as Daehyun sobs into his chest, and they'll fall asleep like that, curled tighter than before.</p><p>Of course, there are nights where Daehyun doesn't sleep for different reasons.</p><p>Those are the nights when Dongho's the one who has nightmares.</p><p>Those are the nights where Daehyun will wake up at two or three in the morning and head for the kitchen, the nights where he'll see Dongho sitting at the counter, eyes clouded and hands wrapped around a mug of cocoa. Those are the nights where he'll sit there, tinny music filling the space between them, and pretend he doesn't notice the silent tears dripping off his friend's jaw.</p><p>It's hard, sometimes - resisting the urge to kiss Dongho's tears away - but that's not what his friend needs right now. </p><p>(it might be. he isn't sure.)</p><p>But these nights - as dismal and uncomfortable as they are - are lovely in the strangest ways.</p><p>Maybe it's because of the way Dongho rubs small circles into his back right after he's just woken up and can still feel the knife in his gut, the way Dongho tethers him to the here and now (here and then) with his gentle touch. Maybe it's because of the way Dongho looks as familiar music fills the air, some of the haze clearing from his eyes as Daehyun sings along to the melody.</p><p>Maybe it's because in those early hours, Daehyun can delude himself into thinking Dongho loves him.</p><p>And <em>god</em>, it shouldn't be as easy as it is. It shouldn't be easy to think that Dongho's lingering touches and fleeting glances are anything more than concern, anything more than <em>friendship</em>, and <em>oh</em>, it aches that Daehyun's caught in this limbo between <em>like </em>and <em>love</em>, aches that he can't tell what Dongho means, how he feels, can't tell <em>anything</em> beyond the fact that Dongho cares.</p><p>And that - for all the sentiments it carries - means very little, in the end.</p><p>Still, he presses himself into Dongho's chest and tries to regulate his breathing, because even if Dongho doesn't love him, he still makes Daehyun feel <em>safe</em>, and that's something worth drowning for.</p>
<hr/><p>"You okay?"</p><p>Dongho stares at Daehyun - at the deep bags under his eyes, at the way his glasses sit crooked on his nose, at the general <em>haze </em>in his eyes - and he leans over to poke his dongsaeng's shoulder, concern coiling in his gut. "Dae?"</p><p>Daehyun blinks at him, and for a moment, Dongho's reminded of Paris - of Daehyun's breath, hot on his ear, of Minsoo's giggles and the bright sparkling city laid out before them - but it dissipates in an instant.</p><p>There's never going to be a Paris.</p><p>Not if Dongho has anything to say about it.</p><p>And that's the truth, isn't it? They're killing their best friend to save a stranger, but-</p><p>but Minsoo dies no matter what they do.</p><p>Daehyun blinks at him, popping a fry into his mouth and giving him a weak little grin. "I'm fine."</p><p>He hasn't slept enough, Dongho notes - nightmares returning in full. It's not as if this is the first time - every year around Jaewon's death, it's a given that at least one night, Daehyun will stumble into his room, tears streaking down his cheeks and face flushed.</p><p>...Daehyun always cared the most about Jaewon, Dongho recalls. He was the one that stood next to Jaewon's mother at the funeral, was the one who brought him up in interviews, was the one who <em>never let him go</em>.</p><p>In a way, it paid off.</p><p>"Are <em>you </em>okay?"</p><p>Dongho frowns, gaze sliding past Daehyun and to the bathroom. "I'm good. Why?"</p><p>"You looked like..."</p><p>Daehyun makes a weird sort of flailing motion with his hands, and Dongho snorts, hiding his mouth behind his arm. "See? You agree!"</p><p>"I don't agree," Dongho mutters, and Daehyun groans, head falling onto the table.</p><p>"Dongho-<em>hyung</em>!"</p><p>"I don't even know what that <em>means</em>."</p><p>"You <em>do</em>," Daehyun whines, and Dongho bites his lower lip to avoid answering. "See? See? You totally know!"</p><p>"...let's just go get your clothes."</p><p>"You <em>know</em>," Daehyun insists, grabbing Dongho's hand as they head out the door. "You totally know!"</p><p>"...fine. I know."</p><p>"Yay!"</p><p>Unbeknownst to them, a certain pair was hiding across the restaurant, watching their every move.</p>
<hr/><p>"Why are we following them, hyung?"</p><p>Minsoo lowers his binoculars, scribbling a few notes on his notepad before picking it up. "Because they're acting <em>weird</em>, Wyld-ah."</p><p>"...but they seem happier?"</p><p>"Weird," Minsoo affirms, watching the pair head into a clothing store. "What are they doing now?"</p><p>"I-"</p><p>"We're going in after them!"</p><p>Jaewon stumbles after Minsoo as the leader hauls him into a clothing store, his jaw set mulishly and gaze flitting over the racks. </p><p>Truth be told, Jaewon's not entirely sure how to handle this situation. Minsoo's here, dragging him into a clothing store, and they're following Daehyun and Dongho, who apparently(?) are acting strange, and he's with <em>Minsoo</em>.</p><p>Wild.</p><p>Well, not <em>wild</em>, but-</p><p>agh.</p><p>"Ssh!" Minsoo hisses, and Jaewon nearly shrieks as the elder yanks him behind a rack of clothes.</p><p>"Wha-"</p><p>"Look over there!"</p><p>Jaewon follows Minsoo's gaze, and his eyes land on Dongho and Daehyun, the former holding what looks to be a sweatshirt, and the latter with some sort of... shimmery top?</p><p>What?</p><p>"What's going on?" Jaewon whispers, and Minsoo slaps a hand over his mouth. "Mph-"</p><p>Minsoo points at them once more, and Jaewon blinks at the sight that greets him.</p><p>Dongho's <em>wearing the hoodie</em>.</p><p>...maybe the pod person thing has some merit.</p>
<hr/><p>"I like it!" Daehyun grins, and Dongho stares at him, unimpressed.</p><p>"I still don't see why <em>you're </em>the one picking it."</p><p>"Because I'm the one who's gonna steal it!"</p><p>Dongho sighs, glaring down at the sleeves covering his hands. "It's way too big, Dae."</p><p>"Exactly! It'll fit me perfectly!"</p><p>Dongho waves his hands a bit, letting the sleeves flop around, and Daehyun stares at him for a moment, something indecipherable but distinctly <em>fond </em>in his eyes.</p><p>"What's up?"</p><p>"Ah-" Daehyun grins, reaching up to hide his smile behind his hand. "Nothing!"</p><p>"...sure."</p><p>Daehyun stuffs his hands in his pockets, casting his gaze towards the ceiling. "Hey, do you think they sell denim jackets here?"</p><p>"<em>Dae</em>."</p><p>"That jacket," Daehyun huffs, "was <em>beautiful</em>."</p><p>"No."</p><p>"It had <em>character</em>."</p><p>"The <em>fuck </em>it did."</p><p>"You loved that jacket!"</p><p>Dongho huffs - mostly to avoid the truth.</p><p>Okay, maybe he <em>did </em>like the jacket.</p><p>It was denim, with patches sewn on the sides and a myriad of useful things in the pockets. Minsoo used to call it the "jacket of infinite possibility", Dongho remembers, and he's pretty sure Daehyun got it somewhere in Europe.</p><p>Probably.</p><p>Most likely.</p><p>God, Dongho didn't think he could be nostalgic for a <em>jacket</em>, and yet here he fucking is.</p><p>"We'll get it again," Dongho vows, and Daehyun grins at him, dark eyes shining with excitement. "Maybe get some new patches, even."</p><p>"Yeah!" Daehyun beams, bouncing on the balls of his feet, and Dongho sighs, staring down at his too-long sleeves.</p><p>"...I'll get the hoodie."</p><p>"Aww, hyung," Daehyun beams, leaning over to wrap his arms around Dongho's waist. "You do care!"</p><p>"Why wouldn't I?" Dongho replies, and Daehyun mashes his face into Dongho's shoulder, mumbling something the elder can't quite catch. "What?"</p><p>"Nothing!" Daehyun squeaks, and Dongho arches a brow, but doesn't comment.</p>
<hr/><p>Once they return to Dongho's apartment, Daehyun heads straight for the kitchen while Dongho heads for the bathroom.</p><p>It's nice, Daehyun thinks - living with Dongho. It's always <em>been </em>nice, back in the dorms, but it's different here - more intimate.</p><p>(he thinks about Paris for a moment - thinks about the smell of cologne between the sheets, thinks about the way Dongho looked in the light of the moon - and he decides that this isn't so different.)</p><p>By the time dinner's about halfway ready, Dongho knocks on the wall, and Daehyun's heart nearly explodes at the sight of the new hoodie hanging off him.</p><p>Sure - it's not <em>exactly </em>the same as the other one. That one was a bit more worn, a bit softer, and that one hung off Daehyun's shoulder and drowned his face in the hood - but this one is still pretty nice.</p><p>It's nice on Dongho.</p><p>(everything is nice on Dongho, though.)</p><p>Daehyun yanks himself out of his (very gay) train of thought and turns his attention back to the stove, grip tight on the spoon. "Dinner's gonna be ready in about ten minutes!"</p><p>He freezes as arms wrap around his waist.</p><p>Dongho presses his face into Daehyun's neck for an instant before letting go, and Daehyun can <em>smell the strawberry shampoo</em>, goddammit, and his heart is doing all sorts of loop-de-loops, and <em>fuck</em>, this should be illegal.</p><p>Unfair.</p><p>Who okayed this?</p><p>"What are we having?" Dongho asks - as if he hasn't given Daehyun a miniature heart attack - and it takes the blond a moment to process what he's saying due to the overwhelming sensation of <em>strawberry shampoo</em>.</p><p>"Uh. Soup."</p><p>"Okay," Dongho simply replies, and Daehyun sags in relief as the elder leaves the kitchen, reaching up to press a hand to his racing heart as the sound of the t.v. filters through the air.</p><p>Dongho is just. He's so <em>Dongho</em>.</p><p>His gaze flits to the door, and he shrieks, the spoon flying out of his hands as he trips on the carpet and crashes to the floor.</p><p>There's someone at the door.</p><p>
  <em>Soyeon is at the door.</em>
</p><p>"Dae!" Dongho exclaims, and Daehyun reaches up to rub his forehead, a pained groan escaping his lips. "Are you hurt?"</p><p>Dongho's in front of him, Daehyun realizes. </p><p>Dongho's in front of him and holding his hands away from his face, their noses inches apart and his brow creased with worry.</p><p>Oh, fuck.</p><p>"I thought I saw someone outside the door," Daehyun breathes, and Dongho frowns, eyes narrowing to thin slits.</p><p>"You what?"</p><p>"I got startled."</p><p>"Who was it?"</p><p>Daehyun holds his tongue.</p><p>It likely wasn't Soyeon, he knows - almost <em>certainly </em>wasn't Soyeon, in fact.</p><p>That doesn't help him not panic.</p><p>"I thought it was Soyeon."</p><p>Dongho's expression shutters, and Daehyun waves his hands frantically, hoping to dissuade the elder from his train of thought. "It was a quick glance, though! And it probably wasn't even her!"</p><p>Dongho frowns, a silent war waging in his eyes, and Daehyun reaches up to rub the back of his neck. "...it's fine, hyung."</p><p>Dongho doesn't comment further, but he does stay by Daehyun's side for the rest of the night.</p><p>And god, he's grateful.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>chapter song: rolling girl, jubyphonic cover</p><p>updates for regarding will now be on fridays!!!</p><p>please leave comments... they fuel me...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. regarding parties and restaurants</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Having a comeback like this feels-</p><p>it feels <em>wrong</em>.</p><p>It feels <em>wrong </em>to stand onstage without Minsoo between them, feels <em>wrong </em>to look in the mirror and see blond hair instead of black, feels <em>wrong</em> to reach out and not have someone always be there.</p><p>Perhaps Daehyun is a bit spoiled.</p><p>Still, he craves that - the feeling of <em>familyhomesafety</em> that being near Dongho and Minsoo has always brought - and though he has one out of two, it isn't the same.</p><p>(it's never going to be the same. Minsoo- without him, it can never be the same.)</p><p>But there's something <em>odd </em>about it as well. Buildings' layouts have changed, different groups are sitting in the audience, he's the one greeting people as "sunbaenim" instead of the other way around-</p><p>Dongho exhales next to him, gaze drifting to one of the groups in the audience. "Do you think...?"</p><p>And <em>no</em>, Daehyun thinks, following his line of sight, <em>this would be before that</em>.</p><p>God, how long has it been since he's spoken to Minyoung?</p><p>"Are you gonna talk to them?" Dongho huffs, nudging him forwards. "I know you like Minyoung."</p><p>"Used to," Daehyun laughs, stepping back to his side. "We're-"</p><p>The word dies on his tongue.</p><p>Can they really be friends if they haven't spoken in years?</p><p>"Go talk to Jaewon-ah, then," Dongho advises, and Daehyun winks at him, rocking back on his heels and lacing his hands behind his back.</p><p>"Can do, hyung-ie!"</p><p>Dongho rolls his eyes, one hand coming up to fidget with his hair, and Daehyun's struck with the sudden memory of his fingerless gloves from one of their last showcases before-</p><p>well.</p><p>Before this.</p><p>He ducks away from the elder before his train of thought veers in a different direction, trying to ignore the emotion that looks painfully like hurt in Dongho's eyes.</p>
<hr/><p><em>The funny thing is</em>, Dongho muses, <em>he and Daehyun have never really interacted at after-parties</em>.</p><p>Sure, they start and end the night together, but rare is the time where Dongho will actually see Daehyun - as enveloped in different social circles as they are.</p><p>Unfortunately, that's coming to bite him in the ass.</p><p>See, the Dongho of 2020- he has no friends.</p><p>And while the Dongho of 2023 doesn't have a <em>lot </em>of friends, he has <em>some</em>, so he's never really had to go through the awkwardness of attending a party alone.</p><p>"...hyung?"</p><p>Dongho blinks, turning to stare at a familiar redhead.</p><p>Ah.</p><p>Jaewon.</p><p>He doesn't have friends either, from the looks of it.</p><p>"Nobody to talk to?" he guesses, and Jaewon ducks his head, shame flickering in his eyes.</p><p>"...yeah."</p><p>"That's fine."</p><p>Most people worth talking to aren't worth talking to yet, anyways.</p><p>They stand in amicable silence for a few minutes, Dongho idly sipping his champagne while Jaewon stares at his hands, and it's Jaewon that finally breaks the silence, trembling voice barely managing to clear the chaos in the room. </p><p>"...I don't like parties."</p><p>"I don't, either," Dongho mutters, taking another sip from his glass. "I'd say you should get drunk, but."</p><p>He leaves it there, already wincing at the memory.</p><p>Nobody needs to see <em>quite that much </em>of Minsoo <em>ever</em>.</p><p>"But?" Jaewon prompts, and Dongho blinks, jolting himself back to the present.</p><p>Right. Jaewon doesn't know.</p><p>(Jaewon was dead, actually.)</p><p>"...wanna hear a story, Jaewon-ah?"</p><p>Jaewon blinks at him, thoroughly bewildered, and Dongho takes another sip from his glass. "You have to say yes or no, you know."</p><p>"Uh- sure?"</p><p>"So," Dongho starts, relaxing into the wall, "a couple years ago, I went to a party a lot like this one."</p><p>It <em>was </em>this one, next year, but. Well.</p><p>Semantics.</p><p>"I went with my friend, Min- Minho. It was really boring, and neither of us really talked to anyone, but about halfway through the party, he came up to me with about four glasses of champagne, and just asked me 'do you dare me to drink all of these'."</p><p>Jaewon chokes on air, and Dongho gives him a wry grin, turning his gaze back to the ceiling.</p><p>"I did, and so he drank them, and then he had about four more, and that's how approximately three hundred people got a strip show nobody needed to see."</p><p>Jaewon chokes on air, and Dongho watches, grin growing, as he doubles over, shoulders shaking with silent laughter. "Wh-"</p><p>"I had to carry him out," Dongho continues, "and the entire time, he just kept screaming about fish."</p><p>"Are you telling the story again?"</p><p>Jaewon shrieks as Daehyun wraps an arm over Dongho's shoulders, lips curling into a bright grin. "I love that story! Did you tell the-"</p><p>"No," Dongho cuts in, and Daehyun sighs.</p><p>"Tragic."</p><p>He leans over to grab Jaewon's hand, eyes sparkling with delight. "Wanna come see a secret?"</p>
<hr/><p>Dongho pulls his hood over his head as they step outside, the cool fall wind cutting through his jacket and nearly causing him to shiver. As it is, Jaewon's trembling like a leaf, and Daehyun rubs his arms, lips curling into a bright grin.</p><p>"Ah- it's so cold!"</p><p>"Why are you happy about that?" Dongho questions, and Daehyun shrugs, interlocking his arm with Jaewon's. </p><p>"It reminds me of winter! You love winter, don't you, hyung?"</p><p>Dongho does, in fact, love winter.</p><p>"Where are we going?" Jaewon asks, and Daehyun grins, pulling him forwards.</p><p>"C'mon!"</p><p>Dongho jogs alongside them as Daehyun pulls Jaewon through streets and over bridges, time slipping by in favor of running through the bright streets. At some point, Daehyun stops to order some street food - <em>"I'll be Minho! In honor of your story!"</em> - and they chew on their fish pastries as Daehyun leads them deeper and deeper into the city.</p><p>Finally, they arrive at the hole-in-the-wall diner, and Daehyun beams, rocking back on his heels as he gestures at the sign. "Here we are!"</p><p>Jaewon blinks at the sign, lips slightly parted, and Dongho nudges him with his shoulder, gesturing for him to head inside. "C'mon."</p><p>The store is small and warm, tables strewn about and a kitchen visible at the back. There seem to only be two people working at the moment - a boy with bubblegum hair and one with darker hair - and Dongho grins despite himself, glad to see that this much, at least, hasn't changed over the years.</p><p>"Oh!" the dark-haired boy exclaims, nearly dropping his tray in excitement. "Customers! Ah- it's nice to meet you! My name is Lee Sungmin! Welcome to <em>Sunrise Skewers</em>!"</p><p>"We serve more than skewers!" the bubblegum-haired boy calls, and Sungmin laughs, rubbing the back of his neck.</p><p>"Ah... we do. How many tonight?"</p><p>"Table for three," Daehyun beams, and Sungmin matches his smile, grabbing three menus and leading them to a table. "Ah-"</p><p>"So," the bubblegum-haired boy huffs, leaning in to stare <em>very intensely </em>at Dongho. "You're dating blondie."</p><p>"<em>What</em>?" Dongho and Daehyun exclaim in tandem, and the boy dips his head. </p><p>"Knew it. And redhead- you have a <em>crush </em>on someone, don't you?"</p><p>You'd think that after three years of knowing Kim Jiho, Dongho would be immune to his general insanity. </p><p>That is not the case. </p><p>"Ji-Ji," Sungmin tries, and Jiho rolls his eyes.</p><p>"<em>Fine</em>. I'm Kim Jiho, and Sungminnie is my boyfriend, and <em>have you ever tried a skirt</em>-"</p><p>"Yes," Dongho simply replies, and Jiho makes a sort of unearthly shrieking sound as Sungmin passes out the menus.</p><p>"Minnie, Minnie, he <em>wears skirts</em>-"</p><p>"You do?" Jaewon asks, and Dongho shrugs.</p><p>"I've tried them."</p><p>"It was glorious," the blond breathes, and Jiho lets out a cry of triumph.</p><p>Dongho's eyes widen as Daehyun leans into his side, head resting on his shoulder and arm winding around his waist, and he turns his attention back to Sungmin, one hand coming up to toy with Daehyun's hair.</p><p>"See?" Jiho shrieks, pointing at them. "Dating!"</p><p>Dongho needs a goddamn drink. </p>
<hr/><p>Oh, boy.</p><p>Daehyun didn't think that tonight was going to be a night that he'd have to make sure Dongho didn't get drunk off his ass, and yet here he is anyways.</p><p>Jaewon leans into Daehyun's side, occasional giggles escaping his lips and eyes scrunched up in a grin. And Dongho-</p><p>Dongho's draped over his back, chin hooked over his shoulder and arms wrapped around his waist.</p><p>Daehyun should not be as endeared as he is.</p><p>"Dae," Dongho whines, and Daehyun shivers as the elder's breath passes by his ear. "Dae, Dae, y'know what?"</p><p>"What?" Daehyun weakly replies, and Dongho giggles - giggles! - leaning forwards to press a quick kiss to Daehyun's cheek.</p><p>"You're pretty."</p><p>Daehyun sighs, fishing his phone out of his pocket and firing a text off to Minsoo. "You're drunk, hyung."</p><p>"Doesn't mean 's not true."</p><p>Dongho presses his nose into Daehyun's hair, his grip tightening on the blond's waist. "You're really pretty."</p><p><em>Oh</em>, it hurts to hear this.</p><p>"You're drunk, hyung," Daehyun mumbles, trying not to feel <em>too</em> upset at the fact that Dongho doesn't mean what he's saying. </p><p>"'m not <em>that </em>drunk."</p><p>Dongho sounds <em>so offended </em>that Daehyun nearly bursts into laughter, but as it is, he's already dealing with too much tonight, so he just wearily nods.</p><p>"You don't agree?"</p><p>Dongho sounds oddly sober in that instant, and Daehyun <em>does </em>laugh, then, harsh and a bit despairing. "I'm nothing compared to you, hyung. Have you seen yourself?"</p><p>"...you're pretty," Dongho repeats, and <em>ah</em>, there's the drunken slur once more. "Really..."</p><p>Daehyun's gaze flits towards the sky - they're close-ish to their apartment, but Jaewon really should be in his own bed - so he's somewhat relieved when Minsoo pulls up in-</p><p>"Is that a minivan?"</p><p>"It's my mom's," Minsoo grouses, gaze flitting to the stumbling Jaewon by Daehyun's side. "What happened?"</p><p>"Lots of beer," Daehyun simply replies, nudging Jaewon towards the car.</p><p>"Wait, is Dongho-hyung drunk?"</p><p>"I," Dongho states, raising his head with an expression <em>so serious</em> that he wouldn't be out of place in a courtroom, "am <em>not drunk</em>, your honor."</p><p>"You're drunk," Daehyun refutes, and Dongho's head droops, nose burying itself in Daehyun's hair. "You're drunk, hyung, go home."</p><p>"I am home," Dongho mumbles, and Daehyun shoots Minsoo a pleading look.</p><p>"Have fun!" Minsoo enthuses, pulling Jaewon into the passenger's seat. "Send me the video!"</p><p>And with that, he's gone, leaving Daehyun to the monumental task of dragging Dongho home.</p><p>Oh, boy.</p>
<hr/><p>Once they make it home, Daehyun has to pull off Dongho's shoes since the eldest has abandoned <em>all </em>pretenses of effort and is just... lying on the floor.</p><p>"Hyung," Daehyun weakly tries, and Dongho rolls over, blinking wearily at him. "C'mon, hyung, let's go to bed."</p><p>"I will go to bed," Dongho bargains, reaching up to point at him, "for a kiss."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>
  <em>What?</em>
</p><p>"Like that night," Dongho states, then giggles. "I liked that night, y'know? The stars were- they were pretty but not... not as pretty as you."</p><p>"Hyung, I'm not-"</p><p>Does Dongho not see the issue here?</p><p>"Hyung, I'm not gonna kiss you."</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"You're <em>drunk</em>," Daehyun repeats, and Dongho pouts. </p><p>"So can I kiss you if I'm sober?"</p><p>For a moment, Daehyun debates whether or not he should answer with the truth.</p><p>"Sure," he finally replies, bending down to wrap his arms around Dongho's shoulders. "But we gotta sleep tonight, 'kay?"</p><p>"I'll hold'ja to that," Dongho grins, dark eyes sparkling with mischief. "Gonna... gonna hold you to that."</p><p>"Sure," Daehyun sighs, resigning himself to the bitter truth of his life.</p><p>Dongho doesn't love him. He's just drunk.</p><p>Dongho is <em>just drunk</em>.</p><p>This doesn't mean anything.</p><p>"Love you," Dongho mumbles, and Daehyun feels his heart splinter anew.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <strong>BREAKING: MAYHEM's WYLD, D.Min &amp; Daehyun Seen Leaving MMA After-Party Early...</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Her hand trembles with ill-contained fury, and she scrolls down, gaze landing on the photo below.</p><p>It's Wyld - <em>her Wyld</em> - arm in arm with Daehyun with D.Min jogging by their side. </p><p><em>Her Wyld touching Daehyun like he's her</em>.</p><p>How <em>dare he</em>.</p><p>She stares at the posters on her walls, fury bubbling in her gut, and she picks up a marker, uncapping it with trembling hands.</p><p>A slash here, a slash there, and then their faces are scribbled out, black marker covering their images in her posters.</p><p>...that's what she has to do.</p><p>She has to make them pay for daring to touch her beloved.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>comments fuel me......... just sayin............</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. regarding memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As soon as Dongho opens his eyes, he regrets it.</p><p>Oh, <em>no</em>.</p><p>"Good morning!" Daehyun sing-songs, and Dongho groans, mashing his face into the pillows. "How're you feeling?"</p><p>"Like I just got hit with a semitruck," Dongho mutters, and Daehyun takes a seat on the edge of the bed, reaching over to pat his back. "What <em>happened </em>last night?"</p><p>"You laughed a lot," Daehyun replies, and Dongho groans once more. "Wh- that's not that bad!"</p><p>"How drunk was Jaewon-ah?"</p><p>"He was laughing at the streetlights."</p><p>"So very."</p><p>"Yep."</p><p>Dongho finally pokes his head out of the pillow, and <em>how the fuck is it fair</em> that he looks hot even with messy hair and dark circles under his eyes? Daehyun would really like to know, thanks. "Did you make breakfast?"</p><p>"I figured you might want some food," Daehyun replies, and Dongho nods, rolling upright and raking a hand through his hair.</p><p>"Thanks, Dae."</p><p>Daehyun gives him a weak smile, and Dongho frowns, unsure of what to say. "Is everything okay?"</p><p>"Fine!" Daehyun laughs, and Dongho's frown deepens as he stares down at the plate. "Why wouldn't things be fine? Everything's fine!"</p><p>"That doesn't inspire confidence," Dongho points out, and Daehyun laughs once more, reaching up to rub the back of his neck.</p><p>"Well, it's true, so you don't need to worry!"</p><p>Dongho clearly isn't convinced in the slightest.</p><p>"What aren't you telling me, Dae?"</p><p>Daehyun freezes for an instant - just an instant - and Dongho leans forwards, elbows resting on his knees.</p><p>"What happened?"</p><p>"You said-"</p><p>Daehyun cuts himself off, and Dongho arches a brow, silently gesturing for Daehyun to continue.</p><p>"You said you loved me."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh, <em>fuck</em>.</p><p>"And I know you were probably just saying that," Daehyun continues, and Dongho holds his tongue, "but I felt like I should probably tell you this before it ruins our friendship, but- I love you."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>"And I know you probably don't feel the same way, and that's fine, I just felt like you should know-"</p><p>Dongho shuts him up with a kiss.</p><p>Daehyun's eyes widen as Dongho's arm wraps around his waist, and <em>oh</em>, this is real.</p><p>That was real.</p><p>Dongho pulls back after a moment, eyes flickering with something Daehyun can't quite identify and worry evident in the scrunch of his brows. </p><p>Dongho just <em>kissed him</em>.</p><p>Holy <em>fuck</em>.</p><p>"As great as that was," Dongho states, leaning in to press a kiss to his forehead, "I need to shower. I'll be right back."</p><p>"What?" Daehyun intelligently replies, and Dongho grins before stepping out of the room.</p><p>What the fuck?</p><p>What the <em>fuck</em>?</p><hr/><p>When Dongho comes out of the shower, Daehyun's in the kitchen, scrolling through Twitter without really looking at anything. </p><p>What the <em>fuck?</em></p><p>"Hey," Dongho states, and Daehyun turns, gaze landing on the dark-haired man.</p><p>Oh. He's wearing one of Daehyun's hoodies.</p><p>This is fine.</p><p>"Hi?" Daehyun squeaks, and Dongho takes the seat next to him, propping his chin on his hand and staring into his eyes.</p><p>That is a very intimidating stare, honestly.</p><p>"So," Dongho states, "you like me."</p><p>"Um. Yes?"</p><p>"And I like you."</p><p>"You do?"</p><p>"I kissed you," Dongho points out, and Daehyun's hands flail in the air for a moment.</p><p>"Yes, but that could've been a pity kiss! Who knows? You could've just been curious or something, or testing it out, or-"</p><p>"It wasn't a pity kiss," Dongho clarifies, amusement flickering in his eyes.</p><p>"Then what was it?"</p><p>"I already told you."</p><p>Dongho leans in to press a chaste kiss to his lips, and Daehyun stares at him, stunned. "I like you, Dae. I <em>love you</em>."</p><p>"Oh," Daehyun dumbly replies, and the corner of Dongho's mouth ticks up into a half-grin.</p><p>"Was that clear enough?"</p><p>"Yeah. Uh. Yeah."</p><p>Dongho's grin widens a bit, and his gaze drifts to the wall, eyes glazing over a bit. </p><p>He's thinking, then.</p><p>"After the fanmeet today," he starts, and Daehyun nods, "will you go out with me?"</p><p><em>What</em>?</p><p>"Like- go out, go out, or go out?"</p><p>"Will you go on a date with me?" Dongho clarifies, and Daehyun nods so vehemently it's a miracle he doesn't give himself whiplash.</p><hr/><p>Dongho likes fanmeets.</p><p>He <em>swears </em>he does. Really.</p><p>He's just... not particularly excited for today's meet, is all.</p><p>He likes fanmeets normally - likes getting to interact with fans and hear their thoughts on their work - but he's not particularly excited for today, especially not with who he suspects is coming.</p><p>(oh, it would just be <em>such a shame</em> if sohee's little gift wound up in the wrong hands, wouldn't it?)</p><p>With any luck, Daehyun won't have to see her - not if Dongho's plan works.</p><p>(and <em>yes</em>, it is more complex than vaulting over the table and choking her to death. that may have been the <em>original </em>plan, but he would like to approach this with a bit of tact.)</p><p>"So," Minsoo sing-songs, taking a seat next to him, and Dongho quirks a brow before the stylist-noona smacks him with a pencil. "You and Dae, huh?"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I didn't know you two were a thing!"</p><p>"<em>What</em>."</p><p>"Jaewon-ah and I saw you shopping," Minsoo grins, and Dongho stares at him out of the corner of his eye. </p><p>"You and <em>Jaewon</em>, huh?"</p><p>"What does <em>that </em>mean?"</p><p>"Nothing," Dongho hums, tilting his face so the stylist can get a better angle. "You just normally call him Wyld."</p><p>"That doesn't matter," Minsoo huffs, and Dongho smirks. "<em>Shut up</em>!"</p><p>"I didn't say anything."</p><p>"You were saying it with your eyes!"</p><p>Dongho reaches over to flick him, and Minsoo squawks, nearly pouncing on him before a look from the stylist-noona has him retreating.</p><p>"I can't believe you didn't tell me," Minsoo mutters, and for a moment, Dongho feels a pang of guilt. "I thought we were best friends, hyung."</p><p>"We are."</p><p>(<em>we will be.</em>)</p><p>"I'll tell you later, okay?"</p><p>"I'm gonna hold you to that," Minsoo grins, and Dongho inclines his head in silent agreement.</p><p>Of course, then the stylist-noona pinches his cheek, and he resigns himself to another half-hour of being poked and prodded.</p><hr/><p>It's halfway through the fansign when it happens. </p><p>For the most part, it's been pretty tame - though someone does comment on the fact that Daehyun's sitting next to Dongho instead of at the end with Minsoo - and he laughs and waves it off, perching his chin on his hand.</p><p>Nobody needs to know why that's happening.</p><p>A squeeze of his hand alerts him to someone's presence, and he turns, leaning over to stare at the woman standing in front of Jaewon.</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh, <em>god</em>.</p><p>"You're okay," Dongho murmurs, and Daehyun tries to suck in a breath, but it sticks in his throat.</p><p>Sohee.</p><p>Sohee's here.</p><p>Sohee's here and talking to Jaewon and she's right in front of them and she could jump over and kill them at any moment-</p><p>She turns, and their gazes lock for a moment, and <em>oh</em>, those eyes are so cold, so <em>painfully </em>reminiscent of Soyeon's eyes, and it must be a family thing, because he sees <em>no humanity </em>in those eyes. </p><p>And yet, when she looks at Jaewon-</p><p>To call that love is an insult to love. That's <em>obsession</em>.</p><p>"Dae," Dongho warns, and Daehyun grips Dongho's hand so tightly the elder must've lost all feeling.</p><p>Because Jaewon's talking, and he's smiling, and Sohee's smiling, and Daehyun-</p><p>"Dae," Dongho's saying, but Daehyun can't hear him, can't hear anything over the pounding in his ears.</p><p>
  <em>Sohee is here.</em>
</p><p>"She can't hurt you, Dae-"</p><p>He pitches forwards, wrapping his arms around Dongho's arms and burying his face in the elder's collarbone, and Dongho makes a small surprised sound, but wraps his arms around his back nonetheless.</p><p>He's fine.</p><p>She can't hurt him when he's in Dongho's arms.</p><p>"Dae," Dongho murmurs, and Daehyun nods, inhaling the scent of Dongho's cologne. "You with me?"</p><p>"What's going on?"</p><p>That's Jaewon, Daehyun knows - there's <em>something with Jaewon </em>- but he can't remember what it is.</p><p>Thinking is hard right now. Is it supposed to be this hard?</p><p>"Dae."</p><p>Hands on his cheeks.</p><p>Dongho's looking at him, but his hair is black and not blond (is it supposed to be blond?) and he's biting his lower lip, worry evident in his eyes.</p><p>"Dae?"</p><p>He can't-</p><p>Paris. There was- there was Paris, and there-</p><p>It feels like his head is splitting apart. </p><p>"Dae?"</p><p>"Hyung," he gasps, and he's not sure who says it, not sure <em>where </em>it's said, but it feels like he's slipping out of something, memories and emotions and <em>precious somethings </em>slipping through his grasp.</p><p>"Medic!"</p><p>And Dongho's still looking at him, eyes shining with fear, and Daehyun doesn't know why (<strike>SoheeSoyeon</strike>) but there's something <em>loving </em>there.</p><p>It's like-</p><p>like the universe finally figured out something's wrong.</p><p>Ironed out a glitch.</p><p>And Dongho-</p><p>Memories slip through his fingers like water (<em>VeniceAmsterdamLondonNewYorkTokyo</em>) but he clings to that one memory, that one night - clings to it as tightly as he can.</p><p>"You're going to be okay," Dongho's promising, and there's-</p><p>there's so much he has to say.</p><p>He can't-</p><p>he can't forget now.</p><p>The world flickers like a strobe light, and Daehyun reaches up to cup Dongho's cheek, eyes burning with unshed tears.</p><p>"I love you."</p><p>And in that moment, the universe irons itself out.</p><hr/><p>It was meant to be just Daehyun.</p><p>Dongho knows that to be fact.</p><p>He doesn't know <em>why </em>he came as well, only that he did. And he's grateful - obviously, he's grateful that he's not dead - but seeing Daehyun lying in a hospital bed while doctors try to figure out what's wrong with him-</p><p>that's an entirely different kind of pain.</p><p>As far as anyone knows, he's Daehyun's cousin - his only family member to live in Seoul. It's an easy lie, and one he can maintain - he's a skilled liar - but he hates that he can't just say the truth.</p><p>It doesn't matter.</p><p>He runs his thumb over Daehyun's fingers - rough and calloused from hours of guitar practice - and his gaze drifts to his sleeping boyfriend (can they be called that?). </p><p>He should've just decked Sohee then and there, but he <em>thought </em>telling security to keep an eye out would be enough. </p><p>Evidently, it wasn't.</p><p>"You should go home," someone murmurs, and he turns, gaze landing on Minsoo.</p><p>Ah.</p><p>"No."</p><p>"I thought it was worth a try," Minsoo laughs, pulling up a chair and taking a seat next to him. "...what happened?"</p><p>"I don't know," Dongho honestly replies, and Minsoo stares at him for a moment before giving him a crooked sort of grin.</p><p>"...you've changed, hyung."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"A lot," Minsoo clarifies, gaze drifting to Daehyun. "He has, too. You're both... more comfortable in yourselves. More comfortable <em>being </em>yourselves."</p><p>Dongho hums noncommittally, reaching up to brush a lock of hair out of Daehyun's eyes. </p><p>"...you really love him, huh?"</p><p>"Yeah," Dongho murmurs, mind drifting back through years of memories and emotions and love slowly growing. "I do."</p><p>Minsoo hums assent, and they spend a moment in amicable silence, neither one making a move.</p><p>"...what happened between you two?"</p><p>Minsoo stares at the sleeping boy in the bed, lips twitching with a hint of a smile, and Dongho frowns at him, unsure of what to say.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"What changed?" Minsoo clarifies, and Dongho doesn't know how to tell him the truth.</p><p>How do you explain time travel?</p><p>"You don't have to tell me," the leader adds, clearly able to tell Dongho's upset, "but it'd be nice to know."</p><p><em>Oh</em>, and he looks so painfully like his Minsoo in this moment - eyes shining with understanding and a willingness to listen instead of judgement and jokes - and Dongho can see the seeds of who he'll become in the him of now.</p><p>"...do you believe in time travel, Minsoo-yah?"</p><hr/><p>Jesus Christ.</p><p>Minsoo doesn't-</p><p>how the <em>fuck </em>do you process this?</p><p>The bombshell that your best friend and dongsaeng are replaced with their versions from three years in the future, and oh yeah, <em>Jaewon fucking dies, too</em>, and that's why they're here, because the psycho stalker that killed him has a psycho stalker <em>sister</em> that killed <em>them</em>, so they're trying to stop it-</p><p><em>Hnngh</em>.</p><p>He really, really needs a drink.</p><p>But oh, hearing the way Dongho talked about Daehyun-</p><p>they really love each other, huh?</p><p>He's glad. They both deserve someone like... each other? Yeah. That's right.</p><p>(plus, dongho's so smitten it's <em>hilarious</em>. he looks at daehyun like he's hung the moon.)</p><p>"Hyung?"</p><p>"Jaewon-ah?"</p><p>Jaewon's carrying a plastic bag in his arms, and Minsoo leans in to peek at the contents.</p><p>Clothes?</p><p>
  <em>Ah.</em>
</p><p>"I thought Dongho-hyung might want to change," he smiles, and Minsoo grins back at him, heart warming with fondness. </p><p>"I think he'll really appreciate that, Jaewon-ah. Thanks for bringing them."</p><p>"Ah- it was no problem, really."</p><p>...nobody's going to touch Ahn Jaewon.</p><p>Not if he has any say in it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>oops</p><p>and now we get into the angst</p><p>leave comments pls... they fuel me...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. regarding loss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Daehyun opens his eyes, the first thing he's aware of is a pounding in his head.</p><p>The second thing he's aware of is pressure on his hand.</p><p>He blinks a few times, head lolling over so his gaze lands on the person by his bedside, and it's <em>Dongho</em>.</p><p><em>Kang Dongho</em> of all people is dozing by his bedside, hand gripping Daehyun's and dark hair strewn across the sheets. He's been crying - his eyes are red-rimmed and his lower lip's been torn to shreds - and Daehyun knows there should be more, but he <em>can't remember it</em>.</p><p>He wracks his mind, trying to think of anything that could've led to this - was he in an accident? Overworked? They're preparing for a comeback, so it could be the latter - but comes up blank. No accidents, no work, just... <em>nothing</em>.</p><p>And, most worryingly, there's nothing that could lead to <em>Kang Dongho</em>, of all people, being asleep at his bedside. That's just... not how the world works. </p><p>"You're awake!" a nurse exclaims, and Daehyun blinks at her, wanting to nod but also wanting to, well, <em>not die of agony</em>. "I'll go get the doctor!"</p><p>Daehyun's gaze drifts to Dongho - he's <em>still asleep</em>, somehow - and he reaches out to tug the man's hair, lips pursing into a tiny frown as he doesn't stir.</p><p>Man, how out is this guy?</p><p>"Daehyun-ssi," the man states, and Daehyun shrieks, accidentally yanking out a few strands of Dongho's hair.</p><p>Ouch.</p><p>Well, Dongho jolts upright at least, sweaty hair brushing his cheeks and dark circles underscoring his eyes, so at least that's a win?</p><p>"<em>Dae</em>," he breathes, and Daehyun stares at him, completely taken aback. "You're okay- I was so <em>worried</em>-"</p><p>"Um," Daehyun tries, unsure of how to respond. "What... what happened?"</p><p>A myriad of expressions flicker over Dongho's face before he finally settles on careful ambivalence, and Daehyun doesn't like what that means. "What's the last thing you remember?"</p><p>"Preparing for comeback...?" Daehyun tries, and Dongho's expression doesn't change.</p><p>He doesn't like that, somehow. It makes his oldest hyung tough to read.</p><p>"Where's Minsoo-hyung?" he asks, gaze flitting over the room. "And Jaewon-hyung?"</p><p>"I'll call them," Dongho states, rising from his seat and pulling out his phone. He heads out the door without a word, brushing past the doctor as he enters, and the man stares at him for a moment, visibly bewildered.</p><p>"...it's nice to see you, Daehyun-ssi. How are you feeling?"</p><hr/><p>To his credit, Dongho manages to make it home before he breaks down.</p><p>Even calling it a breakdown might be generous, honestly. He just... leans against the wall, puts his head in his hands, and breathes.</p><p>Daehyun doesn't remember him.</p><p>Daehyun doesn't remember him, doesn't remember what happened with Jaewon, doesn't remember the home they carved out or Paris or the tours or Minsoo or their future and past-</p><p>doesn't remember <em>them</em>.</p><p>He sucks in a long, slow breath, gaze pinned on the space between his feet.</p><p>Opening his heart was a mistake.</p><p>This is a lesson he should've learned long ago, he thinks - one he used to know, back before Minsoo and Daehyun tried to hard to make him forget - and one he's paying dearly for now.</p><p>Opening your heart only leads to grief.</p><p>He clicks on his phone, chest aching at the sight of his wallpaper. It's Daehyun, blanket tangled around his legs and Boba curled up to his chest, and he just-</p><p>he doesn't know what to do anymore.</p><p>...</p><p>No. </p><p>That's not true.</p><p>He knows what he has to do. Always has.</p><p>He clicks off his phone, stuffing it into his pocket, and heads for his room, mind fixed on one goal.</p><p>He's going to find Sohee.</p><p>That's what he should've been doing the entire time instead of getting wrapped up in Daehyun. He has a job to do.</p><p>(it'll take his mind off things.)</p><hr/><p>The second Minsoo sees Dongho isn't by Daehyun's side, he knows something's wrong.</p><p>Those two are almost <em>sickeningly </em>in love - much to his eternal chagrin - so for Dongho to be missing, something must be wrong. A relative's death, maybe, or a reappearance of Sohee?</p><p>But when he asks Daehyun where Dongho is and the maknae stares at him with blank and uncomprehending eyes-</p><p>he understands.</p><p>Ah.</p><p><em>Ah</em>.</p><p>He excuses himself with some excuse about having to call his rock - and Daehyun doesn't even bat an eye, as medicated as he is - and steps out into the hall, tapping on Dongho's contact and letting the phone ring.</p><p>
  <em>"Ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... the person you are trying to call is unavailable. Please leave a message after the beep-"</em>
</p><p>He presses the button to hang up and leans against the wall, a long puff of air escaping his lips.</p><p>Dongho... </p><p>Dongho's not the type to do something stupid. He knows that much. But he's worried all the same.</p><p>...that's not a very good way to reassure himself.</p><p>Still - Dongho has his shit together generally, and this shouldn't be any different. Daehyun, on the other hand, does <em>not</em> (and he really <em>does </em>need to check on dongho - he's lost his best friend and boyfriend at the same time) so he'll focus on the fire he can fight for the moment.</p><p>Daehyun's answering questions when he walks back in, brow scrunched and a denim jacket in his lap, and Minsoo watches as he runs his thumb over a patch sewn onto the sleeve, fingers tracing a pattern he doesn't recognize.</p><p>Dongho sews?</p><p>"I'm back," he announces, and Daehyun raises his head, relief shining in his eyes.</p><p>"Ah, hyung - the nurses said Dongho-hyung was working on this. Do you recognize it?"</p><p>Minsoo didn't even know Dongho could <em>sew</em>.</p><p>"No," he replies, offering a hand. "I'll take it to him, though, if you want."</p><p>"Ah..."</p><p>Daehyun trails off, balling the sheets up in his hands. "Can you ask him if he's okay?"</p><p>Minsoo sincerely doubts Dongho would want to hear that.</p><p>"I'll ask him," he lies, and Daehyun smiles, though it's a little weak.</p><p>"Thank you, hyung."</p><hr/><p>
  <em>"Ah... my Jaewonnie..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There's a head lying on his lap.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He twists experimentally in the cuffs, grimacing as they dig into his wrists, and the woman leans back up, pressing him back into the wall.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're so gorgeous..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Cold metal brushes his gut, and he shivers, gaze meeting hers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>God, those eyes are soulless - soulless, dark, and empty.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And you're all mine."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The point of the knife brushes over his gut, up to his neck, around his hips, and he shivers, trying to blink back tears.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"All mine... my precious Jaewonnie..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Sohee-ssi," he breathes, and Sohee beams, a twisted, demented thing. "You should... you should go home. Your parents must be worried."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They won't be worried," Sohee hums, cuddling closer to him. "And besides, I'm taking you home with me~!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wh..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The knife resumes its deadly dance, and he shuts his mouth, heart racing as Sohee presses a kiss to his cheek.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Just you and me, forever and ever... nobody else will ever be able to look at you, Jaewonnie. You'll be all mine."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He can't.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He can't.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He has to get out.</em>
</p><hr/><p>The buzzing of Jaewon's phone jolts him awake, and for a moment he just lies there, trying to blink away the remnants of the nightmare.</p><p>It's harder than he'd expect.</p><p>After a moment, he picks it up, and it's not Daehyun like he'd expect, nor Minsoo like he'd hoped.</p><p>No - instead, it's Dongho.</p><p>What?</p><p><em>Bring the plushie and meet me outside,</em> the message reads, and Jaewon very pointedly Does Not Ask why Dongho knows where he lives - Dongho's just like that - and instead opts to listen. </p><p>A solid three minutes later, he's standing outside, and Dongho pulls up, sunglasses eclipsing his eyes and dark hair tousled in a distinctly <em>not</em>-stylish fashion. It speaks more of stress than effortless style, and Jaewon can't help but stare as Dongho pulls down his glasses, eyes slightly hazy and nails chipped.</p><p>"Hop in."</p><p>Somehow, Jaewon feels like this is going to end in a murder.</p><p>Still, he does as he's told, and Dongho steers them onto the highway, lips pursed and expression severe.</p><p>Jaewon studies him - taking in the dark hair pushed back and the crystal dangling from his ear, taking in the denim jacket hanging off his shoulders and the rings covering his fingers - and he almost doesn't want to ask where they're going.</p><p>Dongho's going to murder him, most likely.</p><p>"Ah, hyung..." he tries, then promptly shuts up when Dongho's gaze shifts to him.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"Ah- it's nothing!"</p><p>"It doesn't sound like nothing."</p><p>"...<em>areyougonnakillmebecauseifyouareI'msosorry-</em>"</p><p>"Calm down," Dongho advises, gaze drifting back to the road. "I'm not gonna kill you."</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>Now he feels stupid.</p><p>"Then, uh... where are we going?"</p><p>"I don't know," Dongho states, gaze pinned on the road. "Where do you want to go?"</p><p>Jaewon has the sudden and intense feeling that he's being kidnapped.</p><p>"I don't know," Jaewon slowly replies, and Dongho's gaze drifts to a space on the horizon, eyes growing hazy once more.</p><p>"...I know a place."</p><p>Jaewon's going to die. He's actually going to die.</p><hr/><p>Surprisingly, Jaewon does not die.</p><p>They drive for hours until the highway turns into a single-lane road, and Jaewon stares out the window, unsure of what to say as they creep further from civilization.</p><p>What <em>does </em>one say to a quasi-friend you only work with?</p><p>"So," Dongho finally states, gaze pinned on the road ahead, "you and Minsoo, huh?"</p><p>"<em>What</em>?"</p><p>"You and Minsoo," Dongho repeats, and Jaewon chokes on air. "You know he likes you, right?"</p><p>"He <em>what</em>?"</p><p>"I know these things," Dongho vaguely replies, and Jaewon gapes at him, unsure of what to say. "He'd jump off a bridge for you if you asked."</p><p>"I-"</p><p>"I know you wouldn't ask," Dongho cuts in, fingers drumming over the steering wheel, "but I figured I should let you know. Minsoo certainly won't."</p><p>"...why are you telling me?"</p><p>"If Minsoo was a bit less vague, a lot of problems could've been avoided," Dongho states, and Jaewon blinks at him, bewildered. "I'm not interested in making the same mistake again."</p><p>What?</p><p>"...are you and Dae-"</p><p>"No," Dongho replies, a tinge of bitterness to his voice. "We're almost here."</p><p>"Ah- don't we have practice tomorrow?"</p><p>"Cancelled," Dongho states, and Jaewon catches sight of distant lights on the horizon. "Dae's being held for observation."</p><p>Ah.</p><p>"Where... where are we?"</p><p>They drive through what looks like a small ocean town, and Dongho's frown takes on a bitter twist as he pulls into the parking lot of a hotel. "The others and I came here once. I remembered you said you liked the sea."</p><p><em>I needed to get out of Seoul</em> goes unsaid.</p><p>"I don't have clothes," Jaewon helplessly states, and Dongho frowns.</p><p>"...hm."</p><p>...Jaewon should be irritated, but instead, he's honestly kind of grateful.</p><p>Dongho wanted him here, after all, and even if he may not understand why, it's for a reason.</p><p>"...can I borrow some of yours?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><hr/><p>Minsoo may be a little bit stressed.</p><p>Scratch that: he's a <em>lot </em>stressed.</p><p>Dongho and Jaewon just disappeared off the fucking <em>map</em>. No trace on their phones or in their apartments, nothing packed, no notes left...</p><p>Dongho he can understand - his apartment <em>exudes </em>Daehyun, from the way the kitchen's set up to the guitar in the living room to the messy sheets - but <em>Jaewon</em>?</p><p>It just... makes no sense.</p><p>And <em>surely </em>Dongho's not dating Jaewon. There's just <em>no way </em>that's the explanation. </p><p>He sighs, throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling. </p><p>This is just... just a fucking mess.</p><p>His phone buzzes in his pocket, and he pulls it out, eyes widening at the sight of a text from Dongho on the screen. </p><p>If Jaewon's not with him, Minsoo is going to <em>throw hands</em>.</p><hr/><p>
  <em> <strong>bitch</strong> </em>
</p><p>Hey.<br/>Jaewon and I went to the beach.<br/>Be back in two days.<br/>Don't die.<br/>Don't use the stove.<br/>Don't do anything. Just sit there.</p><p>wOW FUCK YOU</p><p>It's a genuine concern.</p><p>YOU'RE A GENUINE DICK</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>......i like minwon ok dont @ me</p><p>actually do</p><p>i love getting tagged on twitter</p><p>the PAIN of crawling to 2k with this chapter.... and the fact that it's exactly 2k</p><p>seratonin</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. regarding de capo al fines (interlude)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter has some funky formatting and no real plot other than filler so if you wanted that i'm sorry you might have to wait until next week ^^;</p><p>short answer is that this is skippable</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>History repeats itself. Somebody says this.</p>
<hr/><p>There is something missing, Daehyun knows.</p><p>He's intuitive, though honestly, he doesn't have to be. It's painted all over the fucking walls.</p><p>The pain in Minsoo's eyes, the way Dongho just disappeared with no explanation-</p><p>People do things for a reason. </p><p>(the ghost of friends past say this: people run when they are afraid. daehyun does not need this reminder.)</p><p>His fingers ghost over the guitar, a hoodie he doesn't know hanging off his shoulders. It's his - Minsoo says so - but it doesn't feel like it.</p><p>(<em>amnesia</em>, the doctors said, <em>you might be forgetting something</em>.)</p><p>Time changes people.</p><p>His nail digs into the string, pulling and releasing again and again. </p><p>Repetitive.</p><p>The guitar's out of tune, now. </p><p>(<em>you didn't forget anything important,</em> minsoo lied, and he didn't even need to ask, because <em>oh</em>, minsoo has never been the best liar-)</p><p>Tug. </p><p>Release.</p><p>His mother's cooking dinner downstairs.</p><p>(<em>dongho looked at him like he loved him-</em>)</p><p>Tug.</p><p>(<em>dongho looked at him like he was breaking-</em>)</p><p>Tug.</p><p>(<em>dongho looked at him like he was the sun and the moon and a meteor crashing to earth all at once, like he was something precious, something decimated-</em>)</p><p>The string snaps under his fingers. </p><p>He stares down at it - at the guitar lit only by the faint light streaming through the window - and slowly, slowly, strums.</p><p>It's an incomplete chord.</p><p>Always is.</p>
<hr/><p>"What do you think?"</p><p>Daehyun spins around a few times, and Dongho nods, staring at the black-and-white denim.</p><p>"You look good."</p><p>"Just good?" Daehyun pouts, and Dongho rolls his eyes, pushing his hair back from his face.</p><p>"Aigoo, do you want me to say you look like a supermodel?"</p><p>"Yes," Daehyun beams, and Dongho snorts.</p><p>"Fine. You look like a supermodel, Dae."</p><p>Daehyun beams once more, and Dongho snorts, leaning over to ruffle his hair.</p><p>"You're such a dork."</p><p>"I am <em>adorable</em>," Daehyun huffs, and Dongho shrugs.</p><p>"I mean, yeah."</p><p>"Wh- <em>what do you mean, 'I mean, yeah'?</em>"</p><p>Dongho shrugs, tips his head back to stare at the ceiling of the warehouse. "Does my opinion matter that much to you?"</p><p><em>Yes</em>, Daehyun doesn't say. <em>Of course it matters, because it's you</em>.</p><p>"Maybe," he impishly replies instead, and Dongho rolls his eyes.</p><p>"It shouldn't."</p><p>Dongho doesn't understand, he thinks - doesn't understand the extent Daehyun will go to to please him.</p><p>Perhaps that's for the best.</p><p>(he can delude himself, sometimes, into thinking it's for the best.)</p><p>"I'm getting it anyways," he grins, and Dongho nods.</p><p>"Sure."</p>
<hr/><p>History throws its shadow over the beginning, over the desktop,<br/>
over the sock drawer with its socks, its hidden letters.</p>
<hr/><p><em>He lives with Dongho</em>, Daehyun finds out.</p><p>Honestly, he's not sure how that came to pass.</p><p>The house <em>feels </em>like Dongho, in that abstract way a place can feel like a person - cold, bare, sparse and empty - but there are traces of him as well, traces of chaos and light and ecstasy woven in with the never-ending darkness and fear.</p><p>(houses reflect their occupants, he learned, standing in the middle of a broken home with half of its contents ripped out.)</p><p>He's not entirely sure who the fear belongs to.</p><p>Fingertips brush over counters, and he can imagine it - standing here while Dongho sits at the table, a spatula in hand, and Dongho tilts his head, the sun catching his dark hair in the way that could launch a thousand ships-</p><p>Irrationality is his bane, in the end.</p><p>(a thousand ships is too little, he thinks, too little for the man with the vulpine eyes and shattered smile.)</p><p>There is history woven into this house, he thinks - history in the scrunch of the carpet and the sprawled sheets and the jacket hanging on the back of the chair. There is history in the drawings on the table and in the lyrics strewn about, history in half-finished sheet music and scribbled-down recipes.</p><p>(history repeats itself, <em>de capo al fine</em>, looping ad infinitum.)</p><p>This house is Daehyun's, but the home is not. </p><p>The home may have been once, but <em>de capo al fine </em>- forget the past each time until you reach it once more.</p><p>(<em>limpid - </em><em>adjective. </em>(of a person's eyes) unclouded; clear. </p><p>it's an oxymoron, isn't it?)</p><p>This house is a tapestry woven with colors Daehyun can't see.</p><p>There - disturbed carpet. A place for his guitar.</p><p>There - earbuds strewn across the floor, remnants of something or another Daehyun doesn't have a name for.</p><p>There - those lyrics with their aching definitions of love. </p><p>(dongho looked at him like he was helen of troy, eyes limpid and limp and everything and nothing in between, and daehyun's drowning, drowning, drowning-)</p>
<hr/><p>There is a gap between what <em>was </em>and what <em>is</em>, Daehyun thinks.</p><p>What was: four. Black and white, red and gold, four colors making their own rainbow.</p><p>What is: gray.</p><p>The sky is gray, the counters and tables are gray, the space Jaewon used to occupy is hollow and aching and <em>gray</em>-</p><p>Dongho is sitting at the kitchen table, fingers drumming a staccato on the wood, and Daehyun can hear the ghost of a melody there.</p><p>It's almost a funeral dirge.</p><p>Leave it to Dongho to get inspired by that.</p><p>Grief takes many forms, Daehyun finds, watching as Dongho's fingers drum a <em>tck-a-tck-a-tck</em> on the wood. Grief is missing and finding and clawing your way back to some semblance of joy, grief is painting yourself in the colors of vulnerability and hoping someone else will paint over them instead of slashing the canvas to shreds.</p><p><em>Tck-a-tck-a-tck </em>go Dongho's perfectly manicured nails, and Daehyun stares at nothing.</p><p>Nothing is easier to look at than something, after all.</p><p>When you look at something, you run the risk of something looking back, and so many people will slash your canvas to shreds instead of painstakingly painting over the gashes already there, so he stares at nothing.</p><p>Dongho is looking at him.</p><p>Does he feel guilt, Daehyun wonders, guilt for what they never could've stopped?</p><p>He looks at the eldest for a second, gaze lingering for a single instant, and Dongho's fingers still on the table.</p><p>The silence is even worse than the sound.</p>
<hr/><p>History is a little man in a brown suit<br/>
trying to define a room he is outside of.</p>
<hr/><p>Daehyun does not know how to read the subtle nuances of the air.</p><p>There are things here - aches and pain laced into every molecule, love mingling with loss mingling with <em>howcouldyouleavemelikethis</em>, and the <em>forgetting</em> aches.</p><p>(dongho is standing in a room and daehyun threw away the key, rendered helpless to watch as the ground crumbles out from underneath him-)</p><p>There is a bedroom.</p><p>Daehyun doesn't enter.</p><p>The bedroom - this, as in all bedrooms - carries weight. Tangled sheets, stuffed animals, photos sitting on the table and a cat curled up in bed.</p><p>Did Dongho think about this, he wonders?</p><p>The cat stretches, mouth opening wide and tongue curling at the edge. She, in the end, is the impartial witness - someone recording the fall of an empire while doing nothing to stop it.</p><p>(logic dictates this- there is no way she could have done anything. emotion dictates this - this room is a battle scene, and she, the unfortunate survivor, must tell the tale.)</p><p>He stares at her for an instant - fleeting serendipity - and moves on.</p><p>The dressers are both his and Dongho's - bright colors mixed in with darker fabric - and as he lifts one of the hoodies from the drawer, he inhales the overwhelming scent of spice.</p><p>Spice, citrus, pine-</p><p>It smells like everything and nothing.</p><p>(home is this: something daehyun is not privy to. everything and nothing all at once, cold pine and mint and spice and everything he's never felt.)</p><p>He closes the drawer, tucking the hoodie under his arm as he goes. </p><p>It's his, in the end.</p><p>Must be.</p>
<hr/><p>Trying to define Jaewon feels like this:</p><p>There is Ahn Jaewon, and there is Jaewon, and there is Wyld.</p><p>There is no overlap.</p><p>Ahn Jaewon - a boy with a doting mother and amazing grades. Someone sweet, someone loved by many, someone bullied relentlessly and torn apart over and over again until all that could be done was paste over the cracks with tape and hope for the best.</p><p>Jaewon - a friend. A friend who liked coffee and sharks and smiled sometimes, lips curling into a grin that could rival the Milky Way with its brightness, someone who was nobody and aspired to be nobody, content to simply exist in the space between moments.</p><p>Wyld - the antithesis. Scandalous, sharp and cutting shades of red where the others were softer pink, hair painted the same blood-red of the mangled car that took his life, shades of <em>red red red </em>covering him in his entirety.</p><p>These things should not co-exist.</p><p>(daehyun should not be defining them.)</p><p>Ahn Jaewon's mother is at the funeral, gray hair pulled back into a severe bun and dark eyes rimmed with red. Jaewon's friends are at the funeral, tattoos snaking up one's arms and the other dressed in dark colors of mourning.</p><p>Wyld's groupmates are there, as put-together as always.</p><p>It's cold - not raining, just cold - and Daehyun reaches over to grasp Dongho's hand, his numb fingers bending awkwardly as they intertwine with the elder's.</p><p>Dongho isn't saying anything.</p><p>(dongho saw more red than they expected.)</p><p>Someone takes his other hand - Minsoo, silver hair swept back from his face and the faintest hint of red to his eyes.</p><p>Daehyun feels too much, he decides.</p><p>Dongho feels too little, and Daehyun-</p><p>he feels too much.</p><p>Because someone is lying in the casket, there, and he doesn't know how to give them a name.</p>
<hr/><p>I know history. There are many names in history<br/>
but none of them are ours.</p>
<hr/><p>There are things Dongho does not say.</p><p>Chief among them: <em>nothing is going to change</em>.</p><p>Hope is a dangerous thing to have, in the end, and Dongho's world has been painted over with shades of white and black and <em>red red red </em>for as long as he can remember.</p><p>(he doubts, now, that things will change. without daehyun.)</p><p>Jaewon is sitting on the bed across from him, hands twisted up in his jacket and pain flickering in his eyes, and Dongho's reminded - irrationally - of the <em>red red red </em>from that day.</p><p>(that red was always duller, always dried, always flaky and sticking and <em>never coming off</em>-)</p><p>It doesn't matter much, in the end.</p><p>Even back then - what will come - Jaewon's name never came up other than <em>oh, did you know there used to be a fourth member? </em>and everyone will <em>hmm </em>and <em>ohh</em> and then move along with their day, as if Jaewon was nothing, <em>meant nothing</em>.</p><p>(history is painted with names of people who may or may not have mattered. this is not based on effort, but rather on results.)</p><p>It's dark outside.</p><p>Jaewon's twisting, twisting, twisting the fabric in his hands, pale fingers covering dark cloth, and Dongho doesn't know how to feel.</p><p>He's been cut adrift, left to float until he runs out of air.</p><p>(runs back into the sun or moon, maybe - daehyun, minsoo, <em>missing missing missing </em>his family-)</p><p>There are things Dongho doesn't think.</p><p>Chief among them: <em>is it worth it, if I'm alone?</em></p><p>(is it worth it if none of it matters?)</p><p>The world turns-turns-turns, and Dongho's standing in place.</p>
<hr/><p>When he thinks of That Day, what comes to mind is this:</p><p>Jaewon's body, cold, cold, achingly cold.</p><p>Another body - a girl - long hair strewn over the steering wheel and blood covering her face, and Dongho wanted to scream, because <em>how fucking dare she</em>?</p><p>Red.</p><p>The deep red of Jaewon's hair, the deep red of his mangled face, the deep, deep red of the blood coating the upholstery and his cracked and broken phone, <em>red red red</em>.</p><p>One message, unsent.</p><p>[to: Junsu</p><p>I don't think I can help out next week.]</p><p>He sends it.</p><p>The phone screen is rough on his fingers, but he sends it nonetheless.</p><p><em>"Can you confirm this is Ahn Jaewon?" </em>asked by someone whose face he doesn't remember, and he nods, wooden, frozen, because that's his groupmate, lying dead on the stretcher.</p><p>Jaewon is dead.</p><p>Jaewon is dead, and he has some calls to make.</p><p>Jaewon is dead, and it's the end of fall, the air cold and burning and frigid and boiling all at once, and Dongho couldn't tell you what That Day was like if you paid him.</p><p>Jaewon <strike>is</strike> <strike>was</strike> <strike>is</strike> was dead.</p><p>History repeats itself.</p><p>Dongho knows this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the poem used in the fic is little beasts by richard seiken, found <a href="http://youngerpoets.yupnet.org/2008/04/22/little-beast-crush-by-richard-siken/">here</a></p><p>dear god this may be the worst thing i've ever written i'm so sorry</p><p>back to our regularly scheduled programming next week</p><p>leave a comment with your favorite line possiblymaybe? motivation makes my heart happy</p><p>pls lmk abt any typos!!</p><p>happy halloween!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. regarding twists and turns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's an odd experience, traveling with Dongho.</p><p>Jaewon's not entirely sure what to say - <em>can </em>he say anything? - as Dongho gazes out at the sea, dark hair pushed back from his face and eyes half-shut against the ocean breeze. It's way too cold to be at the beach - almost nobody else is here - but he probably chose that intentionally, right?</p><p>(he hopes. it's seeming more and more like not even Dongho knows why they're here.)</p><p>"Hyung?" he ventures, and Dongho turns, a faint hint of amusement to his expression as his gaze meets Jaewon's. "Why are we here?"</p><p>"You said you liked the sea," Dongho replies, and Jaewon just-</p><p><em>what does that mean</em>?</p><p>Dongho's acting weird - bad-weird, not nice, funny-weird - and Jaewon isn't entirely sure what that means? Whether he's finally snapped or whether he's just... trying and failing at bonding, the answer turns out to be much the same.</p><p>"...is everything okay between you and Daehyun-ah?"</p><p>Dongho's expression flickers for a moment - <em>paingrieftrepidation</em> - and he turns his gaze back to the sea, fingers drumming over the railing. "It's fine."</p><p>Lie. Jaewon knows that's a lie.</p><p>"...you know you can come to us, right?"</p><p>Jaewon blinks at him, thrown for a loop, but Dongho seems deadly serious. Which-</p><p>this makes <em>no sense</em>.</p><p>The Dongho he knows <em>does not act like this</em>.</p><p>"Ah-"</p><p>"For anything," Dongho continues, and is that a <em>smirk</em> Jaewon's seeing? "Even boy troubles."</p><p>"Wh- <em>what</em>?"</p><p>Dongho seems to sober, then, gaze drifting out to the rising sun. "...I know you're hiding things, Jaewon-ah."</p><p>"Ah-"</p><p>"But if you're ever in danger," the elder continues, turning to stare at him, "you can come to me. Always."</p><p>This is... this is<em> weird</em>.</p><p>"Okay?" he helplessly replies, and Dongho nods, seemingly satisfied.</p><p>...what was <em>that </em>about?</p>
<hr/><p>Jaewon genuinely has no idea what's happening.</p><p>Dongho decided to bring him to an <em>aquarium</em>, of all things, and yeah, Jaewon likes them a lot, but... <em>how did he know this</em>?</p><p>Dumb luck?</p><p>Regardless, Jaewon stares up at the massive tunnel, lips parted in awe as a <em>massive shark </em>swims overhead. God, he loves sharks - they're the most misunderstood creatures in the world, rarely attacking humans if they don't mistake them for seals - and he doesn't even care what people might say as he races to the glass, staring wide-eyed into the dark depths.</p><p>"Sharks, huh?"</p><p>"They're misunderstood," Jaewon murmurs, staring out into the darkness. "They're not evil, they just... people think they are. People are afraid of them because of the way they look, so they never really give them another chance."</p><p>Dongho hums, pressing his palm to the glass, and Jaewon watches as the shark cuts through the water, tail swishing slowly from side-to-side.</p><p>"...it would be nice to be a fish," he murmurs, watching as the shark turns. "Simpler. Less thinking."</p><p>Dongho doesn't reply, but Jaewon likes to think he's nodding.</p><p>"...I like sharks, but... I think I'd want to be a dolphin. Everyone likes dolphins."</p><p>"I like sharks," Dongho states, and Jaewon's not entirely sure what to say to that.</p><p>Is there a rulebook for how to talk to your kinda-maybe friend who dragged you out of the city for a day and took you to an aquarium before asking you about sharks? If there is, Jaewon would <em>love </em>to read it.</p><p>"...did you know penguins mate for life?"</p><p>What?</p><p>Jaewon turns, unsure of what to say, and Dongho doesn't meet his gaze. "What?"</p><p>"Mostly for life," Dongho clarifies, free hand absently tapping the glass. "Minsoo got really into penguins a while back 'cause of the hair thing, and he just... sent me random penguin facts. All the time."</p><p>There's something in his eyes, Jaewon notes - something <em>pained</em>.</p><p>"So now I know way too much about penguins," Dongho finishes, hand falling to his side. "God, it sucked."</p><p>"...you don't like penguins?"</p><p>"I have his texts set to override my do not disturb," Dongho explains, "because one time I slept through his texts when he got locked out of the dorm and needed someone to let him back in before someone caught a photo of him naked. So no, I don't have an issue with the penguins, I have an issue with the fact that he sent all of his messages at <em>three in the morning</em>."</p><p>"...ah..."</p><p>Jaewon doesn't even know where to <em>start </em>with that.</p><p>"Do you want me to show you my favorite part of this city?" Dongho asks, and Jaewon nods, gaze drifting back to the sharks. </p><p>He doesn't <em>want </em>to go, but-</p><p>"We'll stay here a bit longer," Dongho murmurs, and Jaewon's not sure how he knew he wanted to stay, but he's grateful regardless.</p>
<hr/><p>Jaewon's not sure what to think when Dongho leads him down a few side streets, so he opts to suspend his judgement and keep walking. </p><p>The sun's creeping down the sky, and if he had to guess, he'd pin the time at around three, but on the other hand, he's absolutely abysmal at telling time based off the sun, so that's likely wrong. Still, Dongho's leading the way, hood pulled over his head and mask covering his mouth, so Jaewon follows. </p><p>Finally, they arrive at a store made of weathered wood, and Jaewon's not sure what to think as he catches sight of the dirty windows and stained mat, but then again, <em>don't judge based on appearances</em>.</p><p>Dongho pulls open the door, and Jaewon steps inside, eyes widening as a scent he can only call <em>music </em>fills his nose.</p><p>Ah.</p><p>It's a music shop. </p><p>He blinks, turning to ask Dongho why they're here-</p><p>but Dongho's gone.</p><p><em>What</em>?</p><p>He stares around - at the cluttered ground, the weathered shelves, the instruments hanging from the walls and leaning against stacks of music - and as he takes a step forwards, a chord rings through the air.</p><p>Someone's playing the guitar.</p><p>He steps forwards, careful not to accidentally crush anything important, and a gentle melody starts to flow through the space - tripping, halting, yes, occasionally sharp or flat - but Jaewon feels like he recognizes the song. It's almost familiar - the kind of distant familiarity reserved for the most acute deja vu - and as he descends further into the depths of the store, the melody rises and falls. </p><p>After a few minutes, he rounds a corner and the melody <em>soars</em>, raising in a way Jaewon can't quite place, and <em>oh</em>.</p><p>He stares, rendered silent, at the sight of Dongho seated on a window seat, a beaten-up guitar in his hands and eyes shut, and <em>oh</em>, he looks like Daehyun for an instant, head bowed and dark hair eclipsing his eyes as his fingers move. </p><p>He didn't know Dongho could play the guitar.</p><p>He takes a seat on the torn-up carpet, letting the music fill the air as his hands come to rest on his thighs, and somehow, the guitar sounds like home.</p><p>(it reminds him of his mom, almost. not the notes, but the <em>feeling</em>.)</p><p>The last few notes linger in the air, soft and fading, and Jaewon doesn't say a word, lest his voice break the spell that lingers over the silent store. It feels- <em>sacred</em>, almost, like this is a song he isn't supposed to hear, but one Dongho chose to share with him anyways.</p><p>He feels special, somehow - feels like <em>this </em>is something special.</p><p>"That was a lovely song," someone rasps, and Jaewon raises his head, gaze landing on a worn old woman. She's standing in the doorway, silver hair falling around her face and wrinkles etched into her brow, but she looks kind nonetheless, almost seeming to embody the calm sort of home of this store.</p><p>"Thank you," Dongho murmurs, and her gaze drifts to the guitar, a crooked smile on her chapped lips. </p><p>"You found old Missy, huh?"</p><p>"Excuse me?"</p><p>"The guitar," the woman laughs, pointing at the instrument in Dongho's hands. "Her name is Missy."</p><p>"Ah," Dongho simply replies, and the woman smiles, old and sagely.</p><p>"It's nice to see someone playing her. She's a beaut', isn't she?"</p><p>"She is," Dongho agrees, and the woman's smile grows.</p><p>"Do you want her?"</p><p>"Ah- I couldn't-"</p><p>"She's too old to sell," the woman interjects, waving off Dongho's concerns as easily as if she were brushing away a bug. "Nobody wants her. 'sides, that's the happiest I've heard her sound in years."</p><p>With that, she disappears into the back room, and Jaewon stares at Dongho, unsure of what to say.</p><p>"...are you really gonna keep it?"</p><p>"It would be nice to have a guitar again," Dongho vaguely replies, and that's that.</p>
<hr/><p>That night, Jaewon has another nightmare.</p><p>
  <em>He's sitting in the passenger seat of a van, wrists taped behind him and duct tape over his mouth. His phone buzzes in his pocket - Dongho's texting - but he can't answer it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He has to get out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Aren't you excited?" Sohee murmurs, and Jaewon stares at the road ahead of him, heart pounding in his ears. "It'll just be you and me, Jaewonnie..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He has to get out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There's a curve and a tree up ahead, and if he can just get her to swerve-</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She turns her attention back to the road, and he makes his move. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He throws himself into her arm, and the wheel jerks to the side.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Screaming, pain, pain, pain-</em>
</p><p>"Jaewon!"</p><p>His eyes shoot open, and he stares up at Dongho, chest heaving with the force of his panic. Dongho's sitting on his chest, hands gripping his wrists and concern flickering in his eyes, and <em>god</em>, what was that dream? His nightmares are normally about his mom, not-</p><p>not <em>that</em>.</p><p>"Are you okay?" Dongho asks, and there's a vulnerability to his voice Jaewon never thought to associate with his dark-haired groupmate. </p><p>It takes him perhaps a moment too long to realize it's <em>fear</em>.</p><p>Or, well - fear or one of its affiliated emotions; Dongho's emotions are far too alike for him to pick out any one in particular.</p><p>"Nightmare," he murmurs, and Dongho's eyes flash with something Jaewon tentatively labels as "understanding". Which-</p><p>what would Dongho be having nightmares about?</p><p>"...do you think you can go back to sleep?"</p><p>Jaewon thinks about it for a moment - takes in his shaking hands, the sweat coating his back, his racing heart - and shakes his head. </p><p>"Alright. Do you want to go back to Seoul?"</p><p>"...yeah."</p>
<hr/><p>They're on the road before the sun rises.</p><p>Dongho's driving, of course - he doubts Jaewon has his license - while the redhead nods off in the passenger seat, knees pulled to his chest and eyelids drooping as Dongho steers them onto the highway. It's strange to see - Jaewon being this calm, that is - and for a moment, he misses what could've been.</p><p>What could things have been like if Jaewon hadn't died?</p><p>He dwells on it for a moment, hands moving in calm, practiced motions as his mind drifts elsewhere. How could things have been different if one of them had reached out before?</p><p>Honestly, it's a small miracle Jaewon didn't pick up on any of the mistakes he made - although, really, with how terrified he looked, Dongho doubts he heard anything more than the bare basics. The number of things he said that should've cued Jaewon in to something being wrong... Daehyun would've gotten it immediately.</p><p><em>Daehyun</em>.</p><p>A wave of longing washes over him once more, and he nearly shuts his eyes before remembering he's on the road. <em>God</em>, he misses Daehyun - misses going places with him, misses texting him, misses seeing him, misses <em>him</em> - and it aches like a missing limb. </p><p>Phantom pain.</p><p>He watches as the faintest hints of color filter through the sky, and his gaze drifts to Jaewon, taking in the younger man's sleeping form. He's asleep - finally - which is nice, but Dongho really, really hopes he won't have another nightmare.</p><p>(he hopes he isn't dreaming of what he suspects he's dreaming of.)</p><p>...in the end, though, he's glad he left with Jaewon. Even if it was only for a day or two, it was nice.</p><p>He feels like he knows his dongsaeng a bit better, too. They may not be best friends - Dongho doubts that's possible - but at least he'd call them close acquaintances.</p><p>...friends, though?</p><p>That sounds like a nice goal.</p>
<hr/><p>Once they pull into Jaewon's parking lot, Dongho makes the executive decision to not wake him up. </p><p>No - instead, he just hoists Jaewon into his arms, resting his dongsaeng's head on his shoulder as he nudges the door shut with his hip and carries the redhead to the elevator.</p><p>Nobody's in the lobby, which, given how early it is, doesn't surprise him, so he carries Jaewon to his room unimpeded. The password is their debut date - and it only took him three guesses, <em>ha</em> - and he pulls open the door, shutting it carefully behind himself.</p><p>He carries Jaewon to his room, gently placing the sleeping redhead on top of his sheets, and he's about to leave when something catches his eye.</p><p>There's something shining under the bed.</p><p>He barely has time to blink before Sohee's slamming him into the wall, the knife in her hand slicing into his gut.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>well that escalated quickly</p><p>leave a comment,,,, pls,,,,,,, maybe include your favorite line from the chapter? ^U^</p><p>as usual, unbeta'd, pls let me know if i do a dumb</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. regarding decretum</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaewon opens his eyes to a resounding <em>thud</em>.</p><p>He blinks, jolting upright - and is he in his room? When did he get here? - and his eyes widen at the sight of Dongho crouched on top of a girl, his hands around her throat and expression blank.</p><p><em>What</em>?</p><p>The girl thrashes in his grasp - and <em>oh god oh fuck she has a knife</em> - and Dongho slams her head against the floor, ripping the knife from her hand and tossing it across the room.</p><p>Jaewon knows he should intervene, but he can't move.</p><p>Can't think.</p><p>"Wyld!" the girl gasps, and Dongho tightens his grip, cold and visceral <em>fury </em>pooling in his eyes. "Wyld, Wyld, help me-"</p><p>"Shut your <em>fucking mouth</em>," Dongho growls, and Jaewon blinks as the girl scrabbles at the dancer's wrists, faint wheezes passing through her lips.</p><p>Oh, <em>god</em>.</p><p>"Hyung!" Jaewon cries, tumbling out of bed and racing to Dongho's side. "Hyung, hyung, <em>stop</em>-"</p><p>He reaches over to try and pry Dongho's hands off the girl's neck, but the dancer is <em>not letting up</em>, so, naturally, he does the second-best thing. </p><p>He grits his teeth, braces himself, and shoves Dongho as hard as he can.</p><p>In hindsight, he should've been concerned about the fact that it actually worked. He should've noticed the pallor of his <strike>friend's</strike> bandmate's skin, should've noticed the way his hands shook and the pain flickering in his eyes. </p><p>But in the moment, it boiled down to black and white. </p><p>Dongho and the girl.</p><p>
  <strike>He chose the wrong one.</strike>
</p><p>"Are you okay?" he gasps, reaching out to grasp the girl's wrist and haul her upright. "What..."</p><p>Oh.</p><p><em>Oh</em>.</p><p>"How... how did you get in here?"</p><p>The girl smiles, and Jaewon shivers at the sight. "I waited for you all day, <em>Jaewonnie-ah</em>."</p><p>Oh, god.</p><p>"I'm so glad you took care of him," the girl breathes, and Jaewon's gaze snaps to Dongho, eyes widening at the sight of deep red seeping through his shirt. "Now it can just be us..."</p><p>"Fuck you," Dongho growls, and the girl turns, smile falling from her face in an instant. </p><p>"Shut your disgusting mouth."</p><p>She staggers to her feet, rubbing her throat and staring at Dongho with an expression that can only be called <em>pure fucking hatred</em>.</p><p>...Jaewon made a mistake.</p><p>Oh, god, Jaewon made a mistake, but he's paralyzed with fear as the girl scoops up the knife, stumbling towards his hyung with bloodlust in her eyes. Dongho stares back, dark eyes dull and one hand pressed to the wound(?) in his gut, and the girl growls, fury laced into her voice.</p><p>"Why won't you <em>die</em>?"</p><p>She brings the knife down-</p><p>and Dongho kicks her legs out from under her, rips the knife from her hands, and slams it into her skull. </p><p>Time slows to a snail's crawl.</p><p>The girl drops to her knees, the light gone from her eyes and blood seeping down her head. </p><p>Jaewon stares, eyes wide in horror, as she flops to the floor, blood smearing over the wood and trickling down her face.</p><p>And Dongho-</p><p>Dongho <em>laughs</em>.</p><p>Not even laughs - he's fucking <em>cackling</em>, hunched over with his shoulders shaking and both hands pressed to his gut as if that'll help. Tears stream down his cheeks, mixing with the blood coating his face and hands, and Jaewon can't breathe.</p><p>The girl's dead, and Dongho's <em>laughing</em>.</p><p>After what feels like an eternity, Dongho leans back, head thunking against the wall and a long exhale escaping his lips.</p><p>Time restarts.</p><p>Jaewon scrambles to his side, eyes widening at the sight of the massive gash in his tee and the <em>gaping wound </em>underneath. "Hyung-"</p><p>"Don't call someone," Dongho commands, and horror washes over Jaewon as the elder's hands fall to his side, the bloodflow only increasing as he does. "Just..."</p><p>"Of course I'm gonna call someone!" Jaewon cries, grabbing a stray t-shirt and pressing it to Dongho's stomach in an attempt to stem the bleeding. "Of <em>course</em> I'm gonna- hold this-"</p><p>"Don't call someone," Dongho repeats, and Jaewon shakes his head, putting as much pressure on the balled-up fabric as he can.</p><p>"Hold this," he begs, and Dongho shakes his head - or tries to. It just... turns into his head lolling to one side. "<em>Hyung, please</em>-"</p><p>He blinks as tears sting his eyes, and he reaches up to scrub them with his arm, gaze drifting to his phone on the other side of the room. "Please, hyung, please-"</p><p>Dongho blinks at him, a strange sort of haziness to his eyes, and Jaewon makes the quick decision to scramble across the room for his phone. </p><p>His foot catches on the <strike>body</strike> girl lying next to the bed, and he crashes back to the floor, chin colliding with the hardwood and sending jolts of pain through his body. "Ah... ah..."</p><p>Focus.</p><p>He scrambles for his phone, finally managing to scoop it off the dresser, and he stumbles back to Dongho's side, immediately putting pressure back on the wound.</p><p>"Don't worry," Dongho mumbles, head lolling to one side, "I've been stabbed before. 's fine."</p><p>"This is <em>not fine</em>!" Jaewon cries, fumbling with his phone in an attempt to unlock it. His hand leaves bloody smears on the screen, and by the time he finally manages to dial, Dongho grasps his wrist, something unidentifiable flickering in his eyes.</p><p>"Just... just let me <em>die</em>, Jaewon-ah..."</p><p>"No!" Jaewon cries, and <em>oh god</em>, he's crying, tears rolling down his cheeks and dripping off his chin. "What- what about Minsoo-hyung? And Dae-yah? You're just- just gonna leave them behind?"</p><p>"They... they left... left me behind," Dongho mumbles, and Jaewon <em>hates </em>how weak his voice sounds, hates the way he's tripping over his words, <em>hates hates hates </em>that the bleeding <em>won't stop</em>. "'m just... tryin' t' catch up..."</p><p>"No," Jaewon sobs, stabbing the dial button as hard as he can. It's not <em>registering</em>, there's blood on his screen from where he unlocked it, <em>why won't it fucking call</em>? "No, no, hyung, stay with me, yeah? You're- you're gonna be okay-"</p><p>Finally, <em>finally</em>, the phone starts to ring, and Dongho blinks wearily at him, exhaustion etched into the lines of his face. </p><p>"'m... 'm gonna take a... take a nap... yeah?"</p><p>"No," Jaewon begs, and he can hear the operator speaking, can hear the panic in their voice, but his world has narrowed down to him and Dongho, and he can't-</p><p>Dongho can't die here.</p><p>"No, no, hyung, stay- stay with me, hyung, it's- it's gonna be okay, y-yeah?"</p><p>Oh, god, he's crying, and as he reaches up to wipe his tears, something hot and sticky smears over his cheek.</p><p>Blood.</p><p>"You're... you're gonna be okay. I... I promise."</p><p>Dongho isn't looking at him.</p>
<hr/><p>In the end, it isn't Jaewon that calls them.</p><p>Daehyun's eating at Minsoo's, the two of them sat at a small table with a broken leg that wobbles if you so much as poke it. It's nice, this apartment - small, cozy, and undeniably <em>Minsoo</em> - and Daehyun finds himself wishing he had something like this.</p><p>Something like <em>home</em>.</p><p>Minsoo's phone buzzes from its position on the table, and he frowns, reaching over to pick it up. "Hello?"</p><p>Silence.</p><p>"...what?"</p><p>More silence.</p><p>"...we'll be right there."</p><p>Minsoo taps the "end call" button, his hand falling to his lap and expression blank. And <em>oh</em>, that's not a good look on Minsoo - clinical detachment always looked better on Dongho - and Daehyun almost doesn't want to ask what happened.</p><p>"...Dongho-hyung is in the hospital."</p><p>Daehyun's blood runs cold.</p><p>"What... what happened?"</p><p>Minsoo jolts to his feet, striding over to grab his jacket from the hook it's hanging on. "I'll- I'll explain in the car. Let's just- let's just go."</p><p>"Hyung, wait-"</p><p>"<em>We need to go, Dae</em>!"</p><p>Daehyun flinches - Minsoo <em>does not yell like this</em> - and the elder must sense his discomfort, since he sighs, reaching up to rake a hand through his hair. "Just... grab your shoes. We need to go."</p><p>Daehyun does as he says, though not without the sickening feeling of <em>dread </em>making a home in his gut.</p>
<hr/><p>The first thing they see when they arrive is Jaewon.</p><p>The red-haired man is curled up in a small ball outside Dongho's room, hands covered in something unidentifiable and face buried in his knees. Daehyun steps closer, squinting at his hands, and his eyes widen at the realization that <em>that is blood</em>.</p><p>Oh.</p><p><em>Oh</em>.</p><p>"How is he?" Minsoo asks, and Jaewon raises his head, red-rimmed eyes dull and blank.</p><p>"...I don't know, hyung..."</p><p>Oh.</p><p><em>Oh</em>.</p><p>"Is he alive?" Minsoo quips, apparently trying to ease the tension.</p><p>It doesn't work.</p><p>Jaewon stares at him, eyes shimmering with fresh tears, and before Minsoo can react, he buries his face in his hands, shoulders shaking with the force of his-</p><p>what?</p><p>What is it Jaewon's feeling right now?</p><p>"I should've let him," Jaewon gasps, digging his nails into the fabric of his blood-stained jeans. "I should've- should've let him- should've-"</p><p>"Hey," Minsoo murmurs, dropping by his side to place a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, hey, Jaewon-ah, look at me."</p><p>Jaewon turns to stare at him, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks, and Minsoo gives him a weak little grin, thumbing one of the droplets off his cheek. "There you go."</p><p>For a moment, Daehyun feels like an intruder.</p><p>"Now, what happened?"</p><p>"...there was a girl..."</p>
<hr/><p>When they're finally allowed to see Dongho, the first thing Daehyun sees is <em>white</em>.</p><p>White walls, white sheets, the near-white of Dongho's hand against the sheets-</p><p>it looks <em>wrong</em>.</p><p>Dongho's hair looks too dark against his pale skin, the violet circles under his eyes only adding to the contrast. There's dark blood caked under his nails, and Daehyun's gaze strays to his stomach, where the wound that almost killed him hides under layers of sheets.</p><p>...</p><p>He's not as unnerved by this as he should be, he thinks.</p><p>"Hey," Minsoo murmurs, grabbing a chair and pulling it up to Dongho's bedside. "You're not gonna leave now, are you? After all of this?"</p><p>Dongho doesn't reply.</p><p>"Come over here," Minsoo sighs, tilting his head back to stare at the pair in the doorway. "He's not gonna bite."</p><p>The truth is-</p><p>no.</p><p>The truth is this: being here is making Daehyun feel weird. Not good-weird, like the kind of butterflies you get when you're around someone you like, but <em>bad-weird</em>. Like- like there's <em>something</em> wrong, but whatever it is isn't clear in the slightest. </p><p>"Come sit," Minsoo repeats, and so Daehyun does.</p><p>Dongho's hand is frigid in his own, Daehyun thinks, and he reaches up to rub the back of his palm, interlacing his fingers with the elder's. </p><p>
  <em>"You're such a sap."</em>
</p><p>He blinks, eyes widening, before he shakes his head, reaching up to press his free hand to his forehead.</p><p>Where did that come from?</p><p>His gaze drifts to Dongho, scanning his face before landing on the gentle rise and fall of his chest, and his lips curl into a soft smile at the sight.</p><p>"I'll leave you two alone," Minsoo murmurs, standing and heading for the door. "If he wakes up, call a nurse. If you need anything, call me."</p><p>...it's funny, Daehyun thinks, how Minsoo's acting like he's the one who's hurt here.</p><p>The door swings shut with a gentle click, and Daehyun's left alone in the room. </p><p>Sunlight trickles through the window, the setting sun painting the sky in deep reds and violets, and Daehyun stares at it for a moment, heart twinging painfully.</p><p>...why does he care?</p><p>His gaze flits to Dongho, the elder's eyes shut and lashes kissing his cheeks, and-</p><p>Kim Daehyun, you are <em>not a romance novel protagonist</em>. Shut your fuck.</p><p>Anyways.</p><p>Dongho's asleep, a faint hint of discomfort on his face and dark hair strewn across his forehead. Daehyun takes his hand, thumb dancing over his knuckles one way and then the other, and he exhales, gaze drifting back to the sheets. </p><p>It's just...</p><p>he has so many feelings he can't put a name to, and being here - holding Dongho's hand like this - seems to abate some of them.</p><p>It just... it just feels <em>right</em>. He can't explain it more than that.</p><p>(when Minsoo and Jaewon return, hours later, they find the room shrouded in darkness, and, next to Dongho's bed, Daehyun's asleep, fingers interlaced with Dongho's and a small smile on his lips.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i hope this chapter lived up to your expectations!!</p><p>this chapter was written while listening to the pmmm osts "decretum" and "inevitabilis" so i recommend those</p><p>no beta please point out typos and long comments fuel my existence :eyes:</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. regarding silence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Dongho wakes up, his first thought is <em>"oh, fuck."</em></p><p>His second thought is that that's actually pretty concerning, and he should probably see a therapist. </p><p>His third thought is less of a thought and more internal and frantic keysmashing, because Daehyun - not <em>his</em> Daehyun, but <em>a</em> Daehyun - is currently asleep on his arm, a pool of drool next to his head and golden hair strewn over his eyes.</p><p>"You're awake," someone notes, and Dongho raises his head, gaze landing on Minsoo.</p><p>And <em>goddamn </em>does his best friend look like the cat that ate the canary. His lips are curled into a bright smile with a faint mischievous twist, and Dongho <em>does not like that look in his eye, thank you</em>.</p><p>"Why are you here?"</p><p>"Rude," Minsoo huffs, and <em>oh</em>, Dongho can hear the way his voice shakes. </p><p>...Minsoo was worried.</p><p>He kinda feels like an ass now.</p><p>"...has he slept?" Dongho asks instead, gesturing to the sleeping man to his right. "In a real bed, I mean."</p><p>"I don't know," Minsoo shrugs, taking a seat on his left. "How're you doing?"</p><p>"Not dead," Dongho deadpans, flopping back into his pillows. "I'm really racking up experience with being stabbed. Hey, do you think if you get stabbed enough, then you get a free stab? Courtesy of the universe?"</p><p>"It's so <em>weird</em> hearing you joke," Minsoo giggles, and Dongho shrugs.</p><p>"When you live with Lee Minsoo for long enough, you start to pick some shit up."</p><p>"Aww!"</p><p>"Emphasis on <em>shit</em>."</p><p>"Hey!"</p><p>Dongho reaches over to run his fingers through Daehyun's hair, a small smirk on his lips. "You're not even him, Minsoo-yah."</p><p>"Well, I will be," Minsoo huffs, folding his arms over his chest. </p><p>"Get back to me in 2023," Dongho quips, and Minsoo flicks his forehead.</p><p>They fall into a comfortable silence, and Dongho busies himself with counting the tiles of the ceiling, gaze drifting here and there as his brain keeps a mental total. It's calming - this hospital has never really changed, after all - and he can almost forget the general <em>everything </em>of it all.</p><p>"...Jaewon said you didn't want him to call 119."</p><p>Oh.</p><p>So he <em>is </em>going to have to talk about that.</p><p>"Yeah," Dongho simply replies, and Minsoo's brow twitches, eyes sparking with fury.</p><p>"What the <em>fuck</em>?"</p><p>"Minsoo-yah. Min. Think about it."</p><p>Dongho leans forwards, resting his elbows on his knees and giving Minsoo the blankest expression he can muster. "The love of my life and my best friend are <em>dead</em>."</p><p>Minsoo flinches, eyes widening a bit. "Wh- and you were just gonna <em>die</em>?"</p><p>"That was the plan."</p><p>"Are you <em>insane</em>?"</p><p>Minsoo leans forwards, and Dongho blinks at him as the younger grips the collar of his hospital gown, fury burning in his eyes. "Do you <em>really</em> think that's what they'd want? Because I can tell you right now, the Lee Minsoo of 2020 <em>does not want you to die</em>."</p><p>Minsoo's hands are shaking, Dongho notes.</p><p>"Min-"</p><p>"You're just gonna leave me like that?" Minsoo continues, and <em>oh</em>, Dongho can see anger mixing with <em>fear</em> in his eyes, tears welling up in their dark depths and threatening to spill. "You- you're just gonna <em>leave me</em>? What about me? You're just- you're gonna leave me?"</p><p>Is there anything he can say to this?</p><p>"...soo... hyung?"</p><p>Oh.</p><p>They woke Daehyun.</p><p>Dongho watches, heart in his throat, as Daehyun pushes himself upright, raking a hand through his hair and giving Minsoo a sleepy little smile. "Ah... hey, hyung... hey, other hyung..."</p><p>"Have you eaten recently?" Dongho quizzes, and Daehyun blinks at him for a moment, eyes wide.</p><p>"You're awake!"</p><p>"Yeah," Dongho simply replies, and Minsoo snorts, muttering something under his breath. "<em>Yah</em>."</p><p>Daehyun reaches out to grasp his hand, and Dongho raises his head to stare at him, a hint of uncertainty in the motion.</p><p>"What's up?"</p><p>It's hard to read Daehyun like this, he thinks - the same features, but with none of the tells or experiences that made it <em>so easy </em>to read <em>his</em> Daehyun. It's just... a cardboard cut-out. </p><p>A caricature.</p><p>"...what happened?"</p><p>What he means: <em>what did I forget</em>?</p>
<hr/><p>God, Daehyun wishes he had a name for the emotions flickering over Dongho's face. </p><p>It's the strangest thing - the elder's expression is almost entirely neutral, but there are the <em>tiniest</em> hints that give away a change of emotion if he isn't trying to show it. A twist of the lips, a scrunching of the eyes, a wrinkling of the nose - they're all tells in their own right.</p><p>Daehyun chooses to tentatively identify one of the emotions as nervousness, and drops the others.</p><p>"It doesn't matter," Dongho vaguely replies, and Daehyun <em>knows</em> that's not true, knows it in the way he knows <strike>Dongho's home</strike> <em>their home</em> meant so much more than nothing - if not to Daehyun, then to the shattered man in front of him.</p><p>"...why won't you tell me?"</p><p>Dongho's expression flickers once more, and his nails dig into the fabric of the sheets for an instant before relaxing. "You don't want to know."</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>Minsoo's sitting on the other side of Dongho, Daehyun notes, and <em>oh</em>, his expression is blank, measured in a way he's only ever seen on Dongho.</p><p>(dongho isn't measuring himself right now, he notes, <em>what does that mean</em><em>-</em>)</p><p>"Trust me."</p><p>"That <em>doesn't mean anything</em>," Daehyun stresses, and he can <em>feel </em>what he's missing in the back of his mind - an aching, gaping, empty space - and it <em>meant something</em>. "Please."</p><p>"Dae," Minsoo warns - gentle, but firm - and Daehyun shakes his head, gaze pinned on the eldest.</p><p>"Does Minsoo-hyung know, hyung?"</p><p>Dongho's hesitation says enough.</p><p>"Why?" Daehyun breathes, voice cracking on the single syllable. "What- what are you hiding from me?"</p><p>Dongho exhales, letting his head droop forwards. His hair eclipses his eyes for an instant, and in that moment, he looks younger than he is - vulnerable in a way Daehyun hasn't ever seen him. </p><p>"...you don't need to know."</p><p>"That <em>isn't your choice to make</em>," Daehyun insists, and Dongho's nails dig into his sheet-covered thighs, pain flickering in his eyes. "Why won't you <em>tell me</em>?"</p><p>"Dae," Minsoo warns once more, and it's firmer, this time - the pretense of amicability dropped in favor of a more direct approach. </p><p>Daehyun doesn't care.</p><p>"Is it because you love me?"</p><p>The conversation skids to a halt in an instant. </p><p>Minsoo's staring at him, horror flickering in his eyes, and <em>oh</em>, Daehyun thinks, <em>he sees now</em>, because Dongho's looking at him like Daehyun ripped the rug out from under him and set it aflame. </p><p>"Dae," Minsoo smiles, and there's a <em>threat </em>to that smile, Daehyun knows, "how about we leave?"</p><p>Dongho isn't looking at him.</p><p>"I need to know," Daehyun all but pleads, because <em>he knows </em>they loved each other, <em>knows</em> there was something there, <em>knows knows knows </em>they turned a house into a home. "<em>Please</em>."</p><p>...why isn't Dongho looking at him?</p><p>"Please, hyung-"</p><p>"Dae," Minsoo murmurs, and Daehyun raises his head, gaze landing on the leader's face.</p><p>When did Minsoo move?</p><p>"Let's leave, hm?"</p><p>Daehyun doesn't fight it.</p><p>He just... lets Minsoo lead him away, a hand between his shoulder-blades and short admonishments slipping between his lips.</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>cute n wyld</strong>
</p><p>hey<br/>
im w dae<br/>
hows things going there?</p><p>Ah...<br/>
I wish you could tell me what's going on<br/>
Hyung won't talk to me<br/>
(Dongho-hyung, I mean)<br/>
I just...<br/>
What's going on?</p><p>uhhh<br/>
short answer doesn't make much sense</p><p>I'm here to listen!! ^W^</p><p>time travel</p><p>What?</p><p>tiem travel<br/>
the travel of ~time~<br/>
tim tam travel through land<br/>
wait<br/>
you get the gist</p><p>Time travel?<br/>
You're not making sense ^^;</p><p>uhh short answer is<br/>
dongdae are from the future<br/>
dae freaked out and lost his memory<br/>
dongho is now sad<br/>
dae is also sad<br/>
they have not figured out they're sad abt the same thing<br/>
smh my head</p><p>Wow<br/>
That<br/>
So they were together?<br/>
Will be?<br/>
In the future, I mean?</p><p>yep</p><p>Ah, I'm so glad<br/>
They make such a cute couple ^U^</p><p>cute</p><p>What?</p><p>you r<br/>
cute<br/>
cutie<br/>
kyu tea</p><p>
  <strong>change contact name to "kyu tea wyld"? <span class="u">yes</span> no</strong>
</p><p>Ah, hyung...</p><p>go out with me sometime?</p><p>wat</p>
<hr/><p>Somehow, Daehyun feels like he's just been grounded.</p><p>Not that Minsoo can even ground him - he's not even Minsoo's <em>kid</em>, that's <em>gross</em> - but he's sitting in Minsoo's living room on Minsoo's couch and holding a mug of Minsoo's cocoa, so he kinda feels like he's back at home. </p><p>Minsoo is like that sometimes.</p><p>"So," Minsoo states, taking a seat across from Daehyun, "what the <em>fuck</em>?"</p><p>"He won't tell me," Daehyun mutters, gaze drifting to his feet. "I want to <em>know</em>, hyung."</p><p>"Maybe he won't tell you for a reason," Minsoo sighs, and Daehyun scowls.</p><p>"It was <em>my life too</em>, hyung. I deserve to know what I'm forgetting."</p><p>Minsoo sighs once more, gaze drifting to the massive windows that illuminate the room. "...you don't want to know, Dae."</p><p>"You don't get to make that call," Daehyun mutters, gripping his mug so tightly it could shatter with even a little more pressure. "You <em>don't get to decide that</em>."</p><p>"No," Minsoo agrees, "but Dongho-hyung does."</p><p>"..."</p><p>Daehyun stares down at his hands, eyes stinging with unshed tears. </p><p>"...just... why can't you tell me?"</p><p>Across from him, Minsoo places his mug on the table, a gentle "tap" the only sound in the otherwise-silent room.</p><p>"...because he still loves you."</p><p>Daehyun's blood turns to ice in an instant.</p><p>"I can see it in his eyes," Minsoo murmurs, finger tracing the rim of his cup. "He still loves you, Dae, and that means he's holding on to dreams that're never going to come true."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"He loves you so much," Minsoo whispers, more to himself than to Daehyun, "so much that it scares me. So much that... so much that he'd do anything for one more moment."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"But he's my best friend, y'know?"</p><p>Minsoo raises his head, and <em>oh</em>, he's crying, tears shimmering in his eyes and a single droplet arcing down his cheek.</p><p>"He's... he's gonna follow you, Dae, and I can't... I can't lose you."</p><p>"Why can't you tell me?" Daehyun finally asks, and Minsoo shakes his head, a lock of hair falling to curl around his cheek.</p><p>"I know you, Dae, and there are some things you can't fake."</p><p>...what does that mean?</p><p>"Just let it go," Minsoo murmurs, passing Daehyun a phone - <em>his phone</em>. "Play a game or something. Listen to some music. Just... let it go."</p><p>...</p><p>Daehyun couldn't let it go if he tried.</p>
<hr/><p>His phone has pictures.</p><p>Pictures of him, pictures of Dongho, pictures of Boba and night skies and dinners and a blurry photo he assumes is the two of them together.</p><p>...pictures really do speak a thousand words, don't they?</p><p>He clicks out of the app, staring at his homescreen for a moment - a photo of Dongho asleep, his dark hair sprawled over the pillow and arms wrapped around a second one - before he taps into a random game on his homepage, a delighted laugh bubbling up at the sight of <em>MARSHMELL-O</em>'s rhythm game.</p><p>It came out last week! He almost forgot!</p><p>He flicks through his cards, taking in the different eras - Minyoung looks especially gorgeous in the cards from <em>Sweeter than Honey</em> era - before he taps into a song, able to lose himself in the monotony of circles and lines and <em>not </em>Dongho's face. </p><p>...it's strange, a distant part of him muses - the fact that he's equating Dongho to Helen of Troy. There's something to be said for the metaphor, he supposes, but Dongho isn't a prize to be won - though he's someone Daehyun would fight for. </p><p>...his emotions are too tangled to deal with at the moment.</p><p>He slides through a few notes, each tap bringing another photo to the forefront. <em>Tap</em>, and there's Dongho standing on a bridge, head tipped back and dark hair shot through with sunlight. <em>Tap</em>, and there's Dongho and Boba, the dark-haired man's hand buried in her fur and a soft smile on her lips.</p><p><em>Tap</em>, and there's their text history, memes and emotes shot back and forth with ease.</p><p><em>Tap</em>, and there are their contact names, Dongho saved as "loml &lt;3" in his phone.</p><p><em>Tap</em>, and there's the way Dongho looked at him - like Daehyun ripped his heart from his chest and stomped on it.</p><p><em>Tap</em>, and there's the gaping hole in Daehyun's chest - <em>something is missing</em>.</p><p>The song slows to a stop, and Daehyun turns, ready for someone to comment-</p><p>but nobody's there.</p><p>(the silence has never felt so deafening.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>comment pls pls pls it fuels me</p><p>also lmk abt typos i wrote this in 2 straight hours and brain is fried</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. regarding reunions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You're trying to plan your first date and you came to <em>me</em>?"</p><p>"Yes!" Minsoo wails, draping himself over Dongho's legs. "I need it to be <em>perfect</em>!"</p><p>"I will remind you <em>yet again</em>," Dongho replies, raising his head from his phone to glare at the silver-haired man, "that I <em>haven't actually been on a date</em>."</p><p>"You and Dae were basically dating," Minsoo dismisses, and Dongho's expression flickers for a moment before stabilizing on nonchalance.</p><p>Hm. Maybe this was a bad idea.</p><p>"Take him to the aquarium," Dongho states, turning his attention back to his phone. "The aquarium or a coffee shop. Both, if you have the money to spare."</p><p>"...what if I'm broke?"</p><p>"I'll pay for it," Dongho sighs, and Minsoo cheers, rolling over to wrap the dark-haired man in a hug.</p><p>"Yes! Yes, yes, yes- thank you, hyung!"</p><p>"At least I don't have to see you two pine anymore," Dongho sighs, and Minsoo grins.</p><p>"Yep~! Hey- Jaewon-ah's meeting me at two on Sunday, and you're getting out of the hospital on Saturday, right?"</p><p>"Mhm."</p><p>"We should go to the park!"</p><p>Dongho stares at him, visibly unimpressed, and Minsoo groans once more, flopping back over the bed.</p><p>"Hey! It's a great idea!"</p><p>"Are you going to talk about Jaewon-ah the entire time?" Dongho drawls, and Minsoo, tellingly, doesn't reply. "...I'll come. Just 'cause Dae would kick my ass if I didn't."</p><p>Minsoo winces at that, and Dongho sighs, passing the younger man an earbud.</p><p>"What's this?"</p><p>"One of my favorite musicals," Dongho replies, and Minsoo snorts.</p><p>"You like musicals? I thought you'd like, like, the opera or something."</p><p>Dongho's nose scrunches up at that, and he folds his arms over his chest, eyes flashing with a mild sort of indignation. "The opera is the place where people try to imitate dying birds and it's lauded as the greatest art form and something high-class when it's just <em>screaming</em>. If not screaming, then tuned warbling, at best."</p><p>"...no opera, then."</p><p>"Nope," Dongho simply replies, and Minsoo nearly misses the faint smile that tugs at the corners of his friend's mouth.</p>
<hr/><p>"...Daehyun-ah?"</p><p>Daehyun stares out the window, watching as a leaf detaches from the tree and begins its slow arc to the ground. It's Sunday - and Jaewon and Minsoo apparently have a date today, based on Jaewon's text - and here he is, sitting in his room and looking out the window.</p><p>Well.</p><p>At least there's music.</p><p>"Are you feeling any better?" his mother murmurs, and Daehyun nods, giving her a quick thumbs-up before letting his head rest against the cool glass once more. He only vaguely recognizes the song playing - it's something American with a nice guitar line - and his eyes drift shut as the playlist cycles through a few more songs.</p><p>He has <em>no clue </em>what a playlist labeled "boba tea" could be for, but it makes him feel warm and comfortable, so it doesn't really matter. </p><p>The song ticks over, and Daehyun jolts awake as a bass drum fills his ears, an emotion he can't quite name washing over him.</p><p>What is this?</p><p>His head pounds, and he pulls his knees to his chest, mashing his forehead into his legs. <em>God</em>, it hurts - like something's slamming against a dam over and over again - and he presses his hands to his forehead as the song continues.</p><p>
  <em>"You're thinking."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A finger pressed to the space between his eyes-</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Stop thinking."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Incredible advice, hyung. Thank you so much. My entire worldview has shifted now that I'm just not thinking."</em>
</p><p>The music crescendos, and Daehyun screws his eyes shut, trying to ignore the way his headache continues to amplify.</p><p>
  <em>"Kim Daehyun-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Park Jaehyun."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Park Jaehyun, will you do me the ultimate honor of coming to Burger King with me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why, Min Youngho, I'd be honored."</em>
</p><p>Why hasn't he just taken his earbuds out?</p><p>Why hasn't he just - just paused the music, or thrown his phone across the room, or just <em>stopped it</em>?</p><p>
  <em>"You're crying."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What's wrong?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I just... I miss Minsoo-hyung a lot."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know."</em>
</p><p>Why hasn't he just-</p><p>why hasn't he done <em>anything</em>?</p><p>
  <em>"That jacket was beautiful."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It had character."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The fuck it did."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You loved that jacket!"</em>
</p><p>The song builds, builds, builds, and Daehyun screws his eyes shut against the tears that threaten to fall, his nails digging into his head and hair stinging where he's tugging at it.</p><p>What's happening?</p><p>
  <em>"You said- you said you loved me. And I know you were probably just saying that, but I felt like I should probably tell you this before it ruins our friendship, but- I love you. And I know you probably don't feel the same way, and that's fine, I just felt like you should know-"</em>
</p><p>In an instant, the world falls into place.</p><p>Daehyun rips the earbuds out of his ears and sprints for the door, tears spilling down his cheeks and heart aching with a combination of grief and hope.</p><p><em>Dongho</em>.</p><p>He has to find Dongho.</p>
<hr/><p>"You're such a sap."</p><p>Minsoo wails, tipping his head back to stare into the trees. "What? I'm excited! We're- we're gonna go to a coffee shop! And then we're gonna kiss maybe!"</p><p>"A sap," Dongho repeats, gaze dropping to his phone. </p><p>"Like you never gushed to other-me about Dae!"</p><p>"I didn't."</p><p>"Wha- <em>how</em>? You're-"</p><p>"Minsoo," Dongho sighs, and Minsoo falls silent at the <em>genuine weariness</em> in his voice. "Drop it. Please."</p><p>"...'kay."</p><p>They sit in silence for a few moments before Minsoo startles at the sight of a flock of geese fluttering away from a distant fountain. "Whoa. I've never seen them do that before."</p><p>"Do what?" Dongho deadpans. "Fly?"</p><p>"Well, yeah-"</p><p>"<em>Dongho</em>!"</p><p>Dongho jolts to his feet, eyes widening at the sight of a distant figure sprinting ever-closer. And <em>oh</em>-</p><p>"<em>Dae</em>."</p><p>He races forwards, sneakers pounding against pavement, and they meet in the middle, Daehyun crashing into Dongho's chest and Dongho stumbling back in an attempt to keep them upright. And <em>oh</em>, Daehyun's here, his hands coming up to cup Dongho's cheeks with a kind of desperation he's never really seen, and he's smiling so wide, tears spilling down his cheeks as he stares at the elder, and <em>oh</em>-</p><p>Daehyun kisses him, and the world skids to a stop for a moment.</p><p>It restarts as Dongho kisses back, pulling Daehyun even closer as one hand threads through his golden hair. Daehyun's crying, salty tears spilling down his cheeks, and Dongho probably is too, but the entire world has narrowed to him and Daehyun for the moment, and he almost doesn't want it to return.</p><p>Finally, finally, Daehyun pulls back, and he's cupping Dongho's face like he's holding the world in his hands, and he just-</p><p>"Dae," Dongho breathes, and Daehyun's lips curl into the brightest smile he's ever seen. "Oh, <em>Dae</em>-"</p><p>"Hi," Daehyun dumbly replies, one thumb brushing over Dongho's cheekbone. "Sorry I took so long."</p><p>Dongho responds by kissing him again, and <em>this is perfect</em>, Daehyun decides, losing himself in the feeling of Dongho being <em>here </em>and <em>warm </em>and <em>okay</em>. For just a moment - this moment - they're okay, and that-</p><p>that's all he can ask for.</p><p>Dongho's here, and Dongho knows what he's saying without speaking, and Dongho's alive and Jaewon's alive and Daehyun's finally here and <em>they're okay</em>.</p><p>"I love you," Daehyun whispers, and just like the last time he said it, Dongho kisses him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>minsoo, watching this all from the bench: so am i uhhhhhhhhhh third wheeling or</p><p>btw the song daehyun's listening to at the start is classic by mkto</p><p>and yes he does have a playlist for all his friends that's just a totally dae thing ok dont @ me</p><p>this chapter's song is we fell in love in october/ex-wives as i listened to both</p><p>sorry it's so short and unbeta'd haha i just wanted to devote a chapter Specifically to this scene</p><p>please leave a comment uwu</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. regarding messages and epilogues</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<em>What</em>?"</p><p>"You heard me," their manager sighs, folding his arms over his chest. "Hyungs and maknaes in separate rooms."</p><p>"Wh-" Minsoo sputters, eyes wide with betrayal. "But- but- it's <em>Paris</em>!"</p><p>Behind him, Dongho and Daehyun lean against the wall, the former showing the latter something on his phone. Daehyun's wearing the denim jacket - new patches coating the fabric - and Dongho's wearing one of his hoodies, hair pushed back in a tiny ponytail and an earbud hanging out of one ear. And in front of <em>them</em>-</p><p>Jaewon.</p><p>God, Minsoo's so fucking lucky to have this actual angel as his boyfriend.</p><p>"You know we'll just swap," Minsoo grins, and their manager stares at them, visibly unimpressed. </p><p>"No, you won't."</p><p>"We will!"</p><p>"<em>No</em>, you <em>won't</em>."</p><p>"C'mon," Dongho cuts in, reaching up to wrap an arm around Daehyun's waist. "It's Paris."</p><p>Daehyun nods, lips curling into a bright smile as he turns to stare at Dongho. And <em>god</em>, are they in love - the way Daehyun's looking at his boyfriend makes even <em>Minsoo </em>feel single.</p><p>Not one to be outdone, the leader pulls Jaewon into his side and presses a kiss to his temple, and the redhead flushes up to the tips of his ears, a small squeak escaping his lips as he burrows into Minsoo's side. </p><p>God, Minsoo loves him.</p><p>"Fine," the manager relents, gaze flitting between the two couples. "Just keep it PG."</p><p>"Hyung," Minsoo gasps, lacing his voice with faux-offense. "Who do you take us for?"</p><p>"Yourselves," their manager deadpans, holding out four key cards. "Do what you want. Officially, I never let you do anything."</p><p>"Can do!" Minsoo beams, and their manager sighs, gaze drifting to the wall.</p><p>"Just take the keys."</p>
<hr/><p>"So."</p><p>Dongho turns, jacket in his hand, and his lips curl into a soft smile at the sight of Daehyun sitting on the bed, his jacket spread across his lap and phone in his hands.</p><p>"So?"</p><p>"We're back in Paris," Daehyun beams, and Dongho nods, crossing the room to take a seat next to him.</p><p>"We are."</p><p>There's a moment where neither one moves, both content to bask in each other's presence.</p><p>Finally, Daehyun laughs, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to Dongho's cheek before flopping into his lap. "This is so <em>weird</em>!"</p><p>Dongho hums agreement, and Daehyun rolls over, gaze drifting to the lit-up city. It's <em>brilliant </em>at this time of night, shining and gleaming in the best way, and he laughs once more, grabbing his jacket and pulling it up to cover his chest.</p><p>"...it's nice," Dongho finally states, and Daehyun sighs as a hand falls onto his head, long fingers slowly untangling his damaged hair and nails scratching against his scalp. "Being back here, I mean."</p><p>"...do you remember last time?"</p><p>"Yeah," Daehyun murmurs, gaze pinned on the distant skyline. "...I wish hyung was here."</p><p>"I know," Dongho whispers, and Daehyun can hear the pain etched into those two syllables - five letters managing to contain an entire lifetime of grief.</p><p>They fall silent for a moment, the whirring of the air conditioner filling the air, and it feels <em>empty</em>.</p><p>...they're never going to stop missing him, Daehyun thinks. </p><p>They're just going to learn to deal with it.</p><p>He pushes himself upright and slides over to brush arms with Dongho, his legs dangling over the edge of the bed and gaze still pinned on the horizon. It's <em>quiet</em> without Minsoo - he was always the loudest - but there are some things Daehyun and Dongho have never needed words to say.</p><p>Dongho reaches over, grabs his hand - <em>oh</em>, his palm is warm - and interlaces their fingers, squeezing three times before his head droops to rest on Daehyun's shoulder. </p><p>
  <em>One-two-three.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I love you."</em>
</p><p>"I love you too," Daehyun murmurs, gaze drifting towards a distant blinking plane. "Always."</p>
<hr/><p>"...hello?"</p><p>Minsoo spins around, taking in the endless sea of gray, and his lips purse into a frown as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Hm. Weird."</p><p>The last thing he can remember is falling asleep in Jaewon's arms, his boyfriend's lips pressed against his forehead, and now he's <em>here</em>.</p><p>Where even <em>is </em>here?</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>He spins, stopping abruptly at the sight of silver hair, and <em>oh</em>.</p><p>A copy of himself stands before him. </p><p>No - the more Minsoo looks, the more he can see this isn't an exact copy. Dried blood coats his hair, deep slashes paint his white sweatshirt a deep brown, and, most damningly, a deep gash sits in place of his left eye, dried blood coating his cheek and neck.</p><p>"Ah- am I scaring you?"</p><p>The copy flickers, and <em>then </em>it looks more like Minsoo - silver hair, oversized sweatshirt, baggy sweatpants - and Minsoo realizes who this is in an instant.</p><p>"You're the me from the future. The one that died."</p><p>His future self laughs, wry and sad, and he nods, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Yep. 's nice to meet you, by the way."</p><p>"Nice to meet you too?"</p><p>His future self shrugs, reaching up to toy with his hood. "Anyways. I called you here 'cause it's one of the few places I <em>can</em>, and I don't have much time, so let's make this quick. I wanna give you a message to pass onto my friends."</p><p>"What is it?"</p><p>His future self blinks, and Minsoo grins, bright and encouraging. "C'mon! Let me know! What is it? Is it the secret location of buried treasure? Is it the name of your murderer? Wait, they already know that-"</p><p>"Can you tell them I love them?"</p><p>Oh.</p><p><em>Oh</em>.</p><p>His future self smiles - aching and twisted and <em>so, so sad</em> - and he stuffs his hands back in his pockets, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "Can you tell them- can you tell them I love them, and that I'm so, so proud of them?"</p><p>There's nothing Minsoo can say.</p><p>God, it's <em>painful </em>seeing the person he replaced. This- this Minsoo is <em>good</em>, he knows - good and strong and brave and <em>incredible</em> - and Minsoo's a pale mockery by comparison.</p><p>"Hey, hey..."</p><p>Someone thumbs away his tears, and he blinks, gaze focusing on his future self's face. </p><p><em>Oh</em>.</p><p>"How are you so good?" he rasps, and his future self smiles, weak and bittersweet.</p><p>"...lots of practice. Lots of practice, necessity, and love."</p><p>"..."</p><p>"You'll get there someday," his future self promises, thumbing tears off Minsoo's cheeks. "I know you will. 'cause everything you're saying about me, you're saying about yourself."</p><p>"Man, you're inspiring," Minsoo sniffs, reaching up to scrub his eyes. "You should be a motivational speaker."</p><p>"Being a leader is basically that," his future self grouses, reaching up to ruffle Minsoo's hair. "Have you figured that out yet?"</p><p>"Not really."</p><p>His future self grins a bit, and Minsoo blinks, gaze flitting to their surroundings.</p><p>Was it always this bright?</p><p>"I'm running out of time," his future self mourns, reaching up to cup Minsoo's face. "You're going to do great, Minsoo-yah. I promise."</p><p>"I'll give them your message," Minsoo vows, grasping his future self's hands and squeezing as tightly as he can. "<em>I promise</em>."</p><p>His future self gives him a wistful smile, and Minsoo grips his hands until the world fades to white.</p>
<hr/><p>Dongho's abruptly jolted from sleep by the someone knocking on the door.</p><p>He curses, flopping to the floor as he struggles out of Daehyun's arms, and <em>fucking ow</em>. </p><p>What a way to wake up.</p><p>"Hyung!" someone shouts, and <em>motherfucker</em>.</p><p>Dongho checks the clock - <em>3:29am </em>- and groans, throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling.</p><p>Does he have to answer?</p><p>"Hyung!" the person shouts again, and Dongho groans once more, struggling to his feet and tripping towards the door. He manages to yank it open, revealing a scowling Minsoo, and he blinks once-twice-thrice, trying to bring his best friend into focus.</p><p>"Minsoo, what the <em>fuck</em>... 's three in the mornin'..."</p><p>"I have a message for you," Minsoo states, pushing Dongho into the room and yanking the door shut behind him. "It's from my future self."</p><p>Dongho stares.</p><p>Blinks.</p><p>Stares again.</p><p>"<em>What</em>?"</p><p>"Listen to me," Minsoo states, looking entirely too serious for 3:29 in the morning. "He said he can only come and see me 'cause we're in Paris, and he gave me a message for you."</p><p>"...one sec'."</p><p>Dongho leans over to shake Daehyun awake, and his boyfriend groans, rolling over to mash his face into the pillow.</p><p>"Dongie... 's <em>early</em>..."</p><p>"Minsoo has a message for us," Dongho replies, and Daehyun jolts upright, eyes flying open.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>Minsoo takes a seat at the end of the bed, and <em>foolishly, foolishly</em>, Dongho can imagine things are like they were - the three of them curled up on Dongho's bed in the aftermath and trying to pretend things were okay - but it's not that.</p><p>"...I saw him," Minsoo murmurs, gaze falling to his pajama pants. "He told me to tell... he told me to tell you that he loved you, and that he's so proud of you."</p><p><em>God</em>, of course it's that short. Of <em>course</em> Minsoo would keep it that quick, would pack so much meaning into just a few words, would let everything else hang in the ether-</p><p>Daehyun chokes on a sob, and Dongho reaches over to gather his boyfriend in a hug, pressing his nose into the younger man's hair and rubbing gentle circles into his back. God, it's not enough - he's not Minsoo, <em>neither of them are Minsoo</em> - but it'll do for now.</p><p>Two can never equal three.</p><p>"I m-miss him," Daehyun gasps, reaching up to cling to the back of Dongho's tanktop. "I m-miss him- <em>Minsoo</em>-"</p><p>Distantly, Dongho registers the thud of the door closing.</p><p>Minsoo left, then.</p><p>"I know," he breathes, hot tears finally, finally spilling down his cheeks. "I know, Dae."</p><p>They're alright. Jaewon's alright. Minsoo's alright.</p><p>But two can never equal three.</p>
<hr/><p>Their concert is the next day.</p><p>Their concert is the next day, and every second is exhilarating, the bright stage lights the same as ever and the rhythmic pounding of the bass enough to drive away any bad memories.</p><p>And still, Dongho thinks. </p><p>His brain never shuts up - it's both his greatest strength and biggest weakness - and so even as they're wrapping up the concert, Dongho thinks.</p><p>He thinks about the last time they were on this stage - as three instead of four - and thinks about the way Minsoo gripped his hand back then, his own sweaty and clammy but his smile <em>so, so bright</em>. He thinks about Daehyun - then and now - the same in each case, and thinks about Jaewon, crouched at the edge of the stage and smiling at MAYNIACs.</p><p>He thinks about the past. Thinks about Sohee, thinks about her sister, thinks about aquariums and old guitars and thin, broken strings. </p><p>He thinks about the future. Thinks about towers and karaoke nights and fights over drinks, thinks about gentle kisses and tight hugs and millions of words left unsaid.</p><p>He thinks about <em>now</em>.</p><p>Now, bereft of the worst of the past with the best of the future. Now, with everything but his Minsoo.</p><p>...<em>his </em>Minsoo.</p><p>Minsoo was never <em>his</em>, was he? Never anything close enough to be <em>his </em>in any way that mattered.</p><p>...but they have a second chance now, don't they?</p><p>Him and Daehyun - <em>himandDaehyun</em>. One word, contiguous, no space between them and no hesitation.</p><p>Minsoo gave himself up so he and Daehyun could have their future, and what kind of friend would Dongho be if he didn't honor that?</p><p>His heart pounds in his ears, the present washing past him like a wave, and he can hear Jaewon's verse winding down, can see lightsticks waving and stage lights shining-</p><p>and just as he always has, he picks up his mic to sing.</p><p>
  <em>I miss you, I miss you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I always will miss you<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But this chapter is over and tomorrow brings another</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So please forgive me for missing you</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>(in another place, a silver-haired boy watches his friends with a smile on his face, and just as it always has, their song reaches him.</p><p>the song itself has never changed, after all.</p><p>all that's changed is who they're singing for.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>did i ser iously hint at ot3</p><p>did i sERIOUSLY-</p><p>goddammit</p><p>the song for this chapter is eve's LEO, by the way</p><p>anyways tHAT'S A WRAP!!! thank you SO MUCH for reading, and i hope you have an incredible day!! stay safe &lt;3</p><p>  <s>also pspsps comment pls</s></p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/i_was_human_">twit</a> | <a href="https://discord.gg/CNunB74">lit fic discord!</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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